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Story In the Style of Russell Edson: The Things We Do For Art #1 December 4, 2009

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The Things We Do For Art #1

A snail wanted the Mudville Poetry magazine to publish her works. “I may be a slimy small thing,” she told the intake editor, “but I have the earthiest awareness possible.” The editor shook his head, saying that they couldn’t publish scratchings and slime-trails incomprehensible to the literate mind, no matter how artistic and earthy they might be. Our heroine was to be undaunted however, so she asked a friend to send “Her Scritchles” to the New Yorker, which took her submission, happily displaying it on a galley for her to come in and look at. She was invited out to dinner at Le Cirque, and when the cab pulled up to the alley entrance, the chef came out and personally escorted her himself into the kitchen. He bathed her in butter, and sautéed her slithy-tove form for the poetry editor’s wife, eager for yet another smack of escargot.

Drew the Ace of Swords Today December 4, 2009

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I have awareness of two tools I can use to cut open new pathways today.  Curiosity and light.

Inside my jealousy (which contains rage, terror, dread and shame), there is a breath of curious wonderment.  When I was near a year old, I was confronted with the advent of a new brother.  I’m the oldest, but for that first year, I was an only child.  It wasn’t completely blissful–I have a certain difficult story involving a very brief window of parental neglect–we’re talking 15 minutes or so, but that can be all it takes.  Still, for the most part I seemed fairly content to be the only child.  Then … he came along, and the bubble was burst.

In sifting through those moste anciente feelyngse, I discovered there was also a curiosity developing about this new situation, and how it would be.  I may not have liked the change, but it awakened me too.  And also inside the muck of terror and dread was the awareness of that strange sort of light that permeates all of our lives.  A dawning understanding of mana, perhaps.  I sensed little rainbow sparklies all around in this light.

So, now I can choose to see the curiosity of what my soul wants to experience next, what I’m curious about now given that jealousy, terror, dread, shame, fear, guilt, self-doubt, insecurity and all this other toxic sludge sometimes overwhelms me.  I can concentrate on that numinous under-light to guide me toward some right action.

I drew the ace of swords, but I was guided to draw two more cards for next right actions.  The 6 of swords and the Lovers (heterosexual, given that it’s Cosmic Tribe I use, and I keep all 3 variations in the deck) suggest I also send these curious lightbeams outward along Indra’s web of being to attract the fellows to me who mutually need to make connection, and also to make informed choices that take into account the things I already do well with the areas where I need a stretch.  And to add the implicit understanding that these will lead to my next right livelihood.

Dad Blast It! Envy AGAIN! December 2, 2009

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So this is a theme, I see.  A pattern of the recalcitrant Talker-self that feels left out of reality, yet again.

(“I got a rock.  I got another rock!  I got a rock again!” the Charlie Brown in me goes.)

My partner last night rattled off a list of things he’s proud of.  And I’m proud of him.  It’s all really great.

Really.

Great.

(I must not cast malocchio, I must not cast malocchio–I must look in the charm I created with Anaar at Feri Death Camp, clear this gunk.  Kala kala kala kala kala chameleon…)

The thing is, he’s proud of things I wish were going on for me.  And to top it all off, I had a sucky day at woyklez, with an EQ-deficient, compulsive workaholic, matrix-zealot, passive-aggressive, absentminded-but-don’t-think-things-aren’t-YOUR-fault-believin’, psychopathico, twit-headed, pre-Xmas-Grinch-hearted ossellybossel-boss, Bat man, bat man.

Anger much there, Frostwolf. AWOOOOOOOO!

Envy… really hurts me.  Something OOOOOOOOOOOOLD here.  I guess I have to dig a little to see how far this uckel:f:ucker goes.

He has 2,000 hits on his blog, and it’s only been 2 months.  And he’s only announced it to his friends.

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems.

Guess I should stop this whole thing.

I don’t know.

… crickets…

Link cross-posted to livejournal.

Denver Vacation Travel Journal December 1, 2009

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My partner and I were in Denver over the Turkey day holiday, visiting my family.  This was the first time I introduced Jody to my sister and her family and my brother.  On both ends of the journey, I had luggage problems.  My bag didn’t make it onto either connecting flight, the first time because the handlers put it on the later flight (we got on an earlier flight as standby) and the second, probably because we were late getting in to DIA.  So, the getting to and coming from were both difficult.  Also, the food issue on the return was fraught as well. Plopped down $50 for an abstinent meal.  Guh buh!

Still, Jody really loved Denver.  And I saw my hometown with his eyes.  He really didn’t know what to expect, and I rather proudly showed the city off to its best possibilities.  And the added plus?  Denver has at least 8 new-age/witchy type shops.  We started off with the one we thought was best (Herbs and Arts), and proceeded to see Quantum Alchemy, Spirit Ways and the grandmama of them all Isis.  (I remember Isis from when I lived in Denver, and it was HUMONGOUS back then.  It’s probably the most comprehensive of the lot, but J & I both liked Herbs & Arts’ atmosphere the best.)

On the first day, I showed Jody my high school digs and school.  That was fun.  I showed him St. Thomas More parish in what is now called Centennial, and he was amazed to see the Padre Restaurant right on the premises.  That struck him, as it does most people, as weird.  We tried to go to Spirit Wise on S. Broadway, but that didn’t work out.  Then we went to old-town Littleton, and discovered Penzey’s Spices there.  As well as a few other nice shops and the Town Hall Arts Center, which is rather impressive.  We drove around to look for a place to eat, and ended up at a Black Eyed Pea on S. Broadway, which J. assured me would have food I could eat.  I’ve found a new love!

An interesting synchronicity that led to something:  We were driving up South Broadway toward Denver in Englewood, and my alarm for calling one of my sponsors went off.  Just at that moment, Jody said “Oh, look there’s a Catholic store–let’s go in.”  So I pulled over and parked the car, originally to turn off the beeper, but then to go into the store Jody wanted to visit. 

This led us to exploring the nabe of downtown Englewood, which I had for many years taken for granted, but that Jody rightly recognized as an old-style gem.  Overlooked but still burnished in an old-style (c. 1960s) commercial strip.  The Catholic store was all right enough–except for the fact that the radio had on Fox(cunt) Radio (Kunt Limbaugh in this case), which ushered us out once we realized.  We went into Orris Trading Post down the street which was fabulous.  And we walked around a little bit more, and then drove off, ironically passing Isis without knowing it.  Englewood has some cool art works on the street, and there was a big ol’ structure that reminded one of grass leaves.  We were marveling at that, not registering that Isis was across the street.  Oddly enough, Isis is also around the corner from where my sister lives.

We visted Boulder the next day, and that was all right enough.  Boulder is just like Burlington, Vermont and Ithaca, New York–progressive college towns with tony shops.  The thing we were most impressed with was the drive out.  We took I-93 along the edge of the foothills–what a grand ride that was!  And we took it back part of the way, driving through a landscape mostly lit by the light of the partial moon.  I could feel the spirits of the Indians out there.  Wondrous.

We did take a wrong turn at one point, which worked out amazingly well.  We cruised down Old Wadsworth Blvd., right through the old-style commerce district of Arvada.  I’d never seen it before, but Jody was really excited to know about it.

Thanksgiving itself was really pleasant–not to mention 67 degrees.  We could have worn shorts if we wanted to, though it did get cool toward the evening.  We had a delightful time getting to know my sister’s family.  I taught some of the children how to play Hearts and that was lots of fun. My nephew Michael actually “Shot the Moon.”  We also watched the Bronco game, which was also fun for us because we engaged Michael along the way.  The whole family is into the Broncos, but not obnoxiously so like our father was.

J & I went to see Men Who Stare at Goats, which I liked better than he did, but realize it was actually a rather B+ sort of film.  Parts of it will stick with me though. 

And then Friday came, and it was time for us to go back to the Capital Region.  Before the trip, I had been told via one of the Guardians that my great-grandmother Morell wanted to speak to me.  She had told me that there is some property out there “in my name.”  I don’t know if that means her name or my birth name, but I told Jody about it, and we went on a sort of treasure hunt in downtown Denver on Wednesday.  It didn’t turn anything up, however.  We have more legwork to do on that, but during the course of this treasure hunt, we discovered that downtown Denver–as most downtown districts do–sapped a lot of energy out of us.  We got rather cranky rather fast.  Jody also thought the Denver Art Prison Museum was incoherent with its original “castle” structure and the new Liebeskind marvel that went with it. 

That night, when I was meditating, I asked Great-Grandma Jolene if she wanted an offering, and she said she like oranges, “and would like me to leave one on the first step of the house I grew up in,” which I was planning to visit on Friday before we left.  So we drove up Federal Boulevard from Evans, and at 38th Street, Jody spots “Yemaya Tax Service.”  Next to it was the Botanica Yemaya.  So we HAD to stop.

Sure enough, it was a delightful shop, rather large, and Maria the owner was very generous with her knowledge of lore and things to do with the Orisha.  We came out of there feeling mighty magickal indeed, and we proceeded to quickly whisk up to Northglenn where I set the oranges we bought for Jolene on the first step of the house I grew up in, and sped off to a restaurant near the airport.

I’m here back at woyklez, and I’m … well, I’m refreshed and invigorated at least.  Lots going on, but it was a really grand vacation, all in all.  Mighty glad we went.

Cross-posted at ordinarysacred (LiveJournal)

Gone Fishin’ November 20, 2009

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Or rather Turkey gobblin’ in Denver. 

Maybe I’ll oggely-bloggel-blog from my home town.  Maybe not.

Tschuesslein!

New awareness – “Spiritual Shock” November 19, 2009

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I’ve been feeling a mite unsettled of late, and it hit its peak at Samhain and in the 10 days-2 weeks ensuing.  That segment of Scorpio is actually quite sensitive for me.  It straddles my descendant (13 degrees) and my Neptune is at 18.  From about November 1st to about the 16th, when it squares my Saturn, it’s a bit painful at times.  There have been years when I’ve thoroughly enjoyed November.  But I got sober in November, and I discovered a major f-up at the worst job I ever had in November (on the day I was informed that a friend committed suicide, and a financial situation exploded at the same time).  So November in and of itself is a ping-pong sort of situation.

At first I thought I was in a state of grief.  But I realized on the bus today, as I was reading a book about “soul writing” called “Wrestling with Your Angels,” that I was actually in a state of shock. Spiritual shock. 

I guess it’s partly because of a certain spiritual quest I’m on, that is ferreting out the dead and the useless.  To some extent with the Saturn-Pluto square in the skies right now (in Libra and Capricorn respectively, near the World Points of 0 degrees Cardinal signs–Aries and Cancer being the other two), this is affecting everyone.  While it affects the cardinal signs most, right up there are those people like myself who have a sensitive at the cross-quarter points – 15 degrees Fixed Signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius).  It’s really a time to clear out the dead matter.  (So invite those death gods in and ask them to muncha-buncha-muncha-buncha!  Just kidding.  Kinda.)

I wrote about the dead perspective the other day.  And I do need to sit with the spirit of this D.P.  In fact I thought of blogging the dialogue onscreen, live and in person, but I probably won’t.  That feels wrong now, especially in the context of this “spiritual shock” that I feel.  It’s one of those things where I feel like I’m on the verge of tears, and it’s been hell, because I want to seek out an external outlet for blame.  But it’s not like that. 

The chrysalis is forming, and I need to convalesce, to be EXTREMELY gentle with myself during this Samhain-Imbolc window, perhaps even through Ostara and into Beltane, when the Sun will cross my ascendant again.  Last night, I was exhausted for some reason, and there wasn’t any that I could see.  I went to bed before 9.  Today, I have a different perspective, and I’m grateful.

Though I don’t really know what to do with this right now.

Alas.

 cross-posted to Livejournal – Ordinarysacred

Been out sick, then November 13, 2009

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I’ve been bizzzeee at woyklez.  Guh buh.

Will be trying a couple of experiments soon.  But in the meantime, let’s all pray the end of the vEmpire occurs gently – like a good death should.  Escort it into the good night of history, Cerridwen, Pluto, Hel, Kali.  It’s ready for your devouring.

And then I pray healing commences forthwith, whether or not the process hits global awareness.  It is, but it’s time to move out of the corpseorate structures, and into public nudity.

KaZAAA, inviting Nimue into our everyday experience.  (Tee.  Hee. Hee.)

Quick Insight November 9, 2009

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Over the weekend, I had a no duh! important insight wash over me.  It’s simply that I need to have projects get me through the days and the weeks.  Now that Jody and I own the building, we have projects galore.  And also because we have a new income stream coming in, we are a bit more freed up to pursue some of the other things we need to be doing.

On Saturday, we did a lot of stuff.  J’s been needing to rest up, but we still had to put ourselves in the way of setting things up for the right pieces to come into the situation and be aligned as far as making the apartment building the best it can be.  So we did quite a bit of shopping at various places, plus I also got some free windows together (from Historic Albany) for the cold frame garden I’m going to try my hand at, starting next weekend if all things work out.  And we stopped at Ada’s where I asked about an athame, and they’re going to get back to me on that.  And we raked leaves for the composting and met a neighborhood advocate/newsletter editor who asked about our building, whether we had found tenants.

Life was splendid and sparkly over the weekend.  I began Saturday with sending out the queries and CV’s too.  (I detach from the results, for this action was about sending a message to the multiverse to assist in the expeditious nature of my request for assistance.)

I really need to be grounded in actually doing things.  Activity helps to keep me grounded, and paradoxically in the spiritual.  All that we did over the weekend, even going and getting 14 buckets of manure (“yeah, that’s good shit man!”) was a spiritual endeavor.  The weekend was active prayer, and at the end of it we were rewarded with witnessing murders of crows flying around and sitting atop trees in neighboring yards.  There was some sort of magical protection and mantle being thrown over Little Italy, and I don’t quite understand it (though I suspect that a whole bunch of mysterious criss-crossing contrails of airplane exhaust overhead might have had something to do with it).  I looked up crow/raven today in Steven Farmer’s “Animal Spirit Guides” book, and it said it that when they show up there’s magic and mystery afoot, and a big change is a-coming.

Let’s see what that might be, mm-kay?

Cross-posted at LiveJournal – ordinarysacred

Taking actions November 6, 2009

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So.  I did take an action today–I’ve put together a bunch of letters and resumes to send to local schools and community colleges.  Only costs me the postage.  I’m going to go home and bless them with my intentions and some incense.  Then tomorrow I’ll deposit them in the mail.

I had wanted to withdraw money from my 401k to pay for the doom sonnets but Jody convinced me not to.  I feel really frustrated still.  I just want to die sometimes–because I’m a creative person who isn’t being creative right now, and it KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS me.

I may still do it.  But it bothers me that I’ve waited too long for this.  It won’t happen by christmas.  lest plaid bans…

Multiple Streams – VI(?) November 5, 2009

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1)  Over on Livejournal one can post one’s feelings.  That being said, I was sort of looking for dull-headed and lackadaisical as a couple of possibilities.  I did find alternatives thereto for those particular feelings, but no list can truly be exhaustive.  Besides, “mad, sad, glad, lonely, scared, contemplative” are probably the ones most necessary, though tired, bored, numb are also ones that people need to have around.

2) My last post on livejournal is about my 2009-10 Tarot card of the year.  The Princess/Page of Swords.  In the Cosmic Tribe, she’s the meditator.  I wonder what sorts of airborne messages I might be receiving this year…

3) Today I feel better than yesterday.  I did wake up feeling angry in a non-specific way.  These cunterenda like Prop h8 in Cali and Prop 1 in Maine(-lining jesus) exacerbate stuff that’s already going on.  Last year, I was meeting with death gods over an extended period of time – something I need to do again, actually.  Maybe tomorrow.  And I wasn’t in the best frame of reference. 

My anti-anxiety pills helped.  Today is the first time I’ve taken 2 in ONE DAY.  OMG!

4) Negative thinking is a damned difficult thing to combat sometimes.  I’m not sure it’s to be combatted as much as above-ge-risen sein.

Wanted to blog something today.  Feels like filler, but there you go.