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…Make me a channel … February 28, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Because I have quite the prodigious mind, it is always the easy way out for me to share of my intellect with people, whether they want it or not.  I t’s a mixed blessing to havbe a blog like this, where I can spew out thoughts that well up, that seem urgent in the moment, and if I were to go back and look at my blog entries, I could probably call up the state of mind wherefrom I wrote whatever came through the fingers and the keyboard into this cyberspace real-estate.

What is more difficult for me is to get into the heart and to the gut, and to call forth whatever inspirations and awareness of life arises from the emotional, spiritual and instinctive  areas of my existence.  I might like to think I’m being emotional, but if there is any desire to make an appeal in what I say, then there is a possibility of unconscious manipulation occurring.  And while I might say I don’t care what people think, the truth is I care more than I realize and thus the motivations can be well-hid indeed.

Today I was on a phone meetingf of one of the many 12-step programs out there I can avail myself of, and I spoke about the new book Emotional Sobriety published by AA World Service (I think).  I have been getting a lot out of this book, and funny enough, a reading today was from the signature piece of that little book, which Bill Wilson wrote for The Grapevine in January 1958.  In that writing he speaks of the St. Francis Prayer as his touchstone for working on his own emotional sobriety, which is a tough but rewarding concept to work on.

In contemplating the prayer, I recognize I am in one of those both/and places in my life, where I understand that I am a person who needs to be comforted, to be understood, to be loved, but that I must get through this time by loving, understanding and comforting others myself.  It is part of what we are all called to do, it is a common aspect of the work of each human being on the planet to perform these tasks, and to forgive, to forget the ego, and to allow new experience to form us into the persons we seek to become.

(“It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life,” as the prayer suggests.)

Today I needed to take a day of self-care and let my aching back heal from performing a lot of physical tasks.  For a self-employed person, self-care would seem to come at a cost, and yet it is something I can’t afford not to do.  I need to pace myself, because as I age, I understand that my health needs to be preserved, and that while some people wish to go through things quickly, for me the slow and careful way will need to take precedence for the most part.  Part of the problem with self-care though is that I can easily isolate, and that’s not good for me.  I’ve been on the phone a lot between my naps.

Part of self-care too is in meditation and prayer, and I find I don’t seem to be doing these as much as I did a year ago.  I guess honestly, the reason I’m not meditating right now is because I feel really sad. Much of the time, I don’t feel I have the inner reserves required to meet whatever might be coming at us.  I told my best friend today that a part of me also feels sad that I don’t seem to care as much about things like who wins the Oscars for Best hoo-hah-whatsit.  I used to live for that sort of thing, and … Feh!  It doesn’t offer the same sort of hit anymore.

I seem to be grieving the aspect of myself that so felt desperate to become famous and recognized.  I’ve long known that these are but fixes that have lost their spark for me.  It doesn’t take away from the fact that I am a writer, but it puts it in a different plane of understanding.  I still wish to write to connect with people, but I understand that I need to align it with divine will, and to connect out of a need to serve rather than a need to satiate ambition.

How does a writer serve others?  That is the question I need to begin to delve into.  How does a shaman-priest-playwright benefit his community?  It starts within of course, and I need to allow for the words and actions o fothers to seep inside me, for that is frequently where God Herself”s promptings live.

As part of this work, I need to let others help me.  I need to ask for help, which is quite difficult, but I’m doing it.  Haltingly, a day at a time  I need to feel the sadness, and yes, the anger that exists alongside it, and of course the loneliness and the fear.  The occasional joys.  And above all, gratitude for being able to be awake to all of this.

I don’t know the way forward.  THe other day, I had an appointment and I was asked in the interview what my plans for the future were.  I couldn’t answer.  I am a writer, but I’m not able to make money at this right now.  It would be nice to, yes.  But I don’t know what sort of b-job would be good for me these days.  I just finished reading Walden Two, in which Mr. Skinner observes that it’s a form of violence for a person to work at a job at which he ill-suited and incompetent.  The problem is I’m fairly competent at jobs that don’t suit me for  a period of time, and then they wear on me, and before too long I become a dull knife.  It’s because I’m participating in my own self-abuse.

I at least have the presence of mind to say “Fie” on the zombie jobs and the cubicles of vampiry.  I (and you dear reader) deserve much better than that.

But what does that look like?  That is the question.  I see that teaching is a part of it, but I’m not sure in what capacity as of yet.  I’m struggling to find my way.

Where there is hatred, may I bring love.  For example, with the Republican campaigns, I see there’s a lot of fingerpointing toward this that and the other Others out there.  Help me to love the people so afflicted with the lie of separation.  Therefore, also where there is error, may I bring the spirit of forgiveness.

Where there is discord may I bring harmony.  Help me to not inflame troubled waters and to effect reconciliations, if it be thy will.

Where there is wrong, may I bring truth.  But please be careful with my ego eager to take control of any situation.  All things in good measure.

Where there is doubt, may I bring faith.  Help me, O Lady-Lord-Brother-Sister to awaken the dormant awareness in others that all is as it should be and that people can take comfort that they are right where they are supposed to be.

Where ther is despair, may I bring hope.  Where there are shadows, may I bring light.  (And also I might add, where there is too much light, awaken the healing aspects of the dark as well.)  Where there is sadness, may I bring joy.

That last one is a challenge for me much of the time.  I can let people cry and cry if they need to.  I know I need to myself.  But I also wish to laugh and to play and to dance in the sunshine of the Spirit.  Help me to find these sunny parts of my character and shine them into the world, which so needs it.

May all this be so.  So mote it be.

Blessed be.

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Thoughts on the 7th Step and the vEmpire February 20, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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At some point, I think that governments are going to have to outlaw 12-Step Groups. As addictions and cancer and other diseases of abnormal growth begin to fester and tear at the collective psyche of the vEmpire mindset, any attempts and forays toward sanity will be seen as treasonous by the psychotic minds that steer this RMS Titanic into the iceberg field.

Which of the steps is the most treasonous? Well, the first one probably, where we admit that we are powerless over whatever compulsion alters our body chemistry to the point that we do insane things. The 2nd Step too is a treason to the addict mindset because we are acknowledging that we are insane and that we need a higher level of awareness, thought and presence to be able to get through it. Higher than a corporation, a government or a church structure, and then in the 3rd Step there’s another sort of treason that emerges when we come to our own conception of God(s) that will resotre us to sanity, and make the decision to align/turn over our will to that Source Being.

Still, I was thinking this morning about the 7th Step and how I am seeking to let go of certain character traits such as self-seeking, overwhelming ambition and self-pity, and that I really do get in my own way.

It was pointed out to me recently that many artists died penniless, and they still went after their work. I guess I’ve been resistant to that, and the vEmpire’s seductions of fame, instant celebrity, etc., can make for an intoxicating cocktail of fantasy and self-loathing combined. I can get into “compare and despair,” due to the compulsion to envy. That hasn’t hit me so much lately, but I see that in this toxic swill of addictive notions, envy is a stock in trade, one that is zealously fanned by various forces in our culture.

Perhaps people think I’m being paranoid, but I view this is the eagle’s viewpoint, surveying the barbarous steel-concrete-glass-asphalt Jungle Barbarous.

In trying to fit myself to the world I find myself in, I feel a lot of pain, for I can’t follow the path to my heart and strive after compulsions at the same time. Of late, I have been experiencing a lot of difficulty, of feeling like i”m driving with the brakes on because the unhealthy aspect of the ego is still trying to go after the dreams I had in high school. And now that I’m subbing in middle schools and high schools, I can get a sense of how that all came to be, how that aspect of things really hasn’t changed all that much.

“Humbly asked God to remve our shortcomings.” Or in my parlance, “Humbly asked Godsoul to dispel that which no longer works for me” This is the part of the 12 Steps that reminds me of the Goddess Beloved Prayer, wherein I ask Goddess Within and Without to fill me with the clarity so that I would know myself in all my parts, that all that no longer serves creation is dispelled, and that I also be filled with the power that exposes me in my hiding, so that I may emerge from the caves and live and dance and celebrate life in the ecstasy of divine love.

Talk about treason!

What is asked of me as a playwright-shaman is certainly not an easy path, for I am now in the midst of assembling yet another 4th Step of my resentments, shame and fears about my writing. And by extension fame/obscurity. It helps me to frame the work I do here (or rather The WORK) as treason in a way because I sense that a lot of people look at where I go and they shudder at the prospect of doing this themselves. I get to be the pioneer here, letting the Venus and Jupiter in Aries push me toward a dare and toward my own honor. I have to be a sort of Eric the Red of the Interior New World as it were, reacquainting myself with the shadowed parts of myself that have been shunted off into the wilderness of my shame and despair. And I have to go here, because it’s what I’m called for.

I’m reminded of Ibsen, who was once upbraided by the King of Sweden for writing “Ghosts,” which he called a most unsavory play. And Ibsen dug down deep into himself and spoke, perhaps with a bit of fear, that “he had to write that play.” He had to write all of his plays, didn’t he? And though it took me a long time to find appreciation of it, I am eternally grateful to him–especially fo “A Doll House” which pointed up my own awareness of the difficulties in my own relationship at the time I saw a production of it. Ibsen sort of prepared me for the life I have today. Odd to consider it, but I see that I am a bit of Nora Helmer and a bit of Hedda Gabler at the same time.

I suppose it is theoretically possible for people to work the twelve steps and twelve traditions without treason to the vEmpire, but it has to be by necessity superficial. And then what’s the point? People like that aren’t going to stick around. When people clutgch at this life preserver they are desperate for their viewpoint and mode of being to change. I certainly was, and I have come to understand more about how I still get in my own way.

Self-seeking, thoughtlessness, self-absorption, inconsideration of others, fear and resentment, self-pity–these all crop up because my ego strives for that which is not available to it. Consdieration, courtesy, tolerance and love, forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude–these are the ways through, and, yes, though we extol these concepts in vEmpire, the actual workings of them bypass the puny and pathetic cconstrictions and conscriptions that officialdom/corprorate heirarchy would impose. They ask for a thiimblefull of mana. Bwahahaha! Impossible. They demand a dry ocean to sustain them. They demand the potato to grow branches and roots rather than to be a network on the ground.

How treasonous is that? Potatoes,strawberries, etc. What a bad idea! Nature? The nerve!

(Not to diss trees and the arboreal, but I also celebrate the rhizomatic, huzzah, huzzah!)

To be continued, but I realize that I have embarked on a provocative path. Ultimately I wish to be free from all my compulsions, and to bask in the sunshine of the spirit. Living my process I encounter agony when my ego takes me into places iit’s not meant to go. Like everyday life as we live it, immersed as it is in fantasy, shame, despair, disease and sicknesses of all sorts. I partake of these at my own risk. And the bad news, which is the good news, is that I find myself in a painful state sooner rather than later.

God Herself, I ask that you transform all of me into the Healthy Priest who makes all things sound. Please alter those traits that no longer serves the Work of this God, that stands in the way of usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grant me the strength to go out from here and to enact divine and aligned will in this delicious garden of possibility.

Blessed be.

My new version of the 3rd Step Prayer February 5, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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God Herself, I avail myself of thee, to cocreate this reality and work with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of unhealthy Ego so that I may better perform in alignment with all my parts. Take away my difficulties and shine your light and dark on my fears so that their clearing may attest to thy Power, thy Love and thy Way of Life. May I do aligned will of all my parts with Godsoul’s direction and guidance always. Blessed be.