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A pesky character defect December 10, 2008

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Doing 12 Step work brings up a lot of stuff.  And while most of the time it is something to keep confidential with the people to whom one chooses to self-disclose their deepest, darkest secrets (as it should be, as the process is uncomfortable in and of itself), there are some things where coming clean in front of others can actually create benefit all around.

This particular pesky character defect–or defense, rather, which is a much better word given what it is–happens to be insecurity that seems to constantly need reassurance.  This isn’t the same thing as vetting “downloaded” information or sensing that I’m being guided to take an action.  When those situatinns arise, where a deity or a being or a guide says for example, “don’t pay that bill!” I have to vet that.  No brainer.

What I’m talking of here though is where I feel an insecurity that compels me to try and manipulate others from a place of helplessness.  There are times that occur on any given day where I feel weak-willed and indecisive.  They seem to be happening more and more lately, probably because I have not been in regular contact with a sponsor and because my meeting attendance has been sporadic, along with the fact I’ve not been consistently exercising since I moved to Troy.

I have to ask myself an interesting question right now, given all the weirdness exerting itself in the world:  In the past, it’s been a healthy fear to take all precautions toward safeguarding one’s income/livelihood.  The question I have right now though has to do with the very notion of fear itself, for this particular fear has been occluding some possibilities for action I need to open myself up to, such as working out and finding more informal ways to participate in my various communities.

This line of thinking came about because I’m working through the 12 steps again using the P. Carnes book The Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, which is basicallly a 12-step workbook.  I’m up to Steps 2/3 and it asked a question that put the spiritual practice right up against the physical activity piece of a healthy existence, and I concluded that I have been able to address the structural problem of addressing the former by getting up earlier to do my altar work and my morning pages and my meditation, but I’ve not been able to address the need for exercise. 

For some reason, this has led me to question my fear about my economic situation.  One of the 2nd/3rd step questions actually has to do with the Promises, one of which is “Fear of people and of  economic insecurity will leave us.”  These promises are mentioned in the AA Big Book section on the 9th Step “Made direct amends to … people [we had harmed], except when to do so would injure them or others.”  I’ve had the experience of making some 9th step amends, and there are some faces that are bubbling forth who I need to make some amends to, but I also need to start to address this character defense in the process.

I will be doing something tonight to shore up some self-trust and that makes me feel good.  It will be interesting to do, and I’m excited/scared about it.  I won’t mention what it is right now, but I’m going to be up late I think.  Wev.

“What is the work and joy of this God? I would know myself in all my parts.”  Let this be my guide through these choppy insecure waters and let me make the choices that make my boots quake but that I know in my bone marrow are right.  I’ve done it before, and I’ll certainly do it again.

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