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“I Vant to Be Alone.” April 16, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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… in death.

I wonder if death is solitary.  Or if its chaotic overpopulation? 

When we were but fetal tissue developing in the womb, for every cell in our body, at least 1,000 others were created and then destroyed.  Such is the AWEsome power of nature.  (AWEsome, as opposed to the mundane, “like, awesome, man!” Just so I’m clear.) 

I take a bipolar med.  Except for this time of year, when my insanity rises and hopefully peaks rather soon, I seem to be all right with it.  Though I see that one of my triggers is overwork and pressure.  Deadlines and all that c*ntnoise.  Days like today (and fittingly I drew the 10 of swords which depicts a man with 10 swords piercing his body), I feel particularly raw, like someone just ripped the shell off my softbody, as if I was a crab.  And didn’t have the courtesy to follow through and eat me, just leaving me to the elements.  Talk about vampires!

It’s also interesting that my tags here will reach 666 today.  (So I put 666 as one of my tags, perhaps it will be 666?)  And as I was walking back to work, thinking about mypotential future as a busted body at the foot of a building, I turned the corner and what should I see but a magickal FedEx truck for my witchy pleasure.  Lovely.

I see that part of what happens is that I see my partner doing well with things.  He’s working on a project and he just met someone with a recognizable name who gave him strokes, and he’s entwined with the vEmpire and profiting from the necronomy, and I guess I have some judgments about that.  Or perhaps anger and rage that I wasn’t/am not able/am proscribed from achieving anything of personal or true-communal value within the necronomy.  (“Would you like some death with your fries and subprime mortgage, sir?”)

I feel like I’m being sucked dry, that I’m turning into a husk.  Oh, if only a wind would come and blow it all away!  Whoosh! Gone with the vEmpire winds of change.  If only a cross-wind would come and batter the angel being blown backwards into the future by the storm of “progress” (courtesy of Walter Benjamin) so that the “progress” is stilled.  Or better yet, the angel is blown forward into revisitation of the wreckage and for much needed repairs.

Days like today, 10 of swords days like today, all I really want to do is cry.  I desperately need a mental health day.  I’m feeling a mite reckless right now, in keeping with this Martial month o’ Aries.  I saw a car on the street advertising skydiving.  Have to say I thought about stepping out of a plane without the parachute.  Or taking it along, but choosing not to pull the cord.  “Not with a bang, but a whoosh-splat!”

I seem to drip with anger today.  I dreamt someone was keeping me from my abstinent food.  She knew she was doing it, too.  I couldn’t tell if it was malicious or just mischievous.  But it hurt.  And then later in the same dream, I was going around the city trying to cobble together my abstinent meal and I counted on this one place having my protein.  And when I got there, they only had breads and pastries. 

I sense this is more than just waking up on the wrong side of the bed.  These times are bipolar, and I’m just mirroring that. 

My prayer:  vEmpire DIE!  necronomy DIE!  Visualize the collapse of the civilization imminent.  Put myself inside the vortex, the portal of that time.  Pull it toward me and make it now.  Star Goddess Make it So.!



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