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Addictions’ pernicious nature October 6, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Civilization Anonymous, Personal Journey.
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As an addict, I can turn anything around to not feel my fear, shame and guilt.  As well as the other feelings I might suppress like joy, love and devotion.  That last can get twisted around to become enslavement to and obsession with some activity, belief, behavior.

I must admit powerlessness and unmanageability about several things.  It’s really hard for me to say it:  The behavior of working at a job I hate coupled with the attendant addiction of trying to write smart-ass plays about the situation once gave me a delicious hit, and I have jonesed for these sorts of experiences.  I recenty created one.  And I started to write a play where the character named “Richard” went to the Albany Police Department and confessed to the murder of his boss, even as his boss was sitting at his desk eating his oatmeal for lunch.  The APD sent someone to the offices of the 2 co-workers and discovered the fellow alive and totally not threatened and totally surprised that Richard was even out of the office.  “How dare he!” the JD being of course more upset that the assistant was away from his desk than that he confessed to murderous rage. 

Anyway.  That whole thing?  Doesn’t work for me anymore.  I’m hiding from the truth of my situation, which is

I

Can’t

Take

This

Anymore.

And like that Devotchka song  goes “How long will this take? / How long must I wait? / My heart is sinking / What were we thinking/ I can’t fake it anymore.”

I am powerless over this situation, my life is totally fucke-e-e-d.

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