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The Pain of Being Broken Open November 26, 2008

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Mystical, Personal Journey.
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To continue on the theme of yesterday’s post, I talked with a good friend last night about my realization regarding listening to my inner voice, and the Creative Writing “Thang” and how, even though I still experience some feelings of outrage and discouragement and self-loathing as regards this shattering moment, I still wish to let it go as a means of cleansing myself kala.

The image of a tumor sort of came into my head.  Something that needs to be carefully and delicately finessed so that it comes loose without disturbing or hurting other healthy tissues.  Though I see that this experience is linked to other shattering moments, and it feels like it reaches WAAAAAAAAAY back into a moment that feels primordial.  In fact, I think that Lucinda–my inner little girl of my two-spirit Fetch with Andu–seems to be the guardian of that.  I get the sense she’s smiling and nodding her head–“Oh, about time you remembered me,” she’s saying.  And yes, she seems to acknowledge that as regards this element, I’m on the right track.

This particular shattering somehow feels a mite different than the coming out to my parents and their unconscious and reactive response (“We’ll disown you because we love you, oh we love you so much.” I mean… Huh????)  Yet it overlaps a bit too because both these events were experienced as assaults on my very self, but on two different facets.  And in remembering a therapy moment I had with my NYC therapist where I went back to the little boys I have been in the process of becoming, I think I can identify with confidence that whatever event took place, it happened between when I was 2 and 5, for when I was 2 I was an exuberant, playful and mischievous little bugger, but by the time I was five, I was shut down and in despair, compliant and docile as the CUNTryfolk in the vEmpire want us all to be.  My parents did their job and they did it well enough, and they got a little compulsive eater-alcoholic and emerging queer to pick on in the process.  Though that gave out in good time, thank Kali and Cerridwen! 

(and Hekate and Persephone and Hades and Ana and Arddhu and Hel and all the other death deities out there, Jehovahsatan excepted.)

I’ve had other shattering moments.  My first day of Kindergarten (age 6), the separation of my best friend (age 9), the coming out debacle (age 18), the Creative Writing fiasco (19), the big f’-up at my job at Reason-To-Drink (23), the realization that I was the only person who won NO honors in my graduating class at Now-You’ll-Under-earniversity (31), the dawn of understanding that I was working for Baal/Mammon at “Toxic & Toxic LLP” (33), and then Prop H8 (44). 

Some of these, perhaps all of them have resulted in (and will result in?) some opening awarenesses that could only be awakened to with the sorts of ruptures I experienced.  In some ways, they are like a few of my surrender moments, such as when I realized I needed Al-Anon, then AA, then CEAHOW and when I hit bottom with working at Toxic & Toxic and turned in my resignation without having a job to go to.  And those surrenders were all “I can’t do this anymore” events and they were a long time in the making.  I am in the process of surrendering my debt aspect, and I feel there’s a huge sort of collective surrender working its way up from the dirt upon which we walk there.

The coming out debacle was really the opening of my awareness that I am on the outside.  And then my ensuing encounters with a young gay men’s C-R group and the obligatory time spent in the bars revealed that I was an outsider among outsiders.  Something that I see as endemic to all shamanic/witchy persons like myself.  I have had other illuminating experiences that come in a flash, but I also have wisdom that develops in the “educational manner” William James describes in Varieties of the Religious Experience too.

The prompting that in taking in Ms. Mathis’ dismissal and over-emphasizing the cuntastic judgment involved as a denial of my inner voice somehow connects with an understanding that I have had to pay different prices for my White Wand.  I have embarked on the initiation path toward such without my explicit understanding, but in my evolving one.  I am seeing that it did have to happen, that the understanding (and my understandable resistance to that awareness) of how this fits into Divine Economy could only start to happen when I was ready to let it go.  Which is now.  After Prop H8 for some reason.  For it IS also connected to my sexuality as my meditation of the other day revealed.

Somehow I needed to be shown that my path was decidedly not through this vEmpire culture and its approvals and fawnings.  It’s all ultimately flavor-of-the-week anyway.  The creation of “classics” has gone underground to be sure.  Going the creative-writing class mode was not to be my way, and to some extent that was true too of my NYU experience as I rudely discovered sitting on a park bench a month after I graduated.  Then again when I started to get bipolar dark-depressed over the Student Loan Cunting my bank account undergoes each month.  (Though that’s gotten better as some of the pressure has been relieved in other quarters.)

My shatter moments are to be embraced though.  And I choose to again today.  I choose to allow the lesson to emerge, knowing that I still as yet don’t know, and hoping that it will lead to whatever that event was between ages 2 and 5.  I have felt the multidimensional Glorious Green Crystal Heart Plasma Source Creation Mystery in my heart chakra to be pregnant and about to birth something that will emerge as another delicious totem for . . . what I couldn’t say.  Still, I’m on the cusp of something amazingly glorious.

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