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The Big Ugly Four December 21, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Those would be Fear, Shame, Guilt and Self-Hatred.  Don’t know what it is about the winter that brings these four horsemen forward; guess it’s just that the light-lack lists me low, and I can see the dregs of my disturbances much more clearly.

Over the past few days, I’ve had some unfortunate occurrences around ze-munzel.  An insufficient funds embarassment, and a feeling of despondency and shame that is old–older than me, in fact.  On both sides of the family tree are difficulties with the material world, with trusting others and with being able to make one’s own nut.  In my 20s and 30s I had many instances of overdrafts and NSF fees/transactions.  It hasn’t happened in a long while, but having bought the house, I’ve been given a false sense of security that has led me to spend slightly beyond my means–enough to be embarassing.

I made an honest mistake, borne out of a lack of clarity about one element in my financial picture.  A monthly expense automatically deducted, that I thought was at the first of the month but turns out was later.  (And yes, I selected the date myself–d’oh!)  The thing about the money stuff is that it is so deeply entwined with the sense of shame and guilt I have from my upbringing, that it wells up and overtakes my sense of well-being. 

These are probably ultimately issues for D.A., and … ugh, yet another program?  There are other ways through.  Ultimately, I wish to spend below my means, which I was hoping to start doing like, now.  And my hand is being forced, though I think I’m going to get some flak for this need.  It’s not a desire–it’s really a NEED.

I’ve already set my New Year’s Intentions:  To majorly lower my debt, and to work on making my relationship as healthy as it possibly can be.  It means there are some things that will have to be turned over to God Hirself, however. 

It’s just got to be.  That’s all there is to it.

In the meantime, I’m grateful for what blessings I have–the house, my partner, my abstinence & sobriety, my perspective, my spiritual/magical practice.  And more.  So much.  So much.

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