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Denver Discordance November 27, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Well, whew!  Back from Denver, and I have a lot of feelings about it.  The most salient aspect however is that I have truly and thoroughly “enalienized” myself to the place.

“Enalienized” here means that my resonance has altered such that Denver no longer feels “home” to me.  Appropriately enough it’s the trees that sort of tipped me off to this.  In my journey to Denver, there was the obligatory trip to the old homestead in what is now Centennial, but what was once unincorporated Littleton when I was upgrowing dabei.

The fun thing was that on the day I went, I met my new friends Jade and Shen Tat at the delicious Mercury Cafe.  On the waay there, I realized that I had dreamt about the route thereto.  I took Broadway north from Evans, and it turns into Lincoln near Exposition, and from Lincoln I turned onto 18th which twisty-turnied all around.  (The dream really started with the turn off Lincoln.)  En route to the Merc, I had a call to drive south after my brunch with them, which was delic ious in terms of both company and food and lasted almost 3 hours!

Driving south, I went first to Spiritwise, and bought a few objects including a functional sculpture of a jawbone with a bat on it for dispelling that which no longer serves me, a bat ring and a wolf sculpture.

I drove further South still, for I felt I needed to go a certain route to the old homestead.  I didn’t realize it at the time but I was on a rigte of initiation of some sort, for I made a “wrong” turn onto Eudora Street off Dry Creek and found myself at my next destination, the place I meant to go all along.

Medema Park.

This little parklet was the closest one to my Littleon abode from 1976 to 1982.  And there was a tree here that was calling to me.  Emburon, by name.  A pine tree of course, who was to give me a bit of instruction.  I made a 2nd pilgrimage later to Emburon, bearing an offering of chocolate.  (E would have preferred Ghirardelli, but had to setle for Lindt, alas.)  I’m now charged with discovering “tree speed.”  Which is simultaneously slow and fast, needless to say.  Slow in the “reality” of meatspace, but circulation wise, lightning quick.

Anyway, after my first encounter with Emburon, I realized I had contracted food poisoning somewhere.  Funny, but now that I’m writing this, I wonder if there wasn’t another awareness that had inserted itself into me through my interaction with the tree that put me in touch with the discordance underlying.  Anyway, I spent that night doubled over in stomach pain.  And my days thereafter were a bit dissonant.

Upon arrival dissonance was thematic however.  I took the wrong turn off of Tower Road and ended up on 104th Ave., nearer the older Northglenn homestead (near 120th and N. Washington, actually).  I took another twisty-turny journey (ah, a theme!), that took me to the general area where my Daddles used to work when I upgrew, and from where he was cast out in the first wave of ditching longtime employees nearing full pension.  Ah, Ronald Reagan farts farts farts!

From that Sunday-Monday onwards, my trip took on a much more bittersweet hue.  It always was going to be thus, seeing as the last time I was in Denver, I was part of a couple, and now I am the single guy again.  I’m now also a published author, and I sold 4 of my Doom Sonnets for After the vEmpire. So again, the bittersweet and the twisty-turny.  A rather blackthorn experience this trip, I guess.  And a loneliness started to insinuate itself into the Work of this God.  And the trees were there to gently support this awareness.

On Thanksgiving Day, I was with my sister and her family, and there was a moment in the afternoon, when I was by myself in the kitchen washing some pot or other, and that loneliness made his embarke’d experience known.  I have to say it was a total surprise, and a familiar feeling I’ve not experienced in a LONG time.  And that was when the awareness started to settle in as well, that Denver was not home.

And another awareness.  That I am going to have to have a lot of courage going forward with the new aspect of my Work as Professional Playwright-Producer.  I have a title for my new company–“Cultural Janitorial Detail.”  To accord with the Morell aspect of my being.  To put all of it together, actually.  Also fun–CJD also stands for Creuzfeld-Jakob Disease.  CJD is the medical acronym that denotes “Mad Cow Disease.”  CJD to transform the cultural CJD that afflicts us all.

Even though my sensibility is decidedly “Denver,” and those who live there know exactly of what I speak, it doesn’t agree with me.  As I sit here writing this blog entry, and feeling it’s woefully incomplete, I feel a vague sense of nausea as if the food poisoning of 6 days ago is always going to be associated with Denver going forward.  Lovely.  I’m back in the Hudson-Mohawk region, and I have some plans for the day now.  Today is the first day I’ve been able to incorporate Emburon’s task in my practice, which has pointed to certain activities.  (This was not among them, alas.  But still, it was something I felt compelled to do.)

I look forward to how my own Big Eden will manifest in this delicious and “deicious” (thank you o goddess of typos!) place.  Unfold ye sacred heaven on earth, rightcheer in Adirondack land.


Struggle with Rest Part II October 30, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Well, I do hope this does not become a series, but I do need to address it, dammit.  There seems to be a desire inside me to stay sick for a while, and I can say for sure it arises from my desire to do do do.  It is difficult sometimes to stop stop stop.  I watch my cats, and think of Eckhart Tolle’s observations at how felines are all zen masters by default.  Samson & Cerridwen seem to know how to just relax, to just be.  And I do have my moments, but they are accidental. 

Though I suppose purposeful rest seems a bit of an oxymoron, I guess that’s what I think I desire right this minute.  I have good days and bad days, but I also have an informal assignment to sit by my willow tree teacher every day for 2 weeks, and that makes things a tad difficult seeing as how the tree is across the river in an area of town that would require paid parking were I to actually park close enough to just walk over the bridge.  I park a bit further away–though I notice that with each passing day during the week, the places got closer and closer.  On the weekend it doesn’t matter, and I parked just around the corner from the walkway. Still, I park then I walk, then I cut across the bridge and walk “through my kingdom” (smiley face with beaming grin!) and attend to her thoughts and teachings and observations.

Even in the context of this attempted rest, I ams eeing that intentions are arising for my near future, and I have a couple of plans of action.  I have begun to take an herbalism class, for example.  I trust that I shall be blogging about my relationships with various plant allies in the course of things.  I seem to have a general direction for 5 years out, with this vision of living in a forest community to the north of here.  North of Glens Falls even.  I see myself as an active and integral part of this settlement, engaged in what I don’t yet know.  I seem to have some leadership/elder roles though.  A go-to guy in this place.  I see that my writing projects continue and this next year start to bear fruit.  Reading about Neptune entering Pisces, I further understand that this could be “my year!” as it were.  Cross your fingers and toes folks.  It would be nice for the 25 years to make an overnight success would befall me in the year before the Mayan Calendar comes to a comma.  Or whatever it is supposed to be.

More to be revealed btw, with the Great Psychic Comb-Out on Cerridwen’s Mountain.  I have mroe where that came from!

Changing Relationships with the Cities October 27, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Civilization Anonymous, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Since I moved now to Rensselaer, I’ve become aware that my relationships with both Albany and Troy have shifted quite a bit. Because I worked downtown and have since ankled the soul-suck job, I have an understandable hesitancy about heading down that way again.  I have an assignment from my favorite Willow Goddess to visit every day for an hour a day for 2 weeks, to begin when I was ready.  I started that yesterday, and on the way to the park, I found I wanted to avoid being seen by anyone from any of my old jobs.  It’s funny, but I was on Pearl Street for a couple of minutes last week, and I walked past someone I used to work with, and it was like she didn’t recognize me.  I was sort of glad about that, and hopeful even.

The City of Albany is a bigger place than just that State-Pearl-Broadway corridor.  That is the epicenter of the place, but I find it’s occluded by all the bidness tealings that are going on down there.  All of that excess negative energy gets in the way of hearing the City’s vibrant soul.  It’s been just all that I can do to check in with Aurora Petra Majesta, and every once in awhile, Cappy at the top of the hill to say “Hey deah!”  I found myself looking at the city wistfully as I drove in on Route 32 and realizing that I no longer was in the same place.

Likewise with Troy, and I feel an odd sense that I was really never meant to put down roots there.  That while I was meant to live there for a time, that I wasn’t meant to stay there and that I can see this in retrospect is interesting to me because I really didn’t understand that in the time in lived in Little Italy.  I acted as if I was supposed to be there, but in the intervening time since the Breakup, it’s become more and more apparent that Troy served its catalyzing purpose of parting what wasn’t resonant to begin with.

The metallic nature of Troy worked to slice the relationship in twain, and to leave the two of us as single again.  That’s just the way of it.  Now I’ve left the place and while I sort of miss it, I do love this new place I’ve moved to.  In fact, though I sense I’m heading ultimately into a forest community of some sort, I wonder if there’s a way I’ll be able to hold onto this location.  It’s a piece of the puzzle to ponder.

I think that as life continues on, my relationship with Albany will deepen in profound ways.  I have this vision of myself way in the future as an Elder Shaman, walking down Broadway amidst the ruins of the former capital of the Empire State.  I sense that the notion of the U.S.A. is a quaint memory of times gone by, held in reverence mixed with spite.  That the place now is in a different relationship with its denizens, and I’m taking a nostalgic stroll along the pathway I walked each day for a time to attend to one of my soul-sucks.  I keep walking up B’way and turn up Livingston and head as if up to Albany Memorial because I’m visiting a family that needs my Elder/shaman aid.  I wear a cape, no shirt, a sarong, sandals.  It’s a bright and cold December day, no snow on the ground and none expected.  I seem to be all right with the bluster and reveling in the sun.  It’s an image I’ve long had, and I don’t know where it fits in, how it fits in with the future I’m imagining for myself.  But I know there’s an essential truth in it, and that Albany is in my blood.

Nine of Wands October 17, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Civilization Anonymous, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Personal Journey.
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In Stevee Postman’s Cosmic Tribe tarot deck, the 9 of wands is labeled “Community.”  When I first moved up to the Albany-Troy area, I associated this card with the yearning for a place where I feel like “they’ve got my back, and I’ve got others’ backs as well.”  I found it would come up every once in a while with readings involving the first company I worked with here, and sometimes I feel an odd nostalgia for that place.  Not that I wish to go back, but I did feel that there was some sort of nascent bonding there that had some pop.

More often than not, it refers to my dream these days.  When I do tarot readings for myself, I use a modified Celtic Cross.  I let the first card be the significator, and then “this covers me,” “this crosses me,” etc.  I also pay attention to the bottom card, and I use a relatively recent technique I learned at a witch camp where I add all the value cards together and reduce it to a number between 1 and 22 to get a Major Arcana card that links all the cards together.  The bottom card literally shows what is at bottom of the situation, oftentimes the bottom line.

Today, I visited Crandall Park in Glens Falls, New York, and the pine trees there invited me to take a reading for their insights into my situation.  The end result is the Heterosexual lovers card (Lesbian lovers was also in the reading, but in the leaving influence position), and on the bottom?  Yep.  9 of wands. 

It is stressed in literature about establishing community how difficult it is to form these elusive creatures of commonality.  One doesn’t go in with a recipe.  Instant community?  That’s like powdered water.  What do you add to it?

Dmitry Orlov and others have pointed out that community is oftentimes created out of necessity and circumstance.  Like in New Orleans during Katrina.  Communities and tribes basically formed spontaneously as the crisis unfolded, and the unlikeliest of people ended up bonding–just like in disaster movies!  I feel like we’re all collectively living on the set of a reality disaster series, but it’s like most people are unaware of the scenario. 

I do think that is changing, and my experiences over the past 2 months have encouraged me to develop a wider sense of hope and optimism.  Today, I choose to focus my energies on the most wonderful outcomes.  And I’ve alluded to this in the past on this blog, that I envision a place where I can walk out of my home after toweling off from a fresh shower, without any side trip to the bedroom “to get dressed.”  That the sky is enough of a suit for my glorious powerful self and it is to be shared and celebrated.  I have even gone so far in my visions to see myself wearing workboots (only!) and climbing up a ladder to the top of a house being built, to construct the roof. 

Those pine trees seem to have been saying to me, yes, yes.  The choices are coming and you can make them.  Some choices will be ones you would make anyway, and others may be a bit awkward, but it’s there.  The linking card (the Wheel) says to me that the magic of the times calls for this Work, these Powers to be unleashed.

And I’ve been doing it and celebrating my blessings all along the way.


Probably my hardest year ever September 27, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Personal Journey, Uncategorized.
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This whole process dates way way back.  Much of what I thought I was, who I thought I am, is being stripped away.  It’s been building for a really long time, and now I’m in a surrender place.  And I’m not alone, but I’m alone.  Need to go through this by myself, because it’s about taking the fragile butterfly who’s emerged from the chrysalis and give myself the space that’s necessary to let the wings harden and to keep the heart and the belly soft. 

I’ve cleared the deck, as far as that goes.  Moved to a new place.  And now I’ve cleared my schedule of that last little bit of cocoon irritation called “the job.”  As of the Libra New Moon, I will have all the time I need for this healing/convalescence/exploration of this New Man emergent.

It’s been the big four: Loss of parent, loss of relationship, moving house and now, the voluntary separation from my place of woyklez.  The post-cocoon lodge has been prepared.  As of October 7, I will have shaken the last little bit of cocoon husk from my feet, and freed myself for come what may.  My feelings right now are all topsy-turvy.  It’s been a rough couple of months here, but really it’s been a rough time for longer than that. 

Because I’ve long known that I have needed to do this very thing, and to let the processes of change take over and trust that it’s all going to be divinely appointed.  It is anyway, and I’ve been telling people I need to take a leap of faith, which is better than a leap off a building isn’t it?  Or a leap of a bridge. 

I’ve taken risks like this before and there have been scary moments, but I’ve been able to get through them with just a little bit of worry at the end.  This one may be more open-ended, I don’t know.  I guess I will be creating another blog soon, and this one will more than likely take up the original themes of getting to know the neighborhoods and the cities, etc.  I have a couple of projects for this lined up.  And the new blog–well, I might call it Transparent Butterfly’s Hideaway.  Or something like that.  A short-term blog I would imagine, but one packed with intensity needless to say.  And more than likely starting on that New Moon.

Magick is afoot with this change of events–I gave notice on the Equinox.  We’ll see now where this takes me.  What is the Work, Joy, Pleasure & Radiance of this God indeed?

Hudson River Observation 9-24-10 September 24, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical.
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Today, I sat by the Hudson, my Mahikanitauk lovey, and communed with her.  I noticed that she was flowing north fairly quickly.  Faster than I’ve noticed her moving before.  She said “Oh, it’s just something I do every once in awhile.”

I flow pretty fast sometimes myself.

It’s just something I do every once in awhile.  There’s a lot of flow in my life right now.  A lot of obstacles are being blown away by my spirit.  I won’t say that I and others haven’t been hurt in this process.  But things will settle down.  The baseline will be reached.  This transparent butterfly will see his wings harden, but his belly and his heart remain teddy bear/lion cub soft.  (rargh. mew.) 

I laid on the ground and felt the power in the earth.  I felt the power of Ra glowing on my face.  I felt the power of the wind, blowing at my hair.  And the awesome power of the estuary separating Albany from Rensselaer Counties.  Both parts of my home as I have come to understand it.

My willow tree gave me an assignment.  I need to sit under her branches for an hour a day for 2 weeks.  I take it with my journal, to be some sort of sutdent of willow lore, I guess.  I shall most likely blog about it here.  Things are going to get a little mroe intense and quieter at the same time.  I open the the falling into myself.  Into Ecstasy.

Moved house September 23, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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Part of my big news that I alluded to earlier is probably to be inferred from this message, but I recently moved house.  The Troy apartment I lived in (and I do miss it a bit) is in a building with a noncommittal house spirit.  S/he is called “Gunder”, and s/he can shapeshift as a man herself, or a woman himself.  Sometimes Gunder would appear to me as a starry female, and other times as a James Lipton-esque sort of fellow.  (Odd, but there you have it.)  When I asked Gunder as to what my plans should be, the attitude was “Meh. Feh.”  Not exactly welcoming.

So about a month ago I was in Thacher Park dealing with some fallout feelings over the tectonic shifting in my life-plan, and Hekate, Cerridwen, Vesta and Persephone showed up to counsel me.  Vesta in particular took charge of my finding the house, telling me in fact that it had all been laid out for me.  I would be paying $X amount, I would be able to garden and keep my kitties, and I would be in Rensselaer near the water.  I inferred the last part, and I sort of saw a blueprint of something that seemed familiar to me. 

A little over 2 weeks ago, I surfed Craigslist and found this ad.  I decided only to look around in Rensselaer for now.  I don’t have much of a sense of the city itself as yet.  But there are some charms to it that are quite unassuming and quietly beautiful.   I came across the ad and I called the number, and I was surprised to hear the answering voice say “Hilton Center for the Arts.”  It turns out the organization also has a property management arm, and I just … well, sputter sputter, “I think I would like to come and see it.”

And it’s just exactly as Vesta said it would be.  It’s not perfect–there’s like no closet space.  I have organized the space so that my dressing area and office are in one place and my bedroom and altar in another.  My living room is jam-packed with all the stuff that I have accumulated in my almost 30 years since having left my childhood home.  But the thing is, my new home, which was once an icehouse on the Hudson (!), has a spirit as well.

I’ve decided to spell her name Teryka’.  The apostrophe on the end would be an accent–if I knew how to apply one in WordPress that is.  Pronounced (Tare-ee-KAH, not Tuh-REE-kuh)  Like terra cotta without the last syllable.  She’s a mannish woman who’s kind of flummoxed and tickled by me.  That’s all to the good.  There”s a humble and homespun element to her, and I will definitely groove to that.

I shall be spending time in Teryka’, but also I shall be spending lots more time in nature.  Circumstances shift and change week to week.  I will have more in a bit.  But there are others involved, alas.  That’s how life’s messiness can be sometimes…

Radical Self-acceptance September 16, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Mystical, Personal Journey.
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The past few months have been about shearing away that which no longer serves me.  The unfolding journey of this God demands that the impediments be cast aside, and they have been falling away in rot, or they have realized that their energies and mine don’t agree and blasted themselves away, and I’m getting ready to blast one away that is socially acceptable, but obstructs my wholeness, my authenticity. 

The fundament of Frostwolf is that I am a nature guy through and through.  I woke up to this seven years ago as the sugar and flour left my body.  In fact, it was at about this time of year, as fall started to settle in, that I realized this aspect of myself.  One particular day I went up to the Cloisters in upper Manhattan.  Somewhere after the equinox, I started to notice a deeper beauty in the surroundings, and then I realized the slow-but-fast nature of the changes occurring in the wheel year.  It got so that I could discern the quality difference of autumn before Samhain and after.  Then also, the shift into Yule, even though it’s covered and threaded with all the commercialism of the C holiday.  It wasn’t really until the Groundhog Day of 2004 though, that some things about this started to become more apparent, and the feeling of the earth’s energy below my feet was starting to get my attention.  It was around this time that I was told I was a witch, whether I knew it or not, and before too long, I had started off on a path toward embracing that aspect of myself. 

I had been in small ways all along, with my commitment to my playwriting.  I see in retrospect that much of what goes on with my playwriting reflects a connection to my soul, and many times in the past, that has been able to supersede the addictions in my life.  I have often wondered whether writing itself was an addiction, and I’m sure it can be.  But if so, it’s one like food for me.  I can’t survive without either.

And I can’t survive “nature anorexia” much either.  This is leading me to a deeper understanding of my power.  My raw, naked, natural power, when I’m raw, naked and powerful in nature.  I’m working at the details of manifesting the time I need to enter into what Bill Plotkin calls “the Death Lodge” in Soulcraft.  In fact, there is a physical place that has manifested and into which I shall be moving this weekend.

I shall have a couple of announcements soon.  One which will not be a surprise to those in the know, and the other… Well, let’s just say those who know me will probably say “It’s about effin’ time!”  And then I’ll get to work-in-rest. 

“I’m gonna ride in the Chariot in the morning Lady, I’m getting ready for Acceptance Day. My Lady, Lady!”

Another Opening, Another Show July 27, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions.
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Classic Theater Guild, Inc. is proud to present our 6th Director’s Project–4th at Indian Ladder Farms, right at the foot of the majestic Helderbergs!  Hence the name: Helderberg Theater Festival!

Plays presented include:  After Hours by Kevin Stone, directed by Darry Peasley; The Maker of Dreams by Oliphant Down, directed by Rie Lee; and The Zoo Story by Edward Albee directed by Linda Shirey.

Free admission.  Show times are

Friday, July 30, 8 p.m.
Saturday, July 31, 3 p.m
Sunday, August 1, 3 p.m.
Friday, August 6, 8 p.m.
Saturday, August 7, 3 p.m.
Sunday, August 8, 3 p.m.

I’ve been acting as producer of the evening.  The plays are varied–a comedy, a romance and an absurdist classic drama by an American master.  Something for everyone.

Living in the Mystery June 17, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Personal Journey.
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I hate it, but I’m in yet another of those phases where I feel like I need to just hang out and observe.  I need to live in the question, even though a more insistent and impulsive part of me wants for there to be answers.  That’s just not what’s on order.  ah, sigh…

As I was walking to the bus this morning, I was taking in all the wondrousness of the trip itself.  Troy, New York is a wonderful place to take things in.  There are some trees that are blooming and oh, such fragrances!  Lately I’ve been in a landscape of aromatics.

The mystery haunts these scents.  The mystery inheres in all of the actions and thoughts, the words and gestures all around me.  Air, fire, earth, water.

And my thoughts drift to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, which saps my heart, saps my energy.  Are we all doomed for real?  Due to our own stupid hubris? 

In any case, whatever the tomorrow or the day after may be, I have that notion of the the scent of trees.  I put myself in that space now.