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Another 3 Post Day: (1) “La Vidalia” Article March 18, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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I tried to post this yesterday and I don’t know what happened, but I’ll try this faux-Onion style article again:

“Lawmaker pens legislation to paint target on his own head.”

DATELINE: Necrogenic, North Califloricutt.  Assemblyman Doug Meenoose-Finkter (R-Vampire Hollow) submitted legislation entitled “The Meenoose-Finkter Back of Head Bullseye Act” ostensibly to call attention to the “need for red-and-blood Americans to bust a cap on his ASSemblyman’s Ass.”  Said the politician who suggested he was on unspecified SSRIs that “it’s high time that regular folks get the message that not only are we not  on their side–indeed we are paid not to be–that really all us politicians want is for some enterprising nutball to come and put us out of their misery.”

Contents of the bill include all sorts of draconian measures including constant monitoring of people’s bedrooms, mandatory ejaculate volume measurements upon male orgasm, requiring blood oaths to receive unemployment benefits (though signing over one of a person’s future offspring may suffice, provided the person is not gay, in which case they need to be turned over to the constituents in Meenoose-Finkter’s district for prompt decunting of their blood), and various other restrictions and requirements that would be perceived as just generally shitty to the common man.

Upon hearing of the proposal, Martin Schwartzwald of Boca del Lupo, representative of the Common North Califloricutters Association said he knew several everyday folks who would willingly pop a cap in Meenoose-Finkter’s crazy ass.  “I think it will be amusing to see how the  State Troopers try to go after people having sex to make sure they measure their juice.  If this nutcase wanted to stoke a revolution, he sure found a good way to do it.”

As this story went to press, Meenoose-Finkter held a press conference during which someone was going to paint the bullseye on his bald pate.

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