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Rhythms of Depression and Grief July 7, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Cultural Janitorial Detail, Personal Journey.

Leaking like a seive–this image has been with me for quite some time.  My partner has noticed that I don’t seem to get satisfaction and joy out of things I used to.  It could be, as I’ve wondered, about changing on an internal level and that the things I used to do no longer fit me.  But I’ve noticed that much of what I do these days does leave me feeling listless and sad, and that I “can’t get filled up.”  I have this visual in my head of a container that has 7 holes in it that range in size.  The biggest one is at the top–which seems to fit because that would correspond with my head.

Since I have been dealing with grieving the loss of a parent, I have become aware of grief’s rhythm.  It is unpredictable and oceanic when it occurs, leaving a wake of numbness in its path.  The rhythm of depression is like a pulse that just sort of weakly throbs, as if the water were leaking out drip by drip.  But that “nickel & dime” process is just as effective as if someone just came along and smashed the container.

The nickel and dime process seems also to correspond to how I spend my life energy in the form of monetary expenses, actually.  I’ve started to pore over how I spend my money, having now dispensed with daily trips to the coffee place up the street.  I need to knock off the diet soda–the next thing that really needs to go.  Then really take a look at my grocery spending, which is the biggest non-debt-repayment expense I have.

Anyway, I just wanted to note that grief’s rhythm is spiky, while depression is legato and blippy.



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