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BWA – Blogging While Angry January 6, 2009

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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FWIW, it’s probably not a surprise, but I have a couple of posts I have saved in “draft” format that were the result of quite angry reactions to things or to some issues about which I have some vehemence.  Or that I suspect will cause others’ angry reactions which I’m just not ready to face right now.  After Prop H8 passed, I had a reaction entry that I have kept save filled with all sorts of vEmpiric c-word epithets.  (E.g., the Frostwolfese syllogism of”cunt” : “vampire” as “grunt” : “peon”.)  And I have another entry about the Untied Staes of America, which probably now wouldn’t be much of an issue, sad to say.  Not because people’s feelings have gone away, but just because people have better things on which to ponder.

And in these epagomenal days of early January, I am not really sure where I stand in relation to everything.  It’s interesting though that the theme of anger seems to have slowly simmered to a boil in my life of recent days.

In my 4th Step inventory using the Carnes “Gentle Path” book, I am up to the part about misuse and appropriate use of anger.  I finished the misuse, and my sponsor said he heard some positive expressions of anger.  It’s interesting to me that there are so many writers out there who seem to think that writing while angry is not so good.  Well, excuse me, but where in f*ckin’ hell is anger supposed to go?  It’s a natural and normal part of human experience.  There’s a lot of pathological fear of anger out there.

It’s interesting for me to understand just how angry I really am, and that I really don’t express even a tenth of it.  There are a lot of different kinds of anger, and some of them are useful.  The kinds of anger that give rise to energy, that wake a person out of a comatose state.  I remember one time that a director asked me point black about what I was doing moment to moment as a character I was playing.  I had a torpid response, but he turned and asked a fellow actor what he was doing, and the fellow listed I’m going here and talking to so-and-so, then I’m flirting with … and the director said to me “See, you’ve got to be that specific.”  I felt embarassed, but more so I felt enraged and I went on and did the best rehearsal that I had practiced up to that point. 

When I’ve gotten angry on behalf of myself, the results have been prodigious.  So much so, that I sometimes feel anguish that it seems to me I have to get angry sometimes in order to do ANYthing.  Guh fuggin buh!

The Theater company I’m president of  is going through a thorn-patch of inappropriate anger right now.  I won’t speak much about it, except to say there’s a goad, and there are the goaded, and then there are the other innocent bystanders who sit on the sidelines. 

I’ve been a sometime drop-in to Al-Anon meetings.  That fellowship has taught me certain things about how to handle conflict.  As the President of the theater company, I need to address this.  Using 12-Step principles of course, but still.  I’m thinking I really don’t need this.  Yet it’s a part of the process of living to deal with other people’s anger or hurt feelings.  No feeling is inappropriate or invalid, but there is a continuum of expression from destructive to outstandingly constructive that can be utilized.

For the most part, I don’t really react to situations from a place of anger.  I’ve been taught to internalize situations, and so the struggle usually is saying to myself, “this is not about me.”  I’m much better about doing that these days.  I’ve thus far not said a word, partly because I don’t want to cause more offense, but it’s gotten out of hand.  I need to say “cool it, now.  Get with Obatala and calm yourselves!”

This makes me think a little on the Gaza situation as it’s developing.  I read Eric Francis’ take on the astrology of the Palestinians and that of the Israelis, and he has basically said there’s an extremely pathological dynamic at work that is abuser-abused-enabler times a bazillion.  He describes himself as reflexively pro-Israel, as I was for many years.  Then as I started to just let my intuition unfold, I realized there was much more to this than meets the eye.  The demonization of Palestinians by pro-Israeli pod-people repulses me.  I see a carnivorous hunger for individuals with a victim self-concept to put forth venom onto a group of people with similar issues it seems.

On my way to work this morning I thought about Israel and Palestine as being a bit like Nissyen and Evnissyen from the Mabinogion.  Though they both think of themselves as Nissyen I’m sure, and the Evnissyen boiling rage is displaced onto the other side.  In truth both sides have their culpabilities, and both sides have their victimizations as well, as well as the maintenance of that sick and twisted system.  (Talk about needing Al-Anon on a region-wide basis! But it’s a program for those who want it, not for those who need it…)

I’m sure I will return to this topic at some point.  Hopefully this thorniness will cease soon.  I have other better things to do with my time, myself.

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Comments»

1. sandladyvb - January 7, 2009

IAre you the President of Al-Anon or your theater group? I appreciate your reference to how you use Al-Anon’s principles in working with the people in your theater group. However, your sentence about being the president is not clear. Please correct it so that people do not get the wrong impression about Al-Anon–that we have a President and that it is something related to theater groups.

I received your blog through Google Alerts. I am a long time member of Al-Anon and I found myself confused by your message. I know that you meant to show how invaluable Al-Anon is and that our principles are useful in almost any situation. But that isn’t the message I got about Al-Anon from reading your post.

Thanks for your consideration.

frostwolftfirerose - January 7, 2009

Thank you Sandy for catching that. BWA doesn’t always add up to clear speech!


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