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Isolation? Or Solitude? March 4, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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In my 12-step writing work, I’m exploring a story from the 3rd Edition of the AA Big Book (and I believe the 4th as well) about a fellow who’s agoraphobic.  The poor fellow pretty much shrank from the world, having difficulty with even walking around the block.

The questions have had to do with the ways that addiction makes one’s problems worse, but also that we addicts tend to be natural isolators.  I do actually enjoy my own company, and in fact I crave to  have a goodly time by myself at some point in the near future.  (Maybe August?)  But I’m also a person who can isolate like the best of them.  I’ve had hours go by where I’ve been isolated, engaged in scenarios, fantasies, metafingerpointing and other unhealthy behaviors.

This is a recent theme that has popped up in my life.  I’m going through reading Thorn Coyle’s new book Kissing the Limitless, and there’s a lot of talk about that still small voice we know to be God Herself.  I find myself a mite impatient with it, and I know enough about this to recognize it reflects an imbalance in my own being.  (Guh!)  Ironically, related to not having enough solitude, which in my case seems to need an initial bit of isolation to mellow out into a smooth plain of graceful solitary peace.

Before I started typing this entry, I sat at my desk and got quiet.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.  I’ve had a couple of ideas float in then out of my consciousness.  I need to write them down and carry them with me.  But I got quiet and thought about where I’m at.  For my tarot card of the day, I drew the Wheel, which I have lately taken to portend the need to pay attention to my surroundings. 

(And to my dreams.  I’ve had dreams about my backyard for some reason. Yesterday I dreamt that an alien feline got into my backyard, and my cat Samson went to attack it, but the cat hissed, snarled and expanded to 4x its size.  It stood up on its hind legs and turned into a bipedal robot and pointed at my cat and me and threatened him.  That got my dander up, and I was about to turn around and walk into the house when I saw a second alien-robot observing from the next yard.  I took it to mean, “stay out of the yard today.”  I usually go out back and say a couple of prayers in connection to the soil, and to the spirits of the land, neighborhood, city of Troy, region, etc.  I had another vaguely portentous dream this morning that pointed to a similar need to eschew my usual.  It’s odd, but there you go. Dreams being dreams…)

This post comes entirely from that place.  I am eager to open my awareness up as much as it can be opened.  The anesthetizing of my cubicle experience interferes, though.  One day I shall have a clear view and see into myself and into the beauty of others.  It is my prayer.

So mote it be!

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