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The Porousness of My Experience August 5, 2008

Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.
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Every once in awhile I have an odd experience that overcomes me. I’ll never forget the one time I was meditating a few years back. It was a few days before Christmas in 2003 or 2004. I drifted off into someone else’s consciousness as that person put a gun in their mouth. I had the distinct feeling it was a woman and I sort of had an impression of what she looked like. I actually tasted the metal of the gun. I blurted out, “Whoa, WTF” and got out of there as quickly as I could. Hopefully the woman didn’t go through with it.

Well. Today’s experience wasn’t quite like that, but it was a mite freaky nonetheless. I was getting dressed, and thinking about an email from my landlord about the washer and dryer my Partner and I discovered over the weekend. There seems to be a beauteous and divine spirit watching over us in Troy. Nonetheless, as I was pondering the fact that my landlord had said we could put up a clothes-line in the yard, I was pointedly reminded of the complaint my previous landlord had received from a neighbor about the one I had hung in the little courtyard behind my apartment. Before I knew it, I found myself inside a “vwarptex” as I shall call it (warp+vortex) of rage and rebellion. I found myself thinking of passive-aggressive ways that I could drive my complaining neighbor over the edge. And that led to an imagined conflict with an Albany Policecunt Department enbadged offical and I imagined grabbing at his gun and shooting the complainant.

And then I started to wake up from this strange haze and went–wtf was that about? From where did this rage overtake me? Is it some residue from my past, or even a past life that was coming to the fore? Or was it the helpless rage that all of us swim in on a daily basis that somehow got lodged in my awareness for the brief time it took me to get dressed?

All that being said, I have to say I enjoyed the hot energy that coursed through me, in spite of the discomfort of helpless rage. I drew the Prince of Wands today, and I wonder if that doesn’t point to some of this energy in a way. Also I have been working the Iron Pentacle of late. That will probably uncover abuses of the various points–Sex, Pride, Self, Power, Passion. I have received abuse in all of those areas, much of it self-inflicted. In a way, it’s all self-inflicted.

Robert Sardello talks about the simple fact that none of us is immune to fear. Behind the mostly in-tandem joined anger and sadness lies fear and it has these surprising ways of wiggling itself into one’s awareness. I admit freely that I sometimes enjoy my fear, at least when it manifests itself as anger or rage. Be that as it may, I can’t stay in that place for very long anymore. I used to be able to hold that anger for awhile, and now I really don’t like it much. As I’m typing these words I feel it again, and there are times when I am surfing the web when I encounter it. I find myself frequently imitating the psychopathic concrete-heads into which nothing can enter because the rage and fear meters are set off the charts, and how frustrated they must feel that logic and reason totally escape them.

And they are frustrated that logic and compassion really aren’t on their side. Hate addicts are like that though. They really hate the fact that people really do believe that most people are basically good people in their core. Even the hate addicts themselves, though they are in the grips of something much larger than themselves, much larger than any of us.

Still, I take steps when I feel that energy enter into me to banish it outside of my body if the energy won’t allow itself to be transformed. It’s really not that hard–I have techniques to make my vehicle intolerable to “Teh Hatez” [sic]. I accept that people are in this disease’s clutches, and that there really isn’t anything I can do about it other than to remove myself from its presence.

And when it comes into me and I become aware of it, then I have a process through which I address it, mostly through talking myself through it until I feel the entity’s presence scrabbling to get a hold on me, but failing and falling away.

And then I return to my sunny and enjoyable self. Yay me!

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