jump to navigation

Playwrights’ Personalities April 13, 2010

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Personal Journey, Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , ,
trackback

This is an unfolding idea, but lately I’ve been noticing something of late for which I wasn’t able to connect the dots.  And today, feeling under the weather as I do, perhaps this is not something I can trust.  But I need to say that I’ve started to understand more the nature of who I am, and that I am in discordance of energy with playwrights in general.

I’ve long identified myself as “one of that tribe,” but it’s not been a comfortable identity.  While there are many playwrights whose work I love, admire, respect, I see that in terms of demeanor and identity, it’s really not me.  It hit me today when I realized that, while I’m glad to support playwrights, it has become a distraction on my path.  My path’s direction has been changing, and the dreams I’ve been having of late seem to be pointing me in very different directions.

The discordance of energy HURTS actually.  I will endure the whole process of directing a new play–mostly because there isn’t anyone else to do it.  But I see that I’m “phoning it in,” just going through the motions.  Not to say there aren’t exciting moments that come up, but… It’s taking energy rather than circulating it.

***

It is now a few weeks later, and regarding directing a play, I have made several realizations.  The most important?  Well.

I’m not a director.  Not really.

The thing about directing is that it’s 85% administration, and at woyklez, I’m administering 100% of the time.  Part of the reason I’ve had an increasingly hard time with directing over the years is because I need VARIETY!!!  And directing is just too much of the same thing.  I’ve made the decision not to direct while I still have some sort of clerical position.  Ickly-ickle-ick, Batman!

For some reason, my karma demanded I direct this play, and I know that a good part of the lesson was to really experience the discord of energies.  I feel this has pretty much kicked me out of directing for a long time–at least a year, perhaps more.  (Perhaps even indefinitely–too early to say.)  I don’t really “have what it takes” to be a director, I see.

As regards playwrights… Well, I think there is something to that, though I have to also say that Suzan-Lori Parks didn’t want to write plays in college, and it was James Baldwin’s urgings that led her toward her illustrious career there.  But she said “I don’t want to be one of those people who wear the funny hats.”  And I have to say, I can relate to that.  I hang out naturally with the people with the funny hats–if they’re pagans.  But theater people?  Uh…. Well?

If you’re a theater person, and you take umbrage about what I’m writing, rest assured I’m not judging anyone.  I’m taking stock of my own sensitivity to energies that have been becoming more and more sensitive and delicate over the years.  It has been getting to the point where I feel anxiety and discomfort when I am around certain types of individuals, and it’s no one’s fault.  It just is.  It’s like when you meet a person and realize you really like them, even though you see them being a shit to you or to someone else.  Or conversely, a person who is bending over backwards to be nice to you.  But it doesn’t change anything.  You just don’t like that person, case closed.

It’s like I’ve awakened to a way of being where I was enthralled in a false liking, and now as I get honest with myself and look within, I see something that completely shocks me, and others as well. 

I’ll be testing things out though.  Next week, I start to get back involved in open mics again.

***

One more continued thought on these topics.  It is now the next week after the show I directed has closed, and I will start with an Open Mic tomorrow night.  The portents all around us indicate that death is everywhere around us.  I personally like this and use the energy of dying rather constructively.  That being said, I’m not sure what I am going to see start to shoot up new from the decaying matter of all these ruins in and around this personality that I wear.  I am casting about for new things, new ideas, new activities.  Blacksmithing.  Beekeeping.  Candlemaking.  There’s something new inside me wishing to be born, and I must allow it to come into being, with some shaping energies on my part of course.

Advertisements

Comments»

No comments yet — be the first.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: