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Deeper Spiritual Awakenings – Further Aries Ideas January 6, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.

“Let us find you.”

Those words resounded in my consciousness the first time I saw Big Eden about ten years ago at the Quad Theater in the West Village of Manhattan.  This particular film I’ve written about a few times, but yesterday in a session with my counselor, it became apparent that the very thing I’ve been longing the most for I’ve been also resisting.

It’s so easy to fall into the self-deception.  “There are all these steps I need to take to call forth my tribe.”  And I can start to enumerate them one by one, but isn’t it true, like in the film, that the tribe emerges in the places we find ourselves, and that our tribespeople emerge more out of happenstance than anything else?  Henry Hart in the film of his spiritual awakening lives in a nurturing and loving place and he’s going to be the last to wake up to it.  That’s the struggle of the film–will he see this place, Big Eden, Montana, loves and adores and cherishes him?

So too, the question seems to be for myself, will I so awaken to the love that is everywhere around me?  Evidently it takes a deeper level of surrender than I’ve before known.  I guess this awareness emerges now, in 2012, the year of the Water Dragon, last year of the known Mayan calendar, because I need to know from true power versus mere force.

And I’ve been forcing–how I’ve been forcing!  As I have been pondering the messages of my Aries transits, I began to understand that Aries as the innocent newborn, approaches an experience fresh.  Sometimes the energy will seek to imprint his or her energy upon the place of experience, and other times he or she will sit in simple and “stupid” awe of something greater.  I put stupid in quotes because I see this type of stupid as the shutting down of intellect in a positive sense.  Perhaps there is a better word for that?  But I am aware that Aries is first and foremost an instinctual sign, and much of its power just comes from daring to press through and say “Here I am!  I am HERE!” and present his or her Aries self as worthwhile and powerful just from the place of being.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The power of Aries is in the seedling pushing its stem out from the seed up through the soil and cracking that wishful surface to salute the sun and take in the nourishment that is everywhere abundant, that the seedling knows is its due.  And yes, the seedlings are vulnerable to various herbivores that might see its succulent new juicy green-flesh and slurp it up.  But that’s life–all things feed each other.

My counselor reflected something quite important and disarming back to me yesterday.  In talking about my intentions for writing a television show about a gay couple acting as guardians for their respective nieces in a small Northeastern town as the society comes apart in a sort of Modern Family meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only where the monsters are climate change, socioeconomic instability, enviornmental chaos and resource depletion, that my intention was to write to the current moment.  (Interestingly, yesterday I flashed upon Dickens as being a necessary influence here, and I had a copy of Bleak House with me in the counselor’s office.)  I further said my goal was to push the characters toward the creation of a Transition Town in this fictional place out of It’s a Wonderful Life and Our Town both, and he asked what a TT was.  It was in the course of my explanation that he asked, “so you’re scared about these things?”  And I had to of course say that yes I was, but I felt compelled to get to the hopeful side of things.  To which he countered, “but you seem more scared than hopeful.”

I got very silent as I took that in.  Part of me was embarrassed.  Part of me thought “F*ck, he’s being a manipulative therapist!”  But part of me was relieved to be caught.  Because I have probably been marinating in the fear for a really long time, and have felt quite powerless to do anything about it because I’m one person and there’s not a lot just one person can do.  And then I said, “I guess what I’m seeking is my tribe.”

I’ve been deceiving myself that I’m in a place of hope.  I want to be.  I see that’s the direction I need to go toward, but it’s not quite the reality that I can visualize that I’m there and it is so.  I also have to do the work of feeling my feelings, of feeling lonely, scared and sad.  I’ve known this.  I’ve said as much.  And I also need to take some actions toward the creation of the tribe, but really isn’t that more just a clearing of the space and deepening my soulful connections to others and to all that is?  To All My Relations?

I now grok that it’s time to release the idea that “the next place” I live will be the one where I really find community.  I love Glens Falls and the North Country, but for today my work is in Rensselaer, New York.  And while I believe that a lot of the structures that we have in place, entities like “Rensselaer County,” “New York State” and the “United States of America,” are quaint fictions that scared sedentaries tell themselves and fortify in their effort to whistle a happy tune, I’m whistling my own secessionist happy tunes as well, alongside them. Sometimes dissonant, sometimes consonant which really unnerves and disgruntles.

For yesterday, I also was confronted with the last few paragraphs of the “Working with Others” chapter of the AA Big Book, which ends “We have ceased fighting anyone and anything.”  As I drove home from the last place I attended to my own obligations, I felt something open in my abdomen under my heart.  I guess that was my third chakra.  And the thought “I don’t have to be afraid anymore” just manifested in that quiet open space.  It came from the still small voice in my being, and it’s right on schedule I guess.  But yesterday was a day for tears of joy and a new appreciation for my juicy reality.

The seedling stretches through the earth, and senses there is light emergent.  And the intellect now needs to understand its duty is to support this exciting prospect.  Its not in the lead here, and I seek to align myself to Godsoul’s Will for Me as I understand its amazingly loving voice.

I will let myself be found.



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