jump to navigation

Coming Full Circle: 25th College Reunion June 23, 2011

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
add a comment

Over the last weekend, I attended the Dartmouth Class of 1986 25th Reunion, and I got a lot of unexpected benefit from just showing up.  It was an incredibly healing journey, and it has left me quite emotional.

Who would have expected that it would turn out to have been such a spiritual journey for me?  I had delightful conversations with people who were total strangers to me, and I just showed up as myself.  I didn’t have any agenda to prove–I only went with the intention of enjoying myself, and it went beyond my expectations.

I’m eager to share a lot about the reunion, but I feel like I need to hold the container a bit.  In talking with someone in my food fellowship, it became apparent that this could be a delicious story that I could translate into a screenplay form.  See, Dartmouth in the 80s was a really rough place for a gay boy or girl to be.  And I was dealing with the aftermath of my parents threatening to disown me “because they loved me.”  That had me looking over my shoulder, even as I kept constantly checking in my heart to see what the right thing to do was.

I knew deep down that coming out and being open about my sexual orientation was the way I had to go, for my own peace of mind and spiritual alignment.  I bore witness to my fellow GSAers at the time who were facing the shit of others’ projections and unrecognized demons.  It was a boon to have appeared at the reunion at the urging of one fellow 86 who had been one of the more visible lightning rods on the campus.  Fester suggested I go to it, and he must have had an inkling that it would have been a good thing for me.  I certainly was willing to just round-file the application, but something in me said “let’s try it, what the hell?”

For starters, it is a great thing to go to a reunion and have people I knew stop and look at me, and say to themselves “who is that? Oh!  Ohmigod he’s changed SO Much!”  I do look quite different from the chubby fellow I was back in the 80s.  Chubby, but still hotter than I realized I was, thanks to my “fat head.”  I was struck by how well many of my classmates had kept up their physiques, and how some did inevitably let themselves go–though I’m testament that that can change!

At the DGALA breakfast, Fester, his partner Mickey and I sat with a couple of younger alumni, including one woman from the class of 2001.  She told us that when she was at the school, her sexuality was a non-issue, she was able to go through her studies without incident and find welcome at the College, and by the way, she thanked us for having gone through the gantlet back then.

I discovered a fellow shaman in my class, who lives in Santa Fe and is a solitary.  I’m studying with a teacher, but I work pretty much solo in my community.  That was a total plus.

I got the chance to make an amends to someone I had perceived I had harmed, but in reality he saw the issue quite differently.  It was one of the most moving moments.

President Kim at the DGALA Breakfast informed us all that we had a place at the school if we wanted it.  And I’m finding that I do want it.  I have a couple of ideas to share with the folks in Hanover, should they have an interest.

I also decided to attempt to reconnect with Dartmouth Alumni involved with theater and film.  I will be assembling a list of people to inquire as to how I can get a couple of scripts to people who will seriously consider them.  I sent My Littleton Play to the Theater Department Chair, who I met years ago when he was the Literary Manager at the Denver Center.  And I’ve got one other person I need to find out how to contact, who is a powerful player in TV.

I have a lot of possibility, but I also have to say that the Reunion comes at an interesting time in my life.  For my funds are dwindling to nothing, and I see that we have an economic whirlwind forming around us all, and I wonder just how I’ll be able to take care of myself, how I’ll be able to work with others to take care of our communities.  For now, I am doing the things I need to be doing, and trusting it’s enough.

There are more things I wish I could share about, but they have to do with recovery stuff.  I maintain the mantle of confidentiality and anonymity ruthlessly.  People may know that I’m involved with the Steps and Traditions, that is my decision to disclose that.  But to me, it’s just one aspect of the bulwark of the spiritual way of life, and I am living in a place of constant joy.

I just have to shift my focus and there it is.  And Dartmouth strangely enough brought that forward, despite seeing some rather hard-set faces who reflect back judgments that who knows where they came from and what purpose they serve.  It all seemed rather puny and annoying actually.  I occasionally noticed one fellow who was a lead proponent of the “anti” side during those times.  He hovered close to his wife.  Oddly, I  never saw him really interact with too many other members of the class.  Now I put this tidbit in here with the proviso that I didn’t follow the fellow around.  Just that when I did notice him, he seemed to have a smaller existence and a bit of loneliness.  I could identify actually.  There were moments when I was sort of waiting for someone or was at a loss for who to interact with during the reunion.  Funny that I would see this former publisher of the Review just at those odd moments, no?

This reunion kindled in me the most surprising of all reactions in that I want to give service.  I guess it’s sort of a 9th Step amends for having kept myself away from the school all this time.  I thought that the place didn’t want anything to do with me. Come to find out they’re eager to embrace me with open arms.  I may not be able to give much in terms of finances, but I do have passion and attentiveness to burn.  I hope to find something agreeable to all parties concerned.



Status Report and a Meditation on Lips June 8, 2011

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
add a comment

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged, I realize.  Truth be told, I have not been all that inspired to sit down at the computer and start to type out what I’m thinking.  I’ve been busy writing a script, and I think I have a draft completed, all but the actual typing.  About 1/3 of it’s typed up, and then I’ll share it with some trusted others to work out what’s going to be next with it.  Tweaking, revision, etc., before launching the vessel out into the waves of development and possible production.  That will come when it comes.

I have also been involved in the crucible of wholeness creation, and that has been quite the sterling adventure.  I was exposed to an organization which is one of the many “Amways of consciousness” out there.  I won’t go too much into it, except to say that while I discovered some gems in the rough, the fact is the experience came into my life to push me to create and maintain boundaries around the Work of this God.  The experience of standing up to this organization and saying “I want my money back” and standing in the truth of that–I’ve never done that before.  It was HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE.

One of the things that arose for me too, after this workshop, was that I have a certain dynamic of codependence which plays out in a teacher-student relationship.  When I assume the role of the Student (notice the capital S), that means someone else is capital-T Teacher.  And actual study becomes irrelevant.  Rather than being a person involved in study with someone who is sharing information, I invest a certain amount of life force in what has become a toxic relationship.  Interestingly, it was after the workshop when I started to try to piece together what was going to be useful going forward, and perceiving that very little was going to work with the Work of This God, that the whole dynamic of the teacher-student toxin became visible.  I owe a debt of gratitude to the Witch Himself, the Witch I’m Becoming, who prompted me to probe deeper into the whole excavation of my student loan shame and burden.

Underneath that was an incident that has haunted me for many years, when an English professor in college basically told me that I couldn’t write.  That she wouldn’t work with me.  It was actually a blessing in disguise, for I wouldn’t want to work with her either, but to that 19 year-old undiagnosed codependent-addict that I was, devastation and shame rocked my world.  I didn’t believe her, but I believed her.  Something untoward and undiscovered got added into the mix, but looking at the truth of that, I could see that I have constantly set myself up to be disappointed again and again and again, and the student loan symbolizes the branding of doom upon this Consumer-Zombie Mask that I buried not too long ago.

It’s all a fog though.  And the fog-fugue of the Teacher-Student distraction codependent dance has been illuminated for good.  I will no longer be a Student, and no one will serve as Teacher to this Frostwolf anymore.  I work with a person who shares from ahead of me on the path, and I gratefully and willingly study what she points me toward.  I recognize she’s “someone who’s been there,” and who can give me pointers–it’s important to remain teachable, even as I refuse to recognize that role anymore, and anyone who would attempt to assume that role with me.

Henceforth, I recognize no one in that toxic role anymore.  It is an old tape and it has worn down to the nubbins, and like the air conditioner compressor belt that gave out in the car recently, it may smell like the engine is on fire, but is actually something small that can easily be replaced.

This is all about learning to trust my own magic ultimately.  I will magical experience and authority into my experience.  I trust my magic.  I work with the forces and the elements and the deities joyfully and with such devotion and gratitude.  I create beauty all around me.  This is the Work.

As part of that, I offer this strange and delightful meditation on lips.  This morning I had two dreams that both related to lips and kissing.  One was just that, and the other was a dream about lipstick.  So I was writing in my creative journal, trying to piece together what I needed to say, and that’s when I realized I need to blog today.  It’s frickin’ time already.

Lips serve many particular functions of course.  They are an integral aspect to the functions of breathing, eating, speakings, singing and sexual functions.  I can breathe through my mouth when I choose to part the lips and let air in–useful especially when I have a cold or some kind of blockage in the nasal cavities.

Regarding eating, I don’t have much observation except to say that my lips can moisten when I see something on a plate that arouses my tastebuds.  As far as I know, the lips don’t have taste receptors, but they can participate in the excitement of “Oh, butternut squash! Yea!”  There are certain sour foods too that can put my lips into the state of astringency, such as a lemon or certain sour-tasting herbs.  The sour and astringent tastes do have their effects on the lips.  I have an inclination that the bitter taste also has some sort of function as well, and spicy herbs such as cayenne and ginger can make the lips feel quite a lot of pain.  I also can remember the sense of occasional dryness in my lips when I exposed myself to sugar and flour.

Really, it occurs to me, that lips have certain commonalities with the skin, for they are but more sensitive regions of the skin.  I can sense dry and powder, and metal and cold, and hot and wood, and smooth and rough, etc.  The lips are sensitive to textures, which is of course an element of the sexual and sensual functions I enumerated at the beginning.  I can of course find the parts of a handsome man I want to get close to quite pleasing in the oral labia as it were.  [ 😀 ]  The smoothness and the ripples and the varying textures of the cock, the soft velvetiness of the scrotum, and smoothness of the gluteus maximus, and the echo pucker of the anus.  Hooray!  Bravo lips!

It’s intriguing to consider the speaking function most, however, as tempting and delightful as the sexual aspect is.  In going through all the sounds that I know of that our mouths can make, the lips form a creative function where the vowels are concerned.  It’s in vowels that the lips are most creative and essential.  I send the shape of the O to make the vowel sound in Show for example. And the same with the other vowel sounds and the umlauted vowels in German.  But the lips serve as necessary functions in the making of almost all the other consonant sounds.  I tried to make a guh sound with my lips tight.  Sounded like I was about to let out a sob.  Try it with a tuh sound, and I sound like I’m stifling a laugh.

The only sound that lips closed makes is of course the mm sound.  But there are 2 sounds that the lips don’t seem to have much of a function of save reducing volume.  I can make the nn sound and the ng sound, with lips closed or open. The n sound is a little muted and vibratory, and the ng sound is a bit quieter, but they override the mouth pretty much.  None of the other sounds do–they all require the lips to be parted for the most part, to form the sound.  If the lips aren’t open, they sound choked or stifled.

The plosives are always fun for the lips. PuVoBiFa. VaPiFoBu!  Try saying that a couple times fast.  The M of course vibrates the whole face, which frequently makes the AUM sound of meditation a bit of a drag.  But it’s so much fun to consider.

What observations  about lips do other people have?  It just occurred to me this was a rather interesting idea.

I hope one day to get back to my astrological stuff, and as I start to gather clients I will do so.  But I sense the nature of time is changing, and with it all the things based on time (such as money).  These are interesting times of no-time that create new opportunities for us all.