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Unconscious Biases October 5, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Personal Journey.
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We all have them.  We live in a misogynist, racist, homophobic, classist, and other -ist artificially created environment, and we take these toxins into us whether we know it or not.

Over the weekend, I was confronted about one unfortunate framing piece that I was working with that actually might be a part of my problem.  Just because some entity or person says they’re “of the light” doesn’t mean they’re not necessarily evil.  The Ice Queen of Nordic myth was seen as just a total scumbag after all, and white in many cultures is associated with death.

So as a counteraction to some of the hard things I’ve been going through of late, I’d been trying to envision my auric egg as a creamy white Obatala sort of yummy.  But inadvertently, I was relegating the negativity to the dark, which I don’t really believe.  But it was unconnscious, so there’s part of me that still holds on to that notion. 

Right now, I see that I”m going through an identity crisis of sorts.  I used to write plays from this place of anger, and truth be told, they weren’t very good.  The best plays I’ve written (My Littleton Play and Timberline) were written from a place of excitement and eagerness.  Joy, even.  The otehr stuff I’ve written comes from a less organic and more impulsive place. 

In my quest for wholeness, I feel that some things are falling away from me, and some of them were things that not only have I thought I wanted them, but I also held that they were parts of my being.  But then again, before I gave up the sugar and the flour, I thought I would always be a fat boy all my life.  Over the weekend, I looked at myself in a mirror, and realized:

I’M HOT!

So I need to acknowledge that things can and will get better, but that I need to accept that things aren’t working out so well now.  And I feel that life is hammering that message into place all right.

I need for my tools to acknowledge the light and the dark, the healthy and the sick, the male and the female, the multifarious sexualities out there, the energies of everything and everyone.  And not to judge one as better than the other.  I have negativity, but it isn’t always dark.  There is a horrific negativity that lives with “those in the Light” that judges the dark “to be bad.”  And our Fetch usually finds himself in that dark shadow. 

Poor fetch.  I love you so much.

Anyway, I feel that a grief energy has its hold over me, and some cravings after charges that I once had have pretty much showed me they’re just other addictions.  I am not getting the kind of juice I used to, and I don’t enjoy things as much as then. 

Just getting honest.  But this is the kind of honesty that hurts.  Because I’ve invested so much of my self in the false persona created.  And poof, it’s disappearing in large swathes at a time. 

Gee. Now what?

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