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Honesty and Fear March 3, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Mystical.
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In my everyday life, I am aware that most people I know don’t want to have real conversations.  In reading Les Visible’s sites, I get a deeper sense of how fear really rules the roost, and I know that even my partner is chary of delving into the deep, murky/mucky waters I seem to need to dive into. 

I’m in the middle of Mark Borax’s book on 2012, and I must say his vision of where we’re going (and by extension, Ellias and Theanna Lonsdale’s) is similar to my own, at least thus far.  And it’s interesting about yesterday’s noticing of the patterns around Death-Transformation / North / White / Obatala.  On the bus today, I read a chapter which talked about dying before we die.  I’ve done this a couple of times I think, though I’m not sure I’ve completed that task as of yet.  Perhaps I’m about to enter into the deepest of deaths.  As I walked over to the break room a little earlier and heard Obatala say “I am walking with you always.” 

Last week the theme seemed to be impatience; this week it seems to be procrastination.  I spoke last night with my best friend, and we talked of mood swings and these uncertain times.  We mused that Karen Bishop spoke (finally!) about her own moments of crankiness and irritability, her own mood swings.  If I wasn’t taking my bipolar medication, I’m sure I’d be whipsawing between various moods.  (I have a feeling that, once things really unravel, I will reluctantly give the drug up, but after an initial period of discomfort followed by adjustment to whatever new realities are emerging, I will feel all right.)

One of the things Lonsdale says in Borax’s book is that the shamans and priests who are todays secretaries and custodians need to start to make ourselves known.  Gosh, I felt he was speaking directly to me.  I perceive that I’m seen as a weirdo, harmless but restrained.  And I think it’s important to practice restraint of pen and tongue, but I need to plant some seeds, and I’m afraid to because the seeds even have caliente in them.  They will be received as searing, at least that’s what I think.  I could be joyfully wrong about that though.  For all I know, people around me are thinking the same things and are also longing to speak with SOMEONE about what they perceive.

That doesn’t take away from the initial fear though.  I have another fear going on too, which is of closing out my 401-k.  I feel it’s an important and big step, for ultimately that act says “I’m placing a ‘put’ on our way of life.”  It’s saying I don’t believe that there will be a retirement for me.  And once I take the payout and have the taxes removed, it will seal the deal.  But the deal may already be sealed anyway, and I sense I need to act soon, or face the real possibility that the money will be vaporized in these bailouts.

I’m ambivalent about it though, because of the whole aspect of money as a fiery destroyer of life.  I told my best friend last night about the word “necronomy” as being a good epithet for the GDP.  It’s the operative area for the vEmpire after all, being that the GDP is not a measure of wealth or happiness, but of “death-puts.”  Or rather, profits from genocidal, ecocidal and culturally destructive and anesthetizing activity.  Unlike Bhutan with its happiness index, the GDP is really a measure of how grandly good we are at satanically destroying ourselves, our connections to one another, our bodies, and the world we inhabit.  It’s a measure of the progress toward unlivability and the Christofascist hardon for Armaddeon-style apocalypse.

Really, who couldn’t want to place a Put on that?  Who can blame me?

Anyway, I need Obatala’s coolness and Freyja’s boldness and Hades’ mystery and Diana’s quiet strength and fearlessness to stand in my own Godhood and express my truth as I see it.  God Herself, give me strength and serenity.  PLEASE!

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