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“Collapsitarian” March 10, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Over on LATOC, I read a discussion of an article from somewhere else–John Robb’s site I guess, about the term “collapsitarian.”  There was a delineation of 6 different types, and, wouldn’t you know it, I’m an outlier.

My way into this understanding of reality is twisted.  It probably began way, way back to when I was merely an image of the Goddess eons before I was materialized, but as far as my conscious awareness goes, I can pinpoint the true beginning as when I realized I wasn’t a knee-jerk American.  I remember vividly some youthful moments, when I was 8 or 9 years old, and one of my neighbor cohorts would say something like “the East Germans are like today’s Nazis because they’re communist.”  Which, when I studied what the various isms were in junior high social studies, I realized was seriously misinformed.  But even when I was a kid, I really distrusted the notion of “good guys and bad guys.” 

(Probably some past-life bleed over where I participated deeply in that jehovahsatanic game, and decided it was a colossal waste of energy, sweat, effort, and lives.  But I digress.)

When I figured out I was gay, and then was rudely forced out of the closet by mi famiglia cosa nostra-religulosa, I discovered I was on the outside in a very real way.  And when I, as a fat kid, tried to find a way into the gay community and found coldness and indifference due to my looks, I discovered the notion of being a “meta-outsider.”

I dabbled in a lot of things during my twenties, having had a “postmodern” phase, then an apathetic phase.  Then I got into 12-step stuff in my early 30s, and found a new way to structure information coming in, which deepened as I delved more into the various fellowships, finally arriving at my food fellowship. 

Along the way though, I started to work at law firms and discovered just how thoroughly rotten is our culture (aka vEmpire, necronomy, cunture).    I have a bunch of short plays that I have assembled collectively into an anthology named after Brecht’s Fear & Misery of the Third Reich:  Scenes from the Master Race.  My collection is Fear & Misery, LLP: An Olio of Oiliness for these Unctuous Times

That particular experience really warped me and I felt thoroughly discouraged and devastated.  It was particularly difficult as the firm had an entertainment practice, and there I saw that even “art films” and the like were just more product.  I couldn’t have picked a more alienating place to be, and karmically I think that was the point.  In retrospect, I see that certain impulses I’ve acted on have been over the long term more or less destructive.  Interestingly they seem to correspond to my south node, in a 9th House Capricorn, which means in short, that should I seek to satisfy my ambitions via higher education or larger systems, then I will be sorely disappointed and feel like I’m wheel-spinning.  Paradoxically, the work at the law firms where I toil in obscurity is something to prize precisely because of the obscurity.  I get to witness the implosion from a boxed seat.

The thing about my sugar/flour abstinence though was that it put me so much more in touch with nature, that I got to another shelf of desperation about living in New York City.  The fat I used to wear buffeted me enough from the energies of that hugely unmanageable and powerlessness-reminding place, that I really couldn’t take it except in small doses.  Last fall I had the opportunity to visit the city, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  But in my short time there, I was quite sensitive to spiritual microclimates within blocks.  In Troy, where I live, its neighborhoods, with subtler shadings between say 4th Street between Liberty & Adams, or between Liberty and Ferry Streets.

The food leaving opened me up to the notion of collapse as an organic and mystical process, one that involves all the strains laid out in the article.  But again, I fall between the cracks.  I read the various ideas (“the Unabomber was Right”, the Greenies who feel its because of industrial corporatism, [I paraphrase], etc.) and while I have cross-empathies with the various groups, I can’t securely put myself in any one of them. 

I guess I’m what one might call, “an interstitial collapsitarian.”

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