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Being of Service August 4, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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So many paradoxes around operating as a servant exist.  I remember as a kid, I experienced a rush of serotonin in my body when I did something as simple as hold a door open for an older fellow on his way out a church door.  And yet, simultaneously, I had an ego-stroking moment as well: “I am so virtuous.”  I’m sure that later that day I had a temper tantrum or found some pretext to annoy my siblings, or was resentful about some insignificant trifling action they took.

I like to try and find ways to be of service whereby no one knows but me.  I also like to go for tasks that no one really wants to do.  (There’s some odd joy to be found in cleaning toilets.)

I don’t know if this blogging thing is “doing service.”  I like to think so (and with the small number of people who visit my little bwog, I guess I am being of service as another vox clamantis in deserto).  But then I read a post on someone else’s blog about how so many of their own entries are “I” centered.  I will admit to having a strong ego–though “admit” is a funny word in this context, as if having a strong ego were some sort of peccadillo/misdemeanor/felony.  In working I.P. stuff, I am prodded to own my talents as an effort to right-size my accomplishments.  Honesty can showcase assets as well as liabilities, and humility isn’t about servility or scraping, as it says in the AA 12 & 12. 

Humility is about “Knowing myself in all my parts.”  As it says in the Flower Prayer.  Humility is just another word for right-sized pride.

My thoughts are my thoughts, and sometimes they help people.  Other times, people have to just smile, and say “Thank you for sharing.”  (Hate that, but it’s better than quite a few alternatives I can think of.)  Most often people either ignore me or pretend they didnt hear or they nod and move on.  I know from dismissal.

Must do kala on such vEmpiry.

See, like there just now.  I’m sharing an aspect of myself that is a bit off-the-mark.  I’m revealing my anger at being dismissed/ignored/cunted by someone else’s puerility.  And in the process of admitting my weakness, I see that it’s being transformed into an opportunity for blessing and detachment. 

Their dismissal/vampiry is nothing about me.  It’s their issue.  I will have hopefully learned my lesson around them in the future, and hopefully will not duplicate Charlie Brown with Lucy’s football cuntishness.

“Fool me once…”

Thinking about the blog entry I read earlier, it occurs to me that envy takes a number of different forms, and the blogger in question may not realize they have envy issues if they’re comparing themselves to someone else.  Rather than saying “This fellow approaches things differently,” the blogger chose to say “this person’s blog is better than mine.”  And, now that I’m typing this out, I see there’s a falsity there.  And a faulty sense of self, and a faulty comparison of an apple to a screwdriver.  Why go to a butcher shop for a haircut, as the Defenseless Creature asks at the end of her scene with the Banker in The Good Doctor.  And this got me angry?  Huh. 

One can fall off the beam in just seconds!

I’m starting my day over again.  Hope you do too!

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