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Say “Buh-bye” to approval seeking August 11, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Cultural Janitorial Detail, Personal Journey.

Ah, weh…  Over the past few months, I have found myself falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair, and I finally have a grasp on at least one strand of it.  Somehow over the past few months I’ve become a true slave to the vEmpire.  Or rather, I was aware that I wasn’t being myself and that this was causing me pain, but at the same time not feeling strong enough to do anything about it.  I turned into a seeker of approval in all areas of my life, and who the f*ck was I anyway? 

I have not been OK with a lot of things going on in my life, but pretended that they were anyway.  And consequently, if I even abandon myself in small ways, I abandon myself in much much larger ones as well.  I’m finding through keeping my numbers of how much I spend each day, that I am accruing power in a very subtle, but vibrating and reslience-building manner.  As I tot up the numbers and look at the hard data, I see that quite a bit of my overspending has to do with my codependency and approval-seeking issues.

I wrote in my 12-Step pages the other day that this behavior is rewarded in our society.  Bravo to the valedictorian of her 2010 graduating senior class of Coxsackie-Athens High, just 1-2 counties away from here, where she said that all she was being rewarded for as valedictorian was that she was the best slave of the lot.  I was so proud to be in the top 10 of my class, and for me it was a huge achievement.  I was one of only 2 in my class who went to Ivy League schools, and … well, whatever.  I got to Dartmouth and I swear, beyond the understanding that Dr. Bob Smith graduated in 1906, I still don’t really know what the frick I was doing there.  But other than getting into an Ivy League school, I didn’t have any other sort of plan for the rest of my life, and what nominal ones I had at high school graduation evaporated.

Still, that approval seeker, that needy nebbisch has always been alongside me, like a stoopid sidekick from a  Merrie Melodies Warner Bros. cartoon.  And I have recently begun to transform this energy into one of confidence.  I don’t know what I’m doing, but one thing is becoming brighter and more pronounced to me–that WYSIWYG applies not just to computers.  It applies to me.

And I have a voice, and a truth, and a playwriting blog.  Cerridwen’s Mountain has a rather prophetic play on it, for those of you who might want to see something that is unfolding in my life.  Just sayin’.  I wrote Doin’ Damage a few months ago–it was one of the 2 plays for which I was struggling to type the script.  I think I finished the play in Janurary or February–don’t remember.  Check it out.  I think it came out pretty well, all things considered.

Wonder if Barre’s story might become my own.  Oh, 9 of cups grant my wish!



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