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Dad Blast It! Envy AGAIN! December 2, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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So this is a theme, I see.  A pattern of the recalcitrant Talker-self that feels left out of reality, yet again.

(“I got a rock.  I got another rock!  I got a rock again!” the Charlie Brown in me goes.)

My partner last night rattled off a list of things he’s proud of.  And I’m proud of him.  It’s all really great.

Really.

Great.

(I must not cast malocchio, I must not cast malocchio–I must look in the charm I created with Anaar at Feri Death Camp, clear this gunk.  Kala kala kala kala kala chameleon…)

The thing is, he’s proud of things I wish were going on for me.  And to top it all off, I had a sucky day at woyklez, with an EQ-deficient, compulsive workaholic, matrix-zealot, passive-aggressive, absentminded-but-don’t-think-things-aren’t-YOUR-fault-believin’, psychopathico, twit-headed, pre-Xmas-Grinch-hearted ossellybossel-boss, Bat man, bat man.

Anger much there, Frostwolf. AWOOOOOOOO!

Envy… really hurts me.  Something OOOOOOOOOOOOLD here.  I guess I have to dig a little to see how far this uckel:f:ucker goes.

He has 2,000 hits on his blog, and it’s only been 2 months.  And he’s only announced it to his friends.

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems.

Guess I should stop this whole thing.

I don’t know.

… crickets…

Link cross-posted to livejournal.

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Comments»

1. Sarah - December 2, 2009

Frostwolf sweetie, I see that you are really feeling unhappy about working in a dead-end job that doesn’t fuel your passion and doesn’t even pay you enough to make it worth your while! That totally sucks.

AND I want to know what you’re doing to change things. You are a mighty witch! You have infinity at your fingertips. You have a toolbox the size of a not-so-tiny former Soviet republic! If that job is not supporting your wholeness, what would be better?

Or to put it another way, what are you gaining from being unhappy? Why is it important to you to be unhappy? (This phrasing is a really good one for me when I can sneak it past ego-talker.)

p.s. FWIW, I feel envious when I am too afraid to grasp my own potential and opportunities and joy.

frostwolftfirerose - December 3, 2009

Had to think about your comment overnight. The question about “why is it important I feel unhappy?” sparked something in me. So I turned to the tarot for a bit more insight. I did a Celtic Cross, and I won’t go too much into it except to say that the advice of the cards was the 9 of Swords (in the tarot deck I use, it depicts 9 jagged, rusty daggers imprisoning a little bird, and two hands are trying to protect it but are also confining it ruthlessly at the same time), and the outcome was Art (Temperance).

Something about the image of the vulnerable bird and the awful, nasty blades added something to the mix, so I had to turn to the book for a little bit of guidance. The book suggests that I am locked inside a pattern that won’t go away until I confront certain fears. And so your question actually has triggered something deeper. I’ve been relentlessly guarding myself against rejection and pain.

“It’s too expensive to send things out.” “Why bother? I’m only going to get rejected anyway.” “The marketplace doesn’t support the kinds of exploration I undertake.” “No one wants to hear MY voice–who do I think I am?”

And underneath that: “I don’t know what I want. Am I a playwright really? Or am I a frustrated novelist?” (I have written two novels–they’re in my journals somewhere. And I’ve started another, though it has drifted off into … what, I don’t know.)

People say “you’ve got to have a thick skin.” I don’t know about that, personally. I can’t necessarily accept that–at least my fetch won’t. Andu’ (my fetch’s name, think accent on the u) has suffered quite a bit, and I have also speculated that logic-talker and emotion-talker both have somewhat sabotaged the process by becoming overeager for acclaim to the point where I’ve sent things out without really having finished them. I only have three real works that I feel truly stand on their own, and one other play that is close. But I don’t send them out. Because Andu’ is TERRRRRRRIFIED of being rejected yet again.

And it’s difficult to release the cultural conditioning (as well as my attachment to Jody and his own baggage) in order to pursue my craft. I’m doing the Artist’s Way again, and I’m encountering a lot of the same stoopid-‘MerKKKan crap that I’ve resisted but still bought into–ironically because I fought against it so hard. It got its claws into me and I’m knocking myself around because my talkers are disagreeing and Andu’ is quite adamant he doesn’t want to get hurt anymore. (Quite Phildickian.)

As to the job issue–well, you know in Harry Potter 6, he takes the Felix Felicis potion and goes to Hagrid’s hut? I’m getting something along those lines. Somehow it has to do with polyamory. It’s like, if I pursue that aspect of my Power Quest, something will emerge.

(So guess what I did a manifestation spell on today? ;))

I have this odd image of receiving some out-of-the-blue news “in my element,” if you will. Oh, the problem of clothes–tsk tsk!

2. Sarah - December 3, 2009

Nice work. I bet the cup would work on all of those things that you’re thinking as you choose not to send things out – especially the last one! For me, though, the key to dealing with this problem has been figuring out how to achieve a sense of my own value that isn’t about external validation. (Easy to say and hard to do; trust me, I know! I totally do not have one even most of the time, but I also do have one sometimes — which is a way of saying “it can be done!”)

About not knowing what you want: have you considered embracing the power of “and?” 🙂 Poly people joke that this is what poly is all about, but it’s not totally untrue, so maybe there’s a common thread here.

Also, poly=more super-intimate mirrors=more chances for your stuff to come up! Gentleness, ok?

3. frostwolftfirerose - December 3, 2009

Ah, yes, gentleness. So necessary.

In addition to transforming the fears of rejection and the feelings of inadequacy, I see that resilience, flexibility, courage and detachment are the ingredients for the other style of purification.

Reading your comment, it made me think of two things: I had this image of my intestines covered in a forest of polyps. Yuck! And then also last night I had this strange dream where I was in Denver on one of the main drags (E. Colfax, near the fabulous NewAge store Herbs & Arts), and saw Storm F. walking around, and he had a big ol’ pus packet on the back of his head. Covered the whole things from the neck to not quite the top of the skull. Don’t know why I flashed on that–the first one was obvious though.


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