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Leaking energies May 19, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Civilization Anonymous, Personal Journey, Uncategorized.

Recently I became concerned about my memory, so much so that I went and had my memory tested.  Now, I’m “high-functioning” enough that if there is a memory shift, it’s conceivable that the tools used are too “gross” to catch the loss.  But still, I’ve had enough going on to be concerned.

Really there are a number of things going on.  One is the Keee-rayzzy-ness of the current time and planet upon which we live, made more so by ever-chaogenerative feedback loops that whip up more and more bizarre and fearsome events with each iteration of the spiral.  Eyjafallojukull and the GOM oil spill and the “look! Lindsey Lohan!” economic fiascoes unfolding all around us bewilder and confuse.  I’m not really confused, but that doesn’t mean I’m not affected.

When I say “I’m not really confused,” I mean to say that this is all of a piece with the general “Had enough yet, civilized humans?” energy that’s been building for ten millennia, since our forebears first learned to crush wheat into a delicate powder with a subtle addictive kick to it.  It might seem a bit unfair to blame all this on wheat flour, but I have my own history thereof to back me up on that.  Flour, combined with both sugar and various alcohols as well as certain drugs available in the natural pharmacopoeia, have all combined to make the whole species of humanity under the yoke of civilization quite crazy indeed.

Where I am confused is the way I need to work with the dying system as it goes out into the graveyard of bad governance ideas (which is redundant I realize), and figure out the way through it. My life is now intertwined with another, and I have his health and well-being to consider, and he is much more emotionally invested in all this than I am.  I have to be quite careful about what I say, which is actually a good thing because I have to be aware of how people react to the things I share from my observations of things.

How much of THAT is real, I don’t honestly know.  Some days I wonder if the Matrix isn’t manipulating me to play a certain part that is ultimately against my best interests.  Yet, I’m doing the legwork on that simply by getting on the bus each morning and getting off at State & Pearl to head into Miedo Miseria, LLP. 

I still have to find my way through it and “give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” as I understand that term to mean.  I am SO not of this vEmpire.  But it is the monster that looms above us all, and it demands to be fed like the monster Dragon in How to Train Your Dragon.  (Loved that film.) And I have had to find ways through, and still look for them knowing full well that if I were to pick up the vEmpire’s tools, I would become that which I despise.  That energy is just under the surface each time I read about some nutj0b like the Anti-gay minister with the rentboy in tow “to lift his luggage.”  wink-wink-nudge-nudge.

(noodge noodge.)

I had a couple of glimpses of clarity earlier today, relative to the GOM spill.  That I’m experiencing my own “gusher,” as it were.  And that gusher has to do with tolerating abuse because to go along I hazta git along.  I don’t think I’m going to be able to do that much longer.  The Work of this God is getting much more insistent, even if I don’t know what the hell it is yet.

But you know what?  I think somehow the space is being made, and I just have to trust.  Don’t know much more than that.  But there ya go.



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