In addition to transforming the fears of rejection and the feelings of inadequacy, I see that resilience, flexibility, courage and detachment are the ingredients for the other style of purification.

Reading your comment, it made me think of two things: I had this image of my intestines covered in a forest of polyps. Yuck! And then also last night I had this strange dream where I was in Denver on one of the main drags (E. Colfax, near the fabulous NewAge store Herbs & Arts), and saw Storm F. walking around, and he had a big ol’ pus packet on the back of his head. Covered the whole things from the neck to not quite the top of the skull. Don’t know why I flashed on that–the first one was obvious though.

About not knowing what you want: have you considered embracing the power of “and?” Poly people joke that this is what poly is all about, but it’s not totally untrue, so maybe there’s a common thread here.

Also, poly=more super-intimate mirrors=more chances for your stuff to come up! Gentleness, ok?

Something about the image of the vulnerable bird and the awful, nasty blades added something to the mix, so I had to turn to the book for a little bit of guidance. The book suggests that I am locked inside a pattern that won’t go away until I confront certain fears. And so your question actually has triggered something deeper. I’ve been relentlessly guarding myself against rejection and pain.

“It’s too expensive to send things out.” “Why bother? I’m only going to get rejected anyway.” “The marketplace doesn’t support the kinds of exploration I undertake.” “No one wants to hear MY voice–who do I think I am?”

And underneath that: “I don’t know what I want. Am I a playwright really? Or am I a frustrated novelist?” (I have written two novels–they’re in my journals somewhere. And I’ve started another, though it has drifted off into … what, I don’t know.)

People say “you’ve got to have a thick skin.” I don’t know about that, personally. I can’t necessarily accept that–at least my fetch won’t. Andu’ (my fetch’s name, think accent on the u) has suffered quite a bit, and I have also speculated that logic-talker and emotion-talker both have somewhat sabotaged the process by becoming overeager for acclaim to the point where I’ve sent things out without really having finished them. I only have three real works that I feel truly stand on their own, and one other play that is close. But I don’t send them out. Because Andu’ is TERRRRRRRIFIED of being rejected yet again.

And it’s difficult to release the cultural conditioning (as well as my attachment to Jody and his own baggage) in order to pursue my craft. I’m doing the Artist’s Way again, and I’m encountering a lot of the same stoopid-’MerKKKan crap that I’ve resisted but still bought into–ironically because I fought against it so hard. It got its claws into me and I’m knocking myself around because my talkers are disagreeing and Andu’ is quite adamant he doesn’t want to get hurt anymore. (Quite Phildickian.)

As to the job issue–well, you know in Harry Potter 6, he takes the Felix Felicis potion and goes to Hagrid’s hut? I’m getting something along those lines. Somehow it has to do with polyamory. It’s like, if I pursue that aspect of my Power Quest, something will emerge.

(So guess what I did a manifestation spell on today? )

I have this odd image of receiving some out-of-the-blue news “in my element,” if you will. Oh, the problem of clothes–tsk tsk!

AND I want to know what you’re doing to change things. You are a mighty witch! You have infinity at your fingertips. You have a toolbox the size of a not-so-tiny former Soviet republic! If that job is not supporting your wholeness, what would be better?

Or to put it another way, what are you gaining from being unhappy? Why is it important to you to be unhappy? (This phrasing is a really good one for me when I can sneak it past ego-talker.)

p.s. FWIW, I feel envious when I am too afraid to grasp my own potential and opportunities and joy.

I don’t get much into Qabalah these days. I appreciate its underpinnings and the intellectual aspects of it. Instead I’m moving into different directions meeting various entities that are very huge indeed. I’m sure Qabalah heads in the same directions, but because of its rather heterosexist biases I feel off-geturned.

Queer spirituality holds so many gifts. I must be part of that offering to the world.

This post is pretty old but let me know if you’re still thinking about it.

I very much agree that a lot of what’s going on in politics and culture these days is Qlipothic.