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July doldrums July 7, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Personal Journey, Uncategorized.
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I haven’t felt like blogging much.  Part of it I think is that I would really rather just be joyously lounging around taking in the sunlight, or playing games if the weather is uncooperative.  Summerbrain holds me in thrall, alas.  And there’s nothing to be done.

I have also alternatively wondered, however, that perhaps I am being prepared for the next phase of our collective human journey.  That I am somehow being led via dolorous desires, to a life of slowness and steady increase r/t quick ascents and precipitous downfalls.  Just a Taurus-rising sort of thought, but one that has its appeal.

Growing up as a fat boy, I hated this time of year with a passion.  My compulsive eating had multiple effects, and summertime became the time when the ugliest and most disturbing elements of my life would come forward.  June signaled the end of the school year, and hence a 3 month dark purgatory where I would have to find ways to entertain myself as best I could.  There were activities, like swimming, I enjoyed.  I enjoyed playing board games and reading and of course, pedaling to the stores to get my substances–Twinkies and Hershey Bars and Starburst, et al. 

But.

I hated gardening, and my Dad would act all Overseer/Simon Legree on my brother, sister and I.  My Dad’s birthday is the 4th of July, and he would always get drunk that day–what day didn’t he?  And b/c of that inglorious connection, he would get nasty about my disdain for him, saying “If you don’t like me, you don’t like ‘Merkkka.”  For the longest time, I felt such a deep conflict about that.  Now, with Dad in an Alzheimer’s facility in NoDak and ‘Merkkah in Za Korporate-Kuntykunt-Krappah, I’m not sure that this is necessarily a bad thing. 

The neighbor kids in first Northglenn, and then Littleton, each had different sets of assets and liabilities.  I was quite a snob as a kid, and in retrospect I realize that Compulsive Eating gave me a boost in brain power but at the expense of my being a social kid.  I became reclusive and Mom and Dad would have to kick me out of the house to get my to “play” with others.  The C.E. part of myself always felt put out about it, and the other kids didn’t want to play with me either.  That was just the way it was.  September would come, and it was like I was back in the Garden of Eden, though one of being a lapdog for teachers’ accolades.  And yeah, I was rather servile in that regard, at least until high school.

And the loneliness!  Whoa.

Anyway, all these things come to my mind as I contemplate this Cancerian time.  For years I would go into a period of mourning in late June, for that was the day that the familial apocalpyse revealed that I was never on firm ground with the immediate blood relations known as “my family.”  Gay Pride weekend for me was an anniversary of mourning.  Today, I look at that as the beginning of my liberation into an independently constructed self, one that continues to take me in radical directions. 

Who is this flower above my head, indeed?

Anyway, I’m glad to finally blog about something today.  I can’t promise whether the summer will see me do much more than a periodic blog moment.  But we’ll see.

Just one last note:  My partner and I were in Rhinebeck over the weekend, and we were at this delightful diner.  (Apropos of nothing, we absolutely LOVE the Route 7 Diner on the Troy-Schenectady Road (Route 7, duh!)  due to the funny and attentive staff they have there.  I joked with our server that it seems that the wait staff needs to pass an entrance exam that includes some stand-up.)  Well.

I kept staring at this woman, thinking “she’s famous.  I know it. ” I was trying to identify who it was, but I couldn’t really see the person she was sitting with.  The owner and a waitress would gab with them for a bit– “Oh, yeah, he’s gay!  I’m sure she is too!” and so on. 

I found out later that we were sitting not 10 feet away from Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban.  Jody kept thinking that the fellow looked like Keith.  I wasn’t even aware of him, alas.  I might have recognized him had I been able to register him, but there were obstructions blocking my way of even seeing the bloke.

Coolness.

And a recommendation:  See The Lives of Others, the film that won the Oscar for best foreign film.  It’s really good.

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