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…Make me a channel … February 28, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Because I have quite the prodigious mind, it is always the easy way out for me to share of my intellect with people, whether they want it or not.  I t’s a mixed blessing to havbe a blog like this, where I can spew out thoughts that well up, that seem urgent in the moment, and if I were to go back and look at my blog entries, I could probably call up the state of mind wherefrom I wrote whatever came through the fingers and the keyboard into this cyberspace real-estate.

What is more difficult for me is to get into the heart and to the gut, and to call forth whatever inspirations and awareness of life arises from the emotional, spiritual and instinctive  areas of my existence.  I might like to think I’m being emotional, but if there is any desire to make an appeal in what I say, then there is a possibility of unconscious manipulation occurring.  And while I might say I don’t care what people think, the truth is I care more than I realize and thus the motivations can be well-hid indeed.

Today I was on a phone meetingf of one of the many 12-step programs out there I can avail myself of, and I spoke about the new book Emotional Sobriety published by AA World Service (I think).  I have been getting a lot out of this book, and funny enough, a reading today was from the signature piece of that little book, which Bill Wilson wrote for The Grapevine in January 1958.  In that writing he speaks of the St. Francis Prayer as his touchstone for working on his own emotional sobriety, which is a tough but rewarding concept to work on.

In contemplating the prayer, I recognize I am in one of those both/and places in my life, where I understand that I am a person who needs to be comforted, to be understood, to be loved, but that I must get through this time by loving, understanding and comforting others myself.  It is part of what we are all called to do, it is a common aspect of the work of each human being on the planet to perform these tasks, and to forgive, to forget the ego, and to allow new experience to form us into the persons we seek to become.

(“It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life,” as the prayer suggests.)

Today I needed to take a day of self-care and let my aching back heal from performing a lot of physical tasks.  For a self-employed person, self-care would seem to come at a cost, and yet it is something I can’t afford not to do.  I need to pace myself, because as I age, I understand that my health needs to be preserved, and that while some people wish to go through things quickly, for me the slow and careful way will need to take precedence for the most part.  Part of the problem with self-care though is that I can easily isolate, and that’s not good for me.  I’ve been on the phone a lot between my naps.

Part of self-care too is in meditation and prayer, and I find I don’t seem to be doing these as much as I did a year ago.  I guess honestly, the reason I’m not meditating right now is because I feel really sad. Much of the time, I don’t feel I have the inner reserves required to meet whatever might be coming at us.  I told my best friend today that a part of me also feels sad that I don’t seem to care as much about things like who wins the Oscars for Best hoo-hah-whatsit.  I used to live for that sort of thing, and … Feh!  It doesn’t offer the same sort of hit anymore.

I seem to be grieving the aspect of myself that so felt desperate to become famous and recognized.  I’ve long known that these are but fixes that have lost their spark for me.  It doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a writer, but it puts it in a different plane of understanding.  I still wish to write to connect with people, but I understand that I need to align it with divine will, and to connect out of a need to serve rather than a need to satiate ambition.

How does a writer serve others?  That is the question I need to begin to delve into.  How does a shaman-priest-playwright benefit his community?  It starts within of course, and I need to allow for the words and actions o fothers to seep inside me, for that is frequently where God Herself”s promptings live.

As part of this work, I need to let others help me.  I need to ask for help, which is quite difficult, but I’m doing it.  Haltingly, a day at a time  I need to feel the sadness, and yes, the anger that exists alongside it, and of course the loneliness and the fear.  The occasional joys.  And above all, gratitude for being able to be awake to all of this.

I don’t know the way forward.  THe other day, I had an appointment and I was asked in the interview what my plans for the future were.  I couldn’t answer.  I am a writer, but I’m not able to make money at this right now.  It would be nice to, yes.  But I don’t know what sort of b-job would be good for me these days.  I just finished reading Walden Two, in which Mr. Skinner observes that it’s a form of violence for a person to work at a job at which he ill-suited and incompetent.  The problem is I’m fairly competent at jobs that don’t suit me for  a period of time, and then they wear on me, and before too long I become a dull knife.  It’s because I’m participating in my own self-abuse.

I at least have the presence of mind to say “Fie” on the zombie jobs and the cubicles of vampiry.  I (and you dear reader) deserve much better than that.

But what does that look like?  That is the question.  I see that teaching is a part of it, but I’m not sure in what capacity as of yet.  I’m struggling to find my way.

Where there is hatred, may I bring love.  For example, with the Republican campaigns, I see there’s a lot of fingerpointing toward this that and the other Others out there.  Help me to love the people so afflicted with the lie of separation.  Therefore, also where there is error, may I bring the spirit of forgiveness.

Where there is discord may I bring harmony.  Help me to not inflame troubled waters and to effect reconciliations, if it be thy will.

Where there is wrong, may I bring truth.  But please be careful with my ego eager to take control of any situation.  All things in good measure.

Where there is doubt, may I bring faith.  Help me, O Lady-Lord-Brother-Sister to awaken the dormant awareness in others that all is as it should be and that people can take comfort that they are right where they are supposed to be.

Where ther is despair, may I bring hope.  Where there are shadows, may I bring light.  (And also I might add, where there is too much light, awaken the healing aspects of the dark as well.)  Where there is sadness, may I bring joy.

That last one is a challenge for me much of the time.  I can let people cry and cry if they need to.  I know I need to myself.  But I also wish to laugh and to play and to dance in the sunshine of the Spirit.  Help me to find these sunny parts of my character and shine them into the world, which so needs it.

May all this be so.  So mote it be.

Blessed be.

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