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Denver Discordance November 27, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Well, whew!  Back from Denver, and I have a lot of feelings about it.  The most salient aspect however is that I have truly and thoroughly “enalienized” myself to the place.

“Enalienized” here means that my resonance has altered such that Denver no longer feels “home” to me.  Appropriately enough it’s the trees that sort of tipped me off to this.  In my journey to Denver, there was the obligatory trip to the old homestead in what is now Centennial, but what was once unincorporated Littleton when I was upgrowing dabei.

The fun thing was that on the day I went, I met my new friends Jade and Shen Tat at the delicious Mercury Cafe.  On the waay there, I realized that I had dreamt about the route thereto.  I took Broadway north from Evans, and it turns into Lincoln near Exposition, and from Lincoln I turned onto 18th which twisty-turnied all around.  (The dream really started with the turn off Lincoln.)  En route to the Merc, I had a call to drive south after my brunch with them, which was delic ious in terms of both company and food and lasted almost 3 hours!

Driving south, I went first to Spiritwise, and bought a few objects including a functional sculpture of a jawbone with a bat on it for dispelling that which no longer serves me, a bat ring and a wolf sculpture.

I drove further South still, for I felt I needed to go a certain route to the old homestead.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I was on a rigte of initiation of some sort, for I made a “wrong” turn onto Eudora Street off Dry Creek and found myself at my next destination, the place I meant to go all along.

Medema Park.

This little parklet was the closest one to my Littleon abode from 1976 to 1982.  And there was a tree here that was calling to me.  Emburon, by name.  A pine tree of course, who was to give me a bit of instruction.  I made a 2nd pilgrimage later to Emburon, bearing an offering of chocolate.  (E would have preferred Ghirardelli, but had to setle for Lindt, alas.)  I’m now charged with discovering “tree speed.”  Which is simultaneously slow and fast, needless to say.  Slow in the “reality” of meatspace, but circulation wise, lightning quick.

Anyway, after my first encounter with Emburon, I realized I had contracted food poisoning somewhere.  Funny, but now that I’m writing this, I wonder if there wasn’t another awareness that had inserted itself into me through my interaction with the tree that put me in touch with the discordance underlying.  Anyway, I spent that night doubled over in stomach pain.  And my days thereafter were a bit dissonant.

Upon arrival dissonance was thematic however.  I took the wrong turn off of Tower Road and ended up on 104th Ave., nearer the older Northglenn homestead (near 120th and N. Washington, actually).  I took another twisty-turny journey (ah, a theme!), that took me to the general area where my Daddles used to work when I upgrew, and from where he was cast out in the first wave of ditching longtime employees nearing full pension.  Ah, Ronald Reagan farts farts farts!

From that Sunday-Monday onwards, my trip took on a much more bittersweet hue.  It always was going to be thus, seeing as the last time I was in Denver, I was part of a couple, and now I am the single guy again.  I’m now also a published author, and I sold 4 of my Doom Sonnets for After the vEmpire. So again, the bittersweet and the twisty-turny.  A rather blackthorn experience this trip, I guess.  And a loneliness started to insinuate itself into the Work of this God.  And the trees were there to gently support this awareness.

On Thanksgiving Day, I was with my sister and her family, and there was a moment in the afternoon, when I was by myself in the kitchen washing some pot or other, and that loneliness made his embarke’d experience known.  I have to say it was a total surprise, and a familiar feeling I’ve not experienced in a LONG time.  And that was when the awareness started to settle in as well, that Denver was not home.

And another awareness.  That I am going to have to have a lot of courage going forward with the new aspect of my Work as Professional Playwright-Producer.  I have a title for my new company–“Cultural Janitorial Detail.”  To accord with the Morell aspect of my being.  To put all of it together, actually.  Also fun–CJD also stands for Creuzfeld-Jakob Disease.  CJD is the medical acronym that denotes “Mad Cow Disease.”  CJD to transform the cultural CJD that afflicts us all.

Even though my sensibility is decidedly “Denver,” and those who live there know exactly of what I speak, it doesn’t agree with me.  As I sit here writing this blog entry, and feeling it’s woefully incomplete, I feel a vague sense of nausea as if the food poisoning of 6 days ago is always going to be associated with Denver going forward.  Lovely.  I’m back in the Hudson-Mohawk region, and I have some plans for the day now.  Today is the first day I’ve been able to incorporate Emburon’s task in my practice, which has pointed to certain activities.  (This was not among them, alas.  But still, it was something I felt compelled to do.)

I look forward to how my own Big Eden will manifest in this delicious and “deicious” (thank you o goddess of typos!) place.  Unfold ye sacred heaven on earth, rightcheer in Adirondack land.


Odd vision I had – When Dolphins Attack! November 11, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in humor, Mystical.
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I laid down to rest, to deal with the cough I have had for a few weeks now, and I had the most interesting and unlikely vision:

10,000 dolphins on an amphibious attack in the Mediterranean.  It reminded me of the trailer for Troy with Brad Pitt & Eric Bana.  Dolphins, though, instead of those sleek Greek vessels that were on the rampage. 

What do peaceful marine animals go on the rampage against?  And to what goal were they headed?  Were they angrily determined to beach themselves?  That would indeed be a difficult declaration of war.  What, pray tell, is the Prince of Cups going to war against?

Struggle with Rest Part II October 30, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Well, I do hope this does not become a series, but I do need to address it, dammit.  There seems to be a desire inside me to stay sick for a while, and I can say for sure it arises from my desire to do do do.  It is difficult sometimes to stop stop stop.  I watch my cats, and think of Eckhart Tolle’s observations at how felines are all zen masters by default.  Samson & Cerridwen seem to know how to just relax, to just be.  And I do have my moments, but they are accidental. 

Though I suppose purposeful rest seems a bit of an oxymoron, I guess that’s what I think I desire right this minute.  I have good days and bad days, but I also have an informal assignment to sit by my willow tree teacher every day for 2 weeks, and that makes things a tad difficult seeing as how the tree is across the river in an area of town that would require paid parking were I to actually park close enough to just walk over the bridge.  I park a bit further away–though I notice that with each passing day during the week, the places got closer and closer.  On the weekend it doesn’t matter, and I parked just around the corner from the walkway. Still, I park then I walk, then I cut across the bridge and walk “through my kingdom” (smiley face with beaming grin!) and attend to her thoughts and teachings and observations.

Even in the context of this attempted rest, I ams eeing that intentions are arising for my near future, and I have a couple of plans of action.  I have begun to take an herbalism class, for example.  I trust that I shall be blogging about my relationships with various plant allies in the course of things.  I seem to have a general direction for 5 years out, with this vision of living in a forest community to the north of here.  North of Glens Falls even.  I see myself as an active and integral part of this settlement, engaged in what I don’t yet know.  I seem to have some leadership/elder roles though.  A go-to guy in this place.  I see that my writing projects continue and this next year start to bear fruit.  Reading about Neptune entering Pisces, I further understand that this could be “my year!” as it were.  Cross your fingers and toes folks.  It would be nice for the 25 years to make an overnight success would befall me in the year before the Mayan Calendar comes to a comma.  Or whatever it is supposed to be.

More to be revealed btw, with the Great Psychic Comb-Out on Cerridwen’s Mountain.  I have mroe where that came from!

Changing Relationships with the Cities October 27, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Civilization Anonymous, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Since I moved now to Rensselaer, I’ve become aware that my relationships with both Albany and Troy have shifted quite a bit. Because I worked downtown and have since ankled the soul-suck job, I have an understandable hesitancy about heading down that way again.  I have an assignment from my favorite Willow Goddess to visit every day for an hour a day for 2 weeks, to begin when I was ready.  I started that yesterday, and on the way to the park, I found I wanted to avoid being seen by anyone from any of my old jobs.  It’s funny, but I was on Pearl Street for a couple of minutes last week, and I walked past someone I used to work with, and it was like she didn’t recognize me.  I was sort of glad about that, and hopeful even.

The City of Albany is a bigger place than just that State-Pearl-Broadway corridor.  That is the epicenter of the place, but I find it’s occluded by all the bidness tealings that are going on down there.  All of that excess negative energy gets in the way of hearing the City’s vibrant soul.  It’s been just all that I can do to check in with Aurora Petra Majesta, and every once in awhile, Cappy at the top of the hill to say “Hey deah!”  I found myself looking at the city wistfully as I drove in on Route 32 and realizing that I no longer was in the same place.

Likewise with Troy, and I feel an odd sense that I was really never meant to put down roots there.  That while I was meant to live there for a time, that I wasn’t meant to stay there and that I can see this in retrospect is interesting to me because I really didn’t understand that in the time in lived in Little Italy.  I acted as if I was supposed to be there, but in the intervening time since the Breakup, it’s become more and more apparent that Troy served its catalyzing purpose of parting what wasn’t resonant to begin with.

The metallic nature of Troy worked to slice the relationship in twain, and to leave the two of us as single again.  That’s just the way of it.  Now I’ve left the place and while I sort of miss it, I do love this new place I’ve moved to.  In fact, though I sense I’m heading ultimately into a forest community of some sort, I wonder if there’s a way I’ll be able to hold onto this location.  It’s a piece of the puzzle to ponder.

I think that as life continues on, my relationship with Albany will deepen in profound ways.  I have this vision of myself way in the future as an Elder Shaman, walking down Broadway amidst the ruins of the former capital of the Empire State.  I sense that the notion of the U.S.A. is a quaint memory of times gone by, held in reverence mixed with spite.  That the place now is in a different relationship with its denizens, and I’m taking a nostalgic stroll along the pathway I walked each day for a time to attend to one of my soul-sucks.  I keep walking up B’way and turn up Livingston and head as if up to Albany Memorial because I’m visiting a family that needs my Elder/shaman aid.  I wear a cape, no shirt, a sarong, sandals.  It’s a bright and cold December day, no snow on the ground and none expected.  I seem to be all right with the bluster and reveling in the sun.  It’s an image I’ve long had, and I don’t know where it fits in, how it fits in with the future I’m imagining for myself.  But I know there’s an essential truth in it, and that Albany is in my blood.

Honoring the Ancestral Identity of My Corpseorate “Self” October 6, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Civilization Anonymous, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical.
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Today marks my rite of passage out of this mode of vEmpire participation.  I have been in a place of nascent awakening in this cocoon of denial that osmoses around us.  This miasma of etherICK.  In honor thereof, I decided to select my Santa tie (ho-ho-ho) to embrace this gift I’m giving myself.  I wanted actually to bring a sarong to work and wear it in the afternoon, but as I recently moved and things in my house are topsy-turvy (I can’t even locate my checkbook as of yet–St. Anthony find it for me stat!), this was not to be.  Nice idea though, still the Santa tie does the trick.

The dead identity has been hanging around me, and today he falls away.  The last little bit of chrysalis will find itself kicked into spirit compost and I will start a new pathway, starting this evening.  As would be fitting, I have the first fall meeting of my playwrights’ group tonight.  In between, I shall enjoy a dinner out as a further honor of this moment of choice.

True to form with job changes, my time at woyklez has been quite busy.  It has been a continued marvel to me how the environment of turbulence further confirms my choice each day.  I see very clearly that only a handful of people are meant to work the way that people around me this day go about their business, and the rest of us try to keep up with it, but start to feel less and less worthy as the mistakes pile up and the rework needs to be done, and then there’s more and more and more of this cockamamie.


So.  I’ve created this space, this landing pad for myself for a little bit, and now I will start to share more of my impressions and true Trance-Formations that emerge from being close to the Hudson River and the landbase in and around Rensselaer.  Perhaps I should change the title of my blog to Hudson Trance-Formations–I don’t know.  Sounds too much like a lot of other Hudson websites, and it’s confusing too because there is a city to the southeast of us called Hudson. 

So far, my impression of the spirit of Rensselaer is that he is quite a handsome fellow, but one who is comfortable in the shadows.  He has no need to step out into the limelight, but I think he does feel a need to be honored and recognized for his observation skills.  This is but a first impression, but that’s what I think for the time being.

Something about Power September 29, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Read on doomers.us:

“Power whispers, it has no need to shout.”

When I’ve been in my powerful moments, it comes from a place of just knowing.  Acceptance, allowance, vulnerability–these are power words.  Power itself is something that we in our fear-based/force-fed culture cannot really grasp.  We know it sometimes when we feel it, but more often than not there’s a result we wish to achieve, there are people who need to be enlisted to make that happen, and they want to know what’s in it for them.  In my power, I can bring things together.  There have been quite a few times of late when I’ve not been in my power, when I’ve been in a place of brittleness and rigidity.  I needed to be cracked open, and the husk left to slough off.  That’s since happened, and I’m in touch with a new ferocity.

I don’t need to shout about it.  In fact, the quieter I am the better.  I can get things done unobtrusive, projecting mashed potatoes rather than calling attention to myself and being the thick juicy steak or the delicious butternut squash-apple concoction for dessert.

Hudson River Observation 9-24-10 September 24, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical.
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Today, I sat by the Hudson, my Mahikanitauk lovey, and communed with her.  I noticed that she was flowing north fairly quickly.  Faster than I’ve noticed her moving before.  She said “Oh, it’s just something I do every once in awhile.”

I flow pretty fast sometimes myself.

It’s just something I do every once in awhile.  There’s a lot of flow in my life right now.  A lot of obstacles are being blown away by my spirit.  I won’t say that I and others haven’t been hurt in this process.  But things will settle down.  The baseline will be reached.  This transparent butterfly will see his wings harden, but his belly and his heart remain teddy bear/lion cub soft.  (rargh. mew.) 

I laid on the ground and felt the power in the earth.  I felt the power of Ra glowing on my face.  I felt the power of the wind, blowing at my hair.  And the awesome power of the estuary separating Albany from Rensselaer Counties.  Both parts of my home as I have come to understand it.

My willow tree gave me an assignment.  I need to sit under her branches for an hour a day for 2 weeks.  I take it with my journal, to be some sort of sutdent of willow lore, I guess.  I shall most likely blog about it here.  Things are going to get a little mroe intense and quieter at the same time.  I open the the falling into myself.  Into Ecstasy.

Moved house September 23, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Part of my big news that I alluded to earlier is probably to be inferred from this message, but I recently moved house.  The Troy apartment I lived in (and I do miss it a bit) is in a building with a noncommittal house spirit.  S/he is called “Gunder”, and s/he can shapeshift as a man herself, or a woman himself.  Sometimes Gunder would appear to me as a starry female, and other times as a James Lipton-esque sort of fellow.  (Odd, but there you have it.)  When I asked Gunder as to what my plans should be, the attitude was “Meh. Feh.”  Not exactly welcoming.

So about a month ago I was in Thacher Park dealing with some fallout feelings over the tectonic shifting in my life-plan, and Hekate, Cerridwen, Vesta and Persephone showed up to counsel me.  Vesta in particular took charge of my finding the house, telling me in fact that it had all been laid out for me.  I would be paying $X amount, I would be able to garden and keep my kitties, and I would be in Rensselaer near the water.  I inferred the last part, and I sort of saw a blueprint of something that seemed familiar to me. 

A little over 2 weeks ago, I surfed Craigslist and found this ad.  I decided only to look around in Rensselaer for now.  I don’t have much of a sense of the city itself as yet.  But there are some charms to it that are quite unassuming and quietly beautiful.   I came across the ad and I called the number, and I was surprised to hear the answering voice say “Hilton Center for the Arts.”  It turns out the organization also has a property management arm, and I just … well, sputter sputter, “I think I would like to come and see it.”

And it’s just exactly as Vesta said it would be.  It’s not perfect–there’s like no closet space.  I have organized the space so that my dressing area and office are in one place and my bedroom and altar in another.  My living room is jam-packed with all the stuff that I have accumulated in my almost 30 years since having left my childhood home.  But the thing is, my new home, which was once an icehouse on the Hudson (!), has a spirit as well.

I’ve decided to spell her name Teryka’.  The apostrophe on the end would be an accent–if I knew how to apply one in WordPress that is.  Pronounced (Tare-ee-KAH, not Tuh-REE-kuh)  Like terra cotta without the last syllable.  She’s a mannish woman who’s kind of flummoxed and tickled by me.  That’s all to the good.  There”s a humble and homespun element to her, and I will definitely groove to that.

I shall be spending time in Teryka’, but also I shall be spending lots more time in nature.  Circumstances shift and change week to week.  I will have more in a bit.  But there are others involved, alas.  That’s how life’s messiness can be sometimes…

Radical Self-acceptance September 16, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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The past few months have been about shearing away that which no longer serves me.  The unfolding journey of this God demands that the impediments be cast aside, and they have been falling away in rot, or they have realized that their energies and mine don’t agree and blasted themselves away, and I’m getting ready to blast one away that is socially acceptable, but obstructs my wholeness, my authenticity. 

The fundament of Frostwolf is that I am a nature guy through and through.  I woke up to this seven years ago as the sugar and flour left my body.  In fact, it was at about this time of year, as fall started to settle in, that I realized this aspect of myself.  One particular day I went up to the Cloisters in upper Manhattan.  Somewhere after the equinox, I started to notice a deeper beauty in the surroundings, and then I realized the slow-but-fast nature of the changes occurring in the wheel year.  It got so that I could discern the quality difference of autumn before Samhain and after.  Then also, the shift into Yule, even though it’s covered and threaded with all the commercialism of the C holiday.  It wasn’t really until the Groundhog Day of 2004 though, that some things about this started to become more apparent, and the feeling of the earth’s energy below my feet was starting to get my attention.  It was around this time that I was told I was a witch, whether I knew it or not, and before too long, I had started off on a path toward embracing that aspect of myself. 

I had been in small ways all along, with my commitment to my playwriting.  I see in retrospect that much of what goes on with my playwriting reflects a connection to my soul, and many times in the past, that has been able to supersede the addictions in my life.  I have often wondered whether writing itself was an addiction, and I’m sure it can be.  But if so, it’s one like food for me.  I can’t survive without either.

And I can’t survive “nature anorexia” much either.  This is leading me to a deeper understanding of my power.  My raw, naked, natural power, when I’m raw, naked and powerful in nature.  I’m working at the details of manifesting the time I need to enter into what Bill Plotkin calls “the Death Lodge” in Soulcraft.  In fact, there is a physical place that has manifested and into which I shall be moving this weekend.

I shall have a couple of announcements soon.  One which will not be a surprise to those in the know, and the other… Well, let’s just say those who know me will probably say “It’s about effin’ time!”  And then I’ll get to work-in-rest. 

“I’m gonna ride in the Chariot in the morning Lady, I’m getting ready for Acceptance Day. My Lady, Lady!”

What Is Your 9-11 Tarot Card? September 10, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Every day I draw a tarot card to describe the energies of the day (today happens to be Queen of Disks).  So I divined for myself what card represents 9-11, for me personaly. 

The Princess of Cups

What card represents that particular day for you?  What does it mean?  For me, the Princess of Cups is a party girl, but one who enjoys the mysteries of life.  I didn’t really have as much of a take on her prior to the question, other than the Princess/Page always made me feel kind of happy.  It’s got a happy energy.  To me, having her energy as “9-11” means that there is a doorway to some better way of being, albeit one where we have to suffer through a number of deaths along the way.  Perhaps she’s Persephone in all her wonderful raiment…