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Some days… August 17, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Personal Journey.
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I’m in the midst of an emotional hangover.  It’s tough too, because while other people mean well, really they’re impatient with their own suffering, and they don’t like it when I go through something that’s going to take time.  I don’t know how much time this envy thing will take, but one of the milestones is being able to make my 9th step amends with my colleague from those undergraduate days of intemperate self-obsession, and this envy thing is uncovering something far deeper along the way.  I was communicating this to my partner, and he seemed to get it.  Then at dinner he asked the innocent question, can’t you just honor their achievements?  And I came unglued a bit.  (Did he not listen to the discussion of the malocchio we got from the Grand Master?  I swear sometimes…)

I am currently needing to deal with a sticky situation, however.  I did see her play after all, and I have some insights and comments to share, but I don’t see how I can do that at the present.  Perhaps it will be deferred–I must avail myself of help to figure out my pathway through here. 

There’s an obstinate part of myself from the third grade me that insists I must be loved solely from my writing and creative and intellectual contributions.  It burns with such shame that I’m not published, that my plays languish in obscurity, in my messy office which is partly messy because of the emotional havoc it would cause me to go through all of these dramatic-written stillbirths that have just no juice left for me.  I don’t know–perhaps something will rekindle?  I’m scared to find out.

I really do see the value of being willing to be willing to burn all my scripts.  I see the freedom that could arise from having unburdened myself of all the past miscarriages of my creativity.  Are they miscarriages?  Doesn’t really matter–I’m not as yet being asked to ACTUALLY burn all my scripts.  Just to be willing to be willing to burn them.  And I think I can safely do at least that much. 

Today I got a new image of my pride point however.  The other day it was of a thunderstorm threatening a barn.  Today it was a genie materializing to offer me 3 wishes.  Wow.

I don’t know what to make of it, but there you have it.

On another note, I sat by the Hudson River, which seemed unusually roiled.  It was pretty in its own fashion, but it unsettled me, and it seemed to want to catch my attention.  A fish actually splashed water right in the place where my eyes fell, before I could really focus on the water itself.  It was most unnerving.  And then, to top it all off, a fellow with a harmonica passed, and he was trying to play (mostly successfully, though he was of slow pace) the song “Bad Moon Rising.”  It seemed, not to put a fine point on it,  a bit much.

Mahicanitauk asked me to pray for her, and for protection for the region.  May we all be blessed.

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