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Slogging through my sludge December 8, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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So, I’m stepping back and evaluating whether this is all worth it.  I see that some people at their own blogs are inconsistent, and I understand how that reflects an energy at work.  Sometimes we get a brand new idea, and we have to check it out, and discover it’s more work than what we wish to put into it. 

Seeing my partner really get into his blog (mybiggayears.com) at first struck a chord of envy in me which I related in one of my most recent posts.  But perhaps it’s not so much envy as it is a sense of denial about my passions.  Certainly I have a hunger for self-expression, though I often wonder if it isn’t being beaten out of me.  It’s not easy to go through a desert of no recognition.  Often I feel like I’m Wile E. Coyote, forever seeking after the Roadrunner of Recognition. 

Still, the most satisfying experiences of my life have been ones where I haven’t put in a lot of effort.  I didn’t work all that hard at high school, for example.  It came easily to me, and I found it a joy.  I worked in a summer repertory company in college that was also extremely satisfying, and didn’t feel like work at all.  When I’ve been in the zone with my writing, time does fly… But then when I look at what I’ve written with the objectivity of distance?  Hmmm…  Even I can see it’s a lot of work to revisit, to return, to go back and repair or revise or start from scratch even.

Perhaps the best play I’ve written took me 20 years to write.  Though the second best only took 3 months.  The 20 year one created a lot of pain for me, and the second play also has–but only because I’m the only one who sees its beauty.  (Though M. I. Fornes commented about something she saw in the play back when I first started writing it, and gave me a comment or two that made me think.  I didn’t take the comments, but I felt vindicated on some level.)

Cerridwen and other guides have adamantly said I must continue writing, and right now I’m in a defiant and rebellious mood.  I even took my journal out of my bag for a couple of days.  Then I got sick.  I don’t think they were unrelated events.  I carry this junk with the spiral bind with me nonetheless.  More out of feeling burdened, alas.

(And btw, I’ve been hitting Update/Publish r/t Post Tags – Add, which is why this has been published and updated–hopefully only twice by the time I’m finished with this.)

So I pray guidance in this.  I think perhaps this is not my metier.  To be decided.

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