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Deeper Spiritual Awakenings – Further Aries Ideas January 6, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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“Let us find you.”

Those words resounded in my consciousness the first time I saw Big Eden about ten years ago at the Quad Theater in the West Village of Manhattan.  This particular film I’ve written about a few times, but yesterday in a session with my counselor, it became apparent that the very thing I’ve been longing the most for I’ve been also resisting.

It’s so easy to fall into the self-deception.  “There are all these steps I need to take to call forth my tribe.”  And I can start to enumerate them one by one, but isn’t it true, like in the film, that the tribe emerges in the places we find ourselves, and that our tribespeople emerge more out of happenstance than anything else?  Henry Hart in the film of his spiritual awakening lives in a nurturing and loving place and he’s going to be the last to wake up to it.  That’s the struggle of the film–will he see this place, Big Eden, Montana, loves and adores and cherishes him?

So too, the question seems to be for myself, will I so awaken to the love that is everywhere around me?  Evidently it takes a deeper level of surrender than I’ve before known.  I guess this awareness emerges now, in 2012, the year of the Water Dragon, last year of the known Mayan calendar, because I need to know from true power versus mere force.

And I’ve been forcing–how I’ve been forcing!  As I have been pondering the messages of my Aries transits, I began to understand that Aries as the innocent newborn, approaches an experience fresh.  Sometimes the energy will seek to imprint his or her energy upon the place of experience, and other times he or she will sit in simple and “stupid” awe of something greater.  I put stupid in quotes because I see this type of stupid as the shutting down of intellect in a positive sense.  Perhaps there is a better word for that?  But I am aware that Aries is first and foremost an instinctual sign, and much of its power just comes from daring to press through and say “Here I am!  I am HERE!” and present his or her Aries self as worthwhile and powerful just from the place of being.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The power of Aries is in the seedling pushing its stem out from the seed up through the soil and cracking that wishful surface to salute the sun and take in the nourishment that is everywhere abundant, that the seedling knows is its due.  And yes, the seedlings are vulnerable to various herbivores that might see its succulent new juicy green-flesh and slurp it up.  But that’s life–all things feed each other.

My counselor reflected something quite important and disarming back to me yesterday.  In talking about my intentions for writing a television show about a gay couple acting as guardians for their respective nieces in a small Northeastern town as the society comes apart in a sort of Modern Family meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only where the monsters are climate change, socioeconomic instability, enviornmental chaos and resource depletion, that my intention was to write to the current moment.  (Interestingly, yesterday I flashed upon Dickens as being a necessary influence here, and I had a copy of Bleak House with me in the counselor’s office.)  I further said my goal was to push the characters toward the creation of a Transition Town in this fictional place out of It’s a Wonderful Life and Our Town both, and he asked what a TT was.  It was in the course of my explanation that he asked, “so you’re scared about these things?”  And I had to of course say that yes I was, but I felt compelled to get to the hopeful side of things.  To which he countered, “but you seem more scared than hopeful.”

I got very silent as I took that in.  Part of me was embarrassed.  Part of me thought “F*ck, he’s being a manipulative therapist!”  But part of me was relieved to be caught.  Because I have probably been marinating in the fear for a really long time, and have felt quite powerless to do anything about it because I’m one person and there’s not a lot just one person can do.  And then I said, “I guess what I’m seeking is my tribe.”

I’ve been deceiving myself that I’m in a place of hope.  I want to be.  I see that’s the direction I need to go toward, but it’s not quite the reality that I can visualize that I’m there and it is so.  I also have to do the work of feeling my feelings, of feeling lonely, scared and sad.  I’ve known this.  I’ve said as much.  And I also need to take some actions toward the creation of the tribe, but really isn’t that more just a clearing of the space and deepening my soulful connections to others and to all that is?  To All My Relations?

I now grok that it’s time to release the idea that “the next place” I live will be the one where I really find community.  I love Glens Falls and the North Country, but for today my work is in Rensselaer, New York.  And while I believe that a lot of the structures that we have in place, entities like “Rensselaer County,” “New York State” and the “United States of America,” are quaint fictions that scared sedentaries tell themselves and fortify in their effort to whistle a happy tune, I’m whistling my own secessionist happy tunes as well, alongside them. Sometimes dissonant, sometimes consonant which really unnerves and disgruntles.

For yesterday, I also was confronted with the last few paragraphs of the “Working with Others” chapter of the AA Big Book, which ends “We have ceased fighting anyone and anything.”  As I drove home from the last place I attended to my own obligations, I felt something open in my abdomen under my heart.  I guess that was my third chakra.  And the thought “I don’t have to be afraid anymore” just manifested in that quiet open space.  It came from the still small voice in my being, and it’s right on schedule I guess.  But yesterday was a day for tears of joy and a new appreciation for my juicy reality.

The seedling stretches through the earth, and senses there is light emergent.  And the intellect now needs to understand its duty is to support this exciting prospect.  Its not in the lead here, and I seek to align myself to Godsoul’s Will for Me as I understand its amazingly loving voice.

I will let myself be found.

A Meditation on Aries, Or, Confessions of the Son of a Libra Mom January 1, 2012

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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The title of this post covers a bit of ground, and yet once I’m finished with this, I don’t think I will capture anything of what either idea suggests.  They are related, however.

Aries and Libra roughly correspond to the onset of Spring and Fall respectively.  They are both cardinal signs, signifying the beginning of their respective seasons as well as the beginnings of certain sorts of actions being taken in the world.  (As I’ve noted elsewhere, the emotional beginnings of the seasons lie in the middle of fixed signs, with the festivals of Imbolc, Beltaine, Lammas and Samhain, but that’s not germane to this topic.)  Ariees and Libra both have the dynamic of self and other, with the Aries focused on the self and frequently being accused of selfishness, and Libra focused on the other, and frequently being accused of enabling and passive-aggressive behaviors.

Aries is fire and Libra is air.  They both have an obligation to work on that self-other dynamic with the foci respectively being on the individual within the relationship and the pairing as well.  And having grown up with a Libra mom who I think quite consciously sought out to repress the Aries aspects in my character with a good deal of success, I see that I have a troubled relationsihp with this dynamic in my own life.

It’s amazingly fitting to bring all this up right now.  Nearly 22 years have passed since the Sun progressed into Aries, and this past Samhain, the Moon progressed into the sign where she will be for the next 2 or so years.  And this arrangement could not have arrived at a more needed time.  I’m finally finding the wounded male child within.

Since Samhain, it’s been a quietly dramatic struggle, one that visibly doesn’t look like a lot going on.  Basically, I’m like the seedling coming out of the seed and wending its way through the earth in search of the sunlight and the water I know will be available to me once I break the surface.  The deck is being cleared for a serious growth spurt on an energetic and psychic level, and for me it really is entering into the Aries aspects of my character.  I have both Venus and Jupiter there, in the 12th House, intercepted by Placidus Houses.

For a short time in my 20s I was confused about which house system to use, but Placidus has always intuitively felt right because of this interception.  (I even have an interception by Porphyry, which is comparatively rare.  It happens though when one of the double-housed sign poliarites happens to be on the midheaven-naadir axis, as it so happens in my chart with Taurus rising and a Capricorn MC.)  I have long felt though that my Venus and Jupiter energies have been quite muted, and I was under the impression I would finally get access to them sometime in my 40s.

I didn’t know however, that it would involve struggle, but that’s Aries for you.  I liken the Aries side of me to that part of me that will always be cranky and colicky, the little baby that didn’t have the best birth experience in the world.  In the addict part of my character, it’s the part of me that can manifest as restless, irritable and discontent, and have a volcanic eruption.  The nice thing about Aries that is also unsettling, is that the sign gets really angry, erupts and it’s gone.  Gone, poof, just like that!  And while another person might feel they’ve got all this acidic goo all over themselves, the Aries is free.

Whatever we might feel about this phemonema it’s just the way things are, and to the Libra Mother I had, this was most intolerable.  I don’t have a lot of memories of my early childhood, but I have the consciousness that when I awoke to the more or less continuous consciousness of waking experience somewhere in my 5th or 6th year, I was already “de-Ariesed” if you will.  The fiery warrior energy would come out every once in awhile in a sideways fashion, but for the most part I was the docile Taurus rising, Pisces dreamboat child even into my teens.  It wasn’t until I figured out I was gay that a small iota of Aries came back into my life.

But for the most part, the non-Aries parts of my character have been rewarded again and again.  So that has meant that the Love and Faith natures of my being have been eclipsed by other factors, most notably my Cancer moon which I admit can dominate a lot of areas in my life.  And now it’s coming to be the time when that Cancer moon needs the challenges that my Venus and Jupiter will be issuing to it in their own expression, so that the Cancer moon can strengthen and get rid of some of the smothering energies that I know so well.

I have a feeling that a lof of my best writing comes from some Aries influences.  I have this one play Timberline,, which is still my favorite play I’ve ever written, over 25 years later.  It’s just a 20-minute piece, but it captures a moment in a way that I’ve not been able to quite pull off since.  It has a spring-like freshness to it, and it’s so frickin’ present!  (I have it on Cerridwen’s Mountain for those who are interested.)

The other day, my best friend and I were talking and I was reporting this whole Aries thiing, and he is the one who got me thinking about the Libra Mom connection as he also has a Libra mother.  One thing Libras have a real hard time with is direct speech.  “I feel this way.  When you take that action, I end up feeling this feeling, and I want you to stop it. ”  Libra wants to negotiate, and as such categorical statements about feelings especially are very hard for Libra to integrate. As both an air sign and the one sign in the zodiac that is a machine, Libra frequently has to approximate the notion of feelings.

And my mother, god herself bless her, was born on a day when there were no planets in water signs at all.  Interesting she should marry a double Cancer (with Leo rising) and have a Pisces sun-Cancer moon son.  Now, Aries is a fire sign, and most often Aries won’t be having too many direct feeling conversations with a person.  The Aries will be more like “I did x.  You don’t like it?  Tough noogies.”  Though there’s the part of them that is the dependent child and they have a hard time holding on to that.  Still, Aries is the sign famous for “Do what you need to and make the apologies later.”  And you know, it more often than not works for them.

Still, Libra HATES to be left out of decisions, as much as they dither about them.  They are really quite decisive, and they have been historically quite adept at being generals and captains of government especially.

And when I figured out I was gay, it’s interesting to consider the Libra mom side of things, because from her then-unhip position, this was something I never consulted her about–how could that possibly be true?  Didn’t I know that of myself, I was nothing, and couldn’t I see how such an evil decision revealed as much?  That’s why she left the Bible turned to a heinous passage in my room that one night.  And then when I told her to read the “judge not, lest ye be judged part,” oh how offensive–and ARIES!–how dare I?

(Libra does high dudgeon best of any sign.)

And this dynamic set up that 5 year period in my 20s when I disowned my family for a time because I needed distance from a family that would disown me for being gay “because they loved me so much.”

And even though there’s a part of me that really wishes I was done with that whole fracas around my coming out, it’s really a deep echo of something that took place even earlier in the fractals of my life.  I have the sense that there are some events that were too difficult for the 2 and 3 year-old Dicky to be able to assimilate and some dissociation took place.  After all I was quite the docile child.  People could have accused me of being afraid of my own shadow and I’m sure I had days where I was.  Where the hell did that come from?

My brother, with an Aries Moon, got that part of me which was so violently repressed.  He took on that extra Aries energy with a vengeance and he was sort of a terror, into GI Joe, cowboys and indians, wargames, etc.  He loved sports as a kid.  I detested them. I’m sure there were certain predispositions in me toward the arts and interior crafts as opposed to the outdoors and the energetic arts.  But I wonder if there was not something more in all that, having to do with some of the things I was told to repress because it’s good manners.

The path of adulthood that I seem to be on right now is one of reclaiming all that spring equinox, baby, seedling, daring, I MUST BE FIRST! energy.  And I understand it’s really Jupiter that is driving it.  Jupiter just finished a transit through Aries–burned through the sign really quickly 😦 but it has given me an impetus to do Aries things.  Wear red.  Eat spicy foods.  In fact a TCM student suggested I not eat cold foods during the winter because I’m experiencing a lung deficiency.  I’m delighting in ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg.  I need to be around fire sign people right now.  It’s not an energy I feel comfortable with, but I’m trusting that the warmth they give off will have their needed effects.

That Libra captainship of my mother through the rocky terrain of raising us kids certainly did mean well, but she somehow got it into her head that good manners meant annilhilating this part of her kids, and was really angry when her other son turned around and thumbed his nose at her.  And today I’m grateful for it, because I need to reclaim that little guy as I go forward.

So to all the Aries and fire-sign people out there, all those who have an activated 1st, 5th or 9th House, let’s talk.  I need to get warm in your presence, and I need to learn a few things.