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Grief and Blogging July 1, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Personal Journey.
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Well, my Dad did pass.  He was actually ex corpus when I posted my last.  On the Solstice 2010, Richard Charles Morell, Sr. entered immortality.  (7/4/1932 – 6/21/1932).

I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my father.  It got better as we got older, and I have come to understand why the man drank beyond the obvious reason that it made him feel good.  He had the same kind of ill fit with a corpseorate job that I do, and while he escaped through the Michelob et al., I don’t have that option.  I need to use the tools I have to get through situations, and largely it’s better that I have them.  Sometimes it’s a drag, but on the whole a sober, abstinent life is way better than the alternative.

He had the Alz for over a decade, and his decline was slow.  Dad actually didn’t pass from Alzheimer’s though, but he rec’d a terminal diagnosis of lung cancer and while he was transferred from the special nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients in New Rockford, N.D. to the Heartland Care Facility in Devils Lake, he contracted pneumonia.  The immune system was too compromised to shake it off.

There were quite a few miracles involved in my getting to Devils Lake for the funeral.  And Jody was amazing in his support and ability to make things happen travel wise.  I had to spring for the rental car, and that was manageable.  Even so, this was a bit of an economic strain, and I have a little bit o’ digging out to do. 

Anyway, since I got back, I have been feeling those damn feelings.  All day yesterday I just wanted to be dead, it hurt so bad.  It was such a surprise for me, especially since I’ve been grieving in a way for the loss of my Dad in the mental realm.  Quite different when you see the body lying in repose.  I burst into tears upon the sight.

And the tears were coming and coming all week long, punctuated by bursts of numbness.  I was glad I was there also because I clearly saw that had I moved to No.Dak., it would have been a burdensome prospect–perhaps even a colossal mistake.  Lucky for me, I met Jody and was put on a different path, but seeing how my Mom lives made me sad.  While it’s hard to watch her with her various ailments, the thing that was the most difficult was the incessant television.  Silence is an enemy in her home.  She always has to have something on, and her usual choices are TCM, DVDs of old movies, and (ick-for-days) Fox.  She surrounds herself with ghosts and I suppose this comforts her.  I found it all quite oppressive, and when I saw there were reruns of Project Runway, I tried to sit down and watch an episode with her. 

She didn’t get it.  Oh well…

I was also sad that Mom didn’t want me to mention that Jody and I are coupled in the obituary due to her fears of local homophobia.  I had to ask “how important is it” and let it go.  It will be a different issue once she passes, but I still had to sit with that sadness.  Jody was fine with it, but it still hurt me, to pretend my spouse is “in the future, if at all.”

Still, it was hard not to be moved by all the support I received, and it continues still.  I’ve joined a new fellowship of folks who’ve lost a parent.  A “fratrority” that will get bigger and bigger over time. 

And at some point, I will blog again.  I’ve not really felt like it, needless to say.  But I felt I needed at least to say something.

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