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A deeper death of a shallow part of myself December 9, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Civilization Anonymous, Cultural Janitorial Detail, Personal Journey.
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Not sure exactly where the title of this post is coming from, but I finished this amazing book which I will most likely blog on at frostwolfpines.  S. H. Buhner’s The Secret Teachings of Plants really rocked my world.  For me personally, this is a life-changing read.  Through this study of plants, I find this amazing gift that describes to me how I approach the writing of plays and why it’s been so difficult for me for the past 13 or so years while working in the vEmpire.

To be a playwright like the way I am a playwright I have to have a big wide open heart.  But it’s more than that.  The heart for a playwright is the seat of intelligence.  Really that is the way it is for all humans as the book makes explicitly clear.  The wisdom of the heart’s awarenesses and perceptions are our birthright.  But we are rewarded for the use (and abuse) of our intellects, our verbal/analytical skills.  That aspect of our human beings gives great support, but to supplant the heart with its “wisdom” is to err gravely and greatly.

I found myself having my breath caught up again and again as I read this, but today I read something that started a crying streak, and that was that as we show up to the work of meeting plants in the Mundus Imaginalis, as we show up to meet others with their diseases and conditions and to experience their diseased parts, we are ourselves changed and brought face to face with our shadows.

Now, I’m a really Plutonian sort of Pisces at root.  I understand that tsunami inside me that can rise up and sweep away all that’s in its path, and sometimes it comes up more to wash my own self-image into the abyss.  But Buhner said that one of the deaths we experience is that of our reductionist selves as we show up and allow Nature to shape our morality and our ability to be fresh as a child in our interactions with the more-than-human world.  And as I continue to go through the convalescence period of having left a corporate job and buried the corporate identity, as I acknowledge long-shunted away desires and longings after certain sorts of experiences with Nature and the use of my hands with natural products, I come to understand that I am slowly but methodically disassembling that part of me that has so relished and overutilized single-pointed focus.

This work inclines toward multi-pointed foci along many axes of dimensionality.  I listen now to pine trees, and pay attention to the vision of myself five years from now and make little discoveries.  Like that this fellow at 51 I see sitting by a river is sitting under poplar trees.  And that there is goldenrod nearby.  I hear the chirping of cardinals as well.  Hm.  It’s a sunny day in a delicious fall I can tell.  Fall, 2015 I guess. 

Yesterday, I felt a wave of despair crash over me.  I know that part of it has to do with the Holidays (and people should check out my “Happy Christmas Poem” on this blog for a good laugh and healthy ID with the sentiments of this longass work).  But I found myself really longing for death, and that I just wanted to end the suffering.  I now understand that the suffering I’m undergoing is that of bidding adieu to this aspect of myself, the vEmpire part of Richard. 

And to add to the feelings today I skimmed Carolyn Baker’s response to Rob Hopkins’ reaction to the critique of the Transition movement offered by one of the US’s leading lights of transition.  Wow, the world certainly swirls in surprise and awareness these days.  For me it’s another piquant and intriguing confirmation of the path I seek to discover for myself and for my peeps along the path of heart and soul through these times o’ tumult. 

I pray the way forward becomes clear, and that I have the strength, resiliency and buoyant cheer to be the attraction I seek.  Krom Kruach make it so! (krach mech ti bruach.)

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