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Forms of Self-Hate January 22, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Sometimes writing blog posts is tricky.  Every so often I have the temptation to throw up my hands and say “I’m worthless for reasons x, y and z! [and aa and ab and ac and…]”  Sometimes I will take a human aspect such as jealousy, and own my own.  There are people who relegate the ugly and disturbing inside their shadows, and here I come along and trot it out for everyone to look at, like a child brandishing his poo and saying “Look, look!  I made this!”

(Sidenote:  I have often thought about writing a post about the satisfaction that comes along with taking a really good dump!  I’m not saying I will, but perhaps some day…)

I’m working through my 4th step from The Gentle Path, and I get these questions about loneliness, sadness, loss, grief, anger.  Today’s was about self-hate.  The example it gave of self hate was something along the lines of “I don’t finish projects when I’m really close to completing them.”

How many plays have I started?  How many pieces of poetry, and other writings have I started but “lost interest?”  How many times have I sent in the first draft of a play, not even sure it’s good and hoping/trusting that someone would like to see it polished/improved?  (When I know that people prefer pieces that are much farther along than the first draft.)

I have hurt myself in many ways at various times in my life.  Every once in awhile, I will consider what it would be like to be dead, to not have to deal with the sufferings and pains I endure on a daily basis.  And I sing the praises of “death marvelous death!” much to the annoyance of Hades and Kali and all the other underworld deities.  “We’ll come and gets you when WE’RE good and ready, mmkay?”

Today, I really didn’t want to write any postings at all.  But MLK day was Monday and I feel the need to at least show up and put SOMETHING up each day.  While I don’t get a lotta-lot of traffic here, I’m hoping some people come by to see what this gay-witchpriest-playwright-in-recovery has to say about stuff.  I feel I haven’t posted a lot about the spirits of the region.  Other things do come up, and I notice and remark on these other things. Yet I hope that I can find some aspect of the Hudson-Mohawk Valley to write on.  As I did on Tuesday about my trip to Prospect Park.

Part of it is just the January blahs.  I want for there to be other things to do.  I want to be able to pursue what I want, rather than what people who pay me money decide.  Really I want the fire/FIRE economy to end so that the water economy can start to trickle in and take hold, sweep away the burnt-out wrecks and husks of the structures that no longer serve us.

Anyway, I’m sitting here looking at these words, and I’m starting to fall asleep.  (T.Hee!, not a good sign…)

I’ll just end by saying “I radiate blessings outward to everyone and every thing my spirit touches.”




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