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Earth to Pisces September 18, 2008

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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OK.  It’s not really a big secret that sometimes I have a hard time being in the world.  I frequently wonder how much more I need to participate in my world, though truth be told, working 8:30 to 5:30 in an LLP never-neverland does short-circuit my awareness.  A lot.  And while some would question my calling it “never-neverland”, in terms of any real-world awareness more often than not, LLPs and LLCs and Corp.s and Inc.s are really not connected to the real.  They interfere with that connection, and I can’t help but feel that sometimes.

Owning up to my responsibilities seems to be the theme of my life right now, as it should be.  It really should be the theme of most denizens of western-civilization, but I think that only those with an inkling of where things are headed right now are really moving toward right responsibility.  I hesitate to include myself in that number, though I don’t own a car (I ride the bus to work each day, and when I used to live in Albany, I walked), and I belong to a CSA and I garden.  My landlord already did a home-energy audit, and I sense that for the most part I’m fairly well-positioned, at least in some ways.

But…

My partner is mad at me.  I’m not here to take his inventory–he has every right to be irritated with me.  I do fall off the beam.  And because of historical stuff that really isn’t about me, I immediately go to the “I am a bad person because he’s mad at me” place.  Which is a major lie.  But that’s what happened because when I was little, my mom and dad and siblings would attach hate to anger.  And I have learned that they are different, but my little kid doesn’t always know that.  So I have to comfort my little guy(s) and keep that out of the issue.  

So he feels like he’s taking care of two houses–his and mine.  And that’s understandable.  He does A LOT around my place.  And while I do appreciate it, a part of me feels he really is doing too much.  And while he probably feels I should be doing more, what’s going on with me is that I feel that I’m not writing enough.  I feel that I have a lot of time, but I don’t have a lot of time.  That I waste my energy on frou-frou that pays… something, when I really want to be cleaning my house, teaching from my vast stores of wisdom, barding/priestessing, working hard with others and in community and other things.  I want to be more a part of earthly existence.  I have blocks.  And I’m watching some of those blocks cascading in smoldering ruins around me, around us all.

Because he was frustrated with various aspects of his life at that moment, Jody blurted out that I spend a lot of time in trance and I need to spend more time on earth.  I won’t dispute that statement–it’s something I’ve known about myself for a long time.  And it’s not something I do automatically.  Maybe some people get all freaky that I don’t but they don’t have to spend time with me.  Jody likes it for the most part, but he gets frustrated because sometimes this earth-unearth pendulum swings out wide.  And he bursts that bubble and OK, it hurts but I get it.  I don’t take it personally, though I make kala on feeling embarassed and shamed.  That’s civilized (militant-ignorant cf. M.S. Peck) parenting to purify and cleanse. 

I must not lose the focus on what I need to do, what is the next right action.  The trancey stuff is for making it a luminous experience to be in the world.  The trances by themselves really don’t add up to much save for a delightful shiny feeling.  It’s the actions that they lead me to take in manifest reality that matter much more.  Last night I went into a minor trance because I felt something wasn’t right about going to an open mic to sing my body-percussion-music.  My guides (Iao and Obatala and the Green Crystal Heart) said, sure you can do that.  But you won’t be in the right frame of mind for it.  And it won’t add up to much right now.

And I also forgot I had an appointment tomorrow with my counselor.  So I have to miss something I was hoping to do–it’s too far away.  And Jody was irritated that I forgot about that too. 

And as I type these words, I feel a sadness that I don’t know what it means.  But there’s magick afoot, and I am a part of that.

“Earth to Pisces” is what I called this post.  It’s a common joke that people of my birthsign have a hard time being here.  I have my moments of that, but with Taurus rising and a Capricorn Midheaven, I also have some strong eartthly moments as well.  And sometimes I sense that as Pisces wants to Earth, sometimes Earth wants to Pisces as well.  Earth wants to go to heavenly realms that I as a Pisces frequently fall into without necessarily being aware of it.  Virgo wants to create Heaven on Earth.  But Pisces is responsible for the other direction, of bringing earth to heaven.  Though I’m not exactly sure what that means, as I struggle to show up to doing more around my house, as I make my own meals and try to do the things I need to do (and yes, it seems that with all that I do, I’m really avoiding doing my own writing save for the Taliesin book for which I write 3 pages each morning), I am aware of the divinity of each moment.  And I’m aware of the divinity of Jody’s annoyance with me.  And of the situation we all find ourselves in, and the attendant and unspoken worry that engulfs all of us in the hallucinated reality we find ourselves in.  (Talk about Pisces!)

So.  I offer my prayers.  May we, as these towers of babel fall around us, as these castles-in-the-air evaporate in the wind, turn to each other and ask “Are you all right?”  And then let us start to do the real Work we are all called to do, in the communities that choose us as we choose them.  In the name of the gods and goddesses, of Source of all that is, that I choose to call The Star Goddess.  So mote it be.

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