Gone Fishin’ November 20, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.add a comment
Or rather Turkey gobblin’ in Denver.
Maybe I’ll oggely-bloggel-blog from my home town. Maybe not.
Tschuesslein!
New awareness – “Spiritual Shock” November 19, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: November, Pluto-Saturn square, spiritual shock
add a comment
I’ve been feeling a mite unsettled of late, and it hit its peak at Samhain and in the 10 days-2 weeks ensuing. That segment of Scorpio is actually quite sensitive for me. It straddles my descendant (13 degrees) and my Neptune is at 18. From about November 1st to about the 16th, when it squares my Saturn, it’s a bit painful at times. There have been years when I’ve thoroughly enjoyed November. But I got sober in November, and I discovered a major f-up at the worst job I ever had in November (on the day I was informed that a friend committed suicide, and a financial situation exploded at the same time). So November in and of itself is a ping-pong sort of situation.
At first I thought I was in a state of grief. But I realized on the bus today, as I was reading a book about “soul writing” called “Wrestling with Your Angels,” that I was actually in a state of shock. Spiritual shock.
I guess it’s partly because of a certain spiritual quest I’m on, that is ferreting out the dead and the useless. To some extent with the Saturn-Pluto square in the skies right now (in Libra and Capricorn respectively, near the World Points of 0 degrees Cardinal signs–Aries and Cancer being the other two), this is affecting everyone. While it affects the cardinal signs most, right up there are those people like myself who have a sensitive at the cross-quarter points – 15 degrees Fixed Signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius). It’s really a time to clear out the dead matter. (So invite those death gods in and ask them to muncha-buncha-muncha-buncha! Just kidding. Kinda.)
I wrote about the dead perspective the other day. And I do need to sit with the spirit of this D.P. In fact I thought of blogging the dialogue onscreen, live and in person, but I probably won’t. That feels wrong now, especially in the context of this “spiritual shock” that I feel. It’s one of those things where I feel like I’m on the verge of tears, and it’s been hell, because I want to seek out an external outlet for blame. But it’s not like that.
The chrysalis is forming, and I need to convalesce, to be EXTREMELY gentle with myself during this Samhain-Imbolc window, perhaps even through Ostara and into Beltane, when the Sun will cross my ascendant again. Last night, I was exhausted for some reason, and there wasn’t any that I could see. I went to bed before 9. Today, I have a different perspective, and I’m grateful.
Though I don’t really know what to do with this right now.
Alas.
cross-posted to Livejournal – Ordinarysacred
Sometimes, the Courage Not to Blog November 17, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Fiction.Tags: courage not to post
add a comment
The thing I have to say today is this:
I have nothing to say. I have no shame about that. I just feel like … there’s open space in my head, and it’s actually quite lovely thank you very much.
I have nothing to add to a conversation. “How about those Broncos?”
There are some things that I could probably post about. But nothing comes to minds, right now.
crickets…
Mystical Albany Symphony Orchestra Experience November 16, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Capital Region Notions, Mystical.Tags: Albany Symphony Orchestra, Artur Rubinstein, Athena, Brahms Second Symphony, Camille Saint-Saens, George Li, Medusa, mystical-musical epxeriences, Piano Concerto (Saint-Saens), Stacy Garrop
add a comment
Well, these things are never planned, but I had 3 different encounters while sitting in Seat AA-5 at the Palace Theater the other night.
1: “Becoming Medusa” by Stacy Garrop: I enjoyed the piece as a piece for the most part, but I became increasingly agitated through the whole thing because I could feel Athena’s mounting rage at the presumptuousness of the becoming Medusa, who elicited her wrath with the seduction of Poseidon in Athena’s temple. (The noive!!!) The percussion, the strings, the brass, the ominous nature of it all. My my my. I could feel the grey-eyed one’s vengeance emergent, and I was actually terrified. Ms. Garrop effectively channeled Pallas into the piece, and the devastation of Medusa who now was hideous and tormented. Quite effective, but it left me with a chilling sense of awe at the power of this Goddess.
2: “Piano Concerto” by Saint-Saens, as performed by George Li (age 14!). I was of course captivated by this young master’s performance, and he truly was a master of the piano at this fresh age. Li put his whole being into the piece, and oddly, I felt that Artur Rubinstein was in the house for some reason. Midway through the performance, I decided to check the program notes and discovered that CSS had actually written the piece for Rubinstein. I was wondering whether Master Li was A.R.’s reincarnation, or whether the piece is so Rubinstein’s, that he appears wherever it is played live.
3: “Symphony No. 2″ of Brahms. I found myself impatient through the first 2 movements. I felt something was being prepared in the 3rd, however. And with the fourth, I sensed that there was an opening forced onstage from one of the other worlds, and I felt a yellow seam appear, vertical in the middle of the air around where the conductor directed the orchestra from memory. A giant stag emerged, and said to me “Pay attention!” He proceeded to juggle 10 suns in his antlers – yes, they had limberness and dexterity, and then he threw them out into the audience which then was ablaze in a gorgeous yellow glow, and the Stag became surrounded in a bubble of that color, and then disappeared in a pop. Suddenly, each person in the audience had a stag right next to them, and each juggled ten suns of his own in his rack. But the stags wanted to merge with the various audience members. (I must confess I was only looking to my right, at the majority of the audience. I did not see if anyone to my left or immediately behind me was included in what transpired.) My stag merged with me all right, but the others were sitting next to their people, and they sort of “turned off.” Still, there were 7 or 8 people whose stags had melded with them, and I could sense they were around, sense that most of them were elders, but I think there was at least 1 other person who was not a senior (probably a child, I would imagine–there were several there). I did find myself drifting in awe for a few moments, but I remembered I was supposed to pay attention, and I felt a little sad for the people whose stags sat there inert. I felt they had all become like the background of the Crowley deck 7 of Disks – a sort of thicket of dullness in indigo tones. Various bright colors dotted the hall, though. I stayed yellow, but for some reason I could feel vivid green and red and orange. The Stag started to emit a red light out into the space, and then I felt the music shift toward “home-base.” The stags were all basically called back into the first Great Stag, and then as the music reached its final segment, I saw the stag bound back into the other world, and the seam close up behind him in a yellow blaze, and then disappear.
Wow, Johannes. Eat venison much?
cross posted at ordinarysacred at livejournal.
Been out sick, then November 13, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.add a comment
I’ve been bizzzeee at woyklez. Guh buh.
Will be trying a couple of experiments soon. But in the meantime, let’s all pray the end of the vEmpire occurs gently – like a good death should. Escort it into the good night of history, Cerridwen, Pluto, Hel, Kali. It’s ready for your devouring.
And then I pray healing commences forthwith, whether or not the process hits global awareness. It is, but it’s time to move out of the corpseorate structures, and into public nudity.
KaZAAA, inviting Nimue into our everyday experience. (Tee. Hee. Hee.)
Quick Insight November 9, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: crows, groundedness, household maintenance, ravens, spirituality, Steven Farmer, tasks
add a comment
Over the weekend, I had a no duh! important insight wash over me. It’s simply that I need to have projects get me through the days and the weeks. Now that Jody and I own the building, we have projects galore. And also because we have a new income stream coming in, we are a bit more freed up to pursue some of the other things we need to be doing.
On Saturday, we did a lot of stuff. J’s been needing to rest up, but we still had to put ourselves in the way of setting things up for the right pieces to come into the situation and be aligned as far as making the apartment building the best it can be. So we did quite a bit of shopping at various places, plus I also got some free windows together (from Historic Albany) for the cold frame garden I’m going to try my hand at, starting next weekend if all things work out. And we stopped at Ada’s where I asked about an athame, and they’re going to get back to me on that. And we raked leaves for the composting and met a neighborhood advocate/newsletter editor who asked about our building, whether we had found tenants.
Life was splendid and sparkly over the weekend. I began Saturday with sending out the queries and CV’s too. (I detach from the results, for this action was about sending a message to the multiverse to assist in the expeditious nature of my request for assistance.)
I really need to be grounded in actually doing things. Activity helps to keep me grounded, and paradoxically in the spiritual. All that we did over the weekend, even going and getting 14 buckets of manure (“yeah, that’s good shit man!”) was a spiritual endeavor. The weekend was active prayer, and at the end of it we were rewarded with witnessing murders of crows flying around and sitting atop trees in neighboring yards. There was some sort of magical protection and mantle being thrown over Little Italy, and I don’t quite understand it (though I suspect that a whole bunch of mysterious criss-crossing contrails of airplane exhaust overhead might have had something to do with it). I looked up crow/raven today in Steven Farmer’s “Animal Spirit Guides” book, and it said it that when they show up there’s magic and mystery afoot, and a big change is a-coming.
Let’s see what that might be, mm-kay?
Cross-posted at LiveJournal – ordinarysacred
Taking actions November 6, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.add a comment
So. I did take an action today–I’ve put together a bunch of letters and resumes to send to local schools and community colleges. Only costs me the postage. I’m going to go home and bless them with my intentions and some incense. Then tomorrow I’ll deposit them in the mail.
I had wanted to withdraw money from my 401k to pay for the doom sonnets but Jody convinced me not to. I feel really frustrated still. I just want to die sometimes–because I’m a creative person who isn’t being creative right now, and it KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS me.
I may still do it. But it bothers me that I’ve waited too long for this. It won’t happen by christmas. lest plaid bans…
Multiple Streams – VI(?) November 5, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.add a comment
1) Over on Livejournal one can post one’s feelings. That being said, I was sort of looking for dull-headed and lackadaisical as a couple of possibilities. I did find alternatives thereto for those particular feelings, but no list can truly be exhaustive. Besides, “mad, sad, glad, lonely, scared, contemplative” are probably the ones most necessary, though tired, bored, numb are also ones that people need to have around.
2) My last post on livejournal is about my 2009-10 Tarot card of the year. The Princess/Page of Swords. In the Cosmic Tribe, she’s the meditator. I wonder what sorts of airborne messages I might be receiving this year…
3) Today I feel better than yesterday. I did wake up feeling angry in a non-specific way. These cunterenda like Prop h8 in Cali and Prop 1 in Maine(-lining jesus) exacerbate stuff that’s already going on. Last year, I was meeting with death gods over an extended period of time – something I need to do again, actually. Maybe tomorrow. And I wasn’t in the best frame of reference.
My anti-anxiety pills helped. Today is the first time I’ve taken 2 in ONE DAY. OMG!
4) Negative thinking is a damned difficult thing to combat sometimes. I’m not sure it’s to be combatted as much as above-ge-risen sein.
Wanted to blog something today. Feels like filler, but there you go.
Being the caterpillar in the chrysalis and a birthday November 4, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.add a comment
On the drive home from the Samhain retreat over the weekend, I was in touch with simultaneous feelings of the most intense insecurity and an attention to the beauty of the surrounding countryside on the drive back to Troy along Route 2. What a gorgeous drive! There aren’t many better than that. My drives to Spirit Hollow and the Mad River Valley, both in Vermont, were spectacular, and this was in that category easily.
A bittersweet ride, however. The thing about being the caterpillar, being destroyed in the chrysalis to be reconfigured into the butterfly, is that I feel of-the-void right now. It’s not the moon that’s void of course, it’s me. And how could it not? To continue the metaphor a little, I’m a sum of grey goo being reconstituted in a new form.
And that feeling continues on. It’s a little less right now, but it’s still there. This … well, it almost feels like depression and grief. No, it IS depression and grief, at least in part. I’m saying good riddance to some things that just don’t work for me anymore.
“Fill me with the clarity so that I may know myself in all my parts. Fill me with the clarity so that which no longer serves me is dispelled.” Yeah, this is what a big ol’ dose of clarity feels like. Guess it’s the old “be careful what you wish for” sort of mishagoss.
It’s part and parcel of something else I’m working on, which I do earnestly want. I have come to understand the notion of “entry fees” as it were. I’m paying my dues along the way. Some things have to be broken away. I visualize the playwriting aspect as being a part of me that has gotten really bright, but the bloom is off the rose. It’s a bit like the effects of an addiction after it’s stopped working. Can’t get no kick out of it.
Not that I want a kick anymore. Still, I have been going to it for that, and I catch myself in certain behaviors that are stagnancy itself. Ironically, I laid out a tarot reading that suggested this is not the time for inaction. This is a time for … doing … OK??? Help me out here. Doing… what exactly?
As a side note, I realize I DON’T want to go off and sit on a mountaintop and contemplate my navel. I want to be involved. Somehow. Part of me thinks I just need to send a resume to the Goddess. Just address it “Star Goddess/Center and Circumference/Quark Particle to The Whole Earth and Outer Space and/or Faerieland.”
Perhaps this is a mite dramatic, but I wonder if this isn’t how the Fisher King felt. I’m functional, but it’s such a drag, such a pain to keep going on. When I ask myself “What makes my heart sing?” the first image I get is of a handsome granite tombstone with my name on it, sitting atop a hill in a forest, looking out over a beauteous valley.
I’m sure that I want beauty around me. I want to be in nature, au naturel. And I probably want community, though I’m not experiencing much of any of this right now.
What do I do when what I have is not what I want?
Oh, and I’m 9 years sober today. Huzzah.
Cross posted to ordinarysacred on livejournal
Maine’s Hate Proposition November 3, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: Maine Gay Marriage Election, political necronomy, UINOSA, voting discredited
add a comment
Just a random thought. While I do of course want the proposition to invalidate gay marriage in Maine to fail, I also see that if it were to pass, it thoroughly and completely reflects what I feel about the zero-sum political processes we sacralize in the UINOSA that get focused into the useless tool called “voting.” Sort of like what’s going on in the 23rd District controversy about the cuntservative kicking out the moderate, who stomped her little feet and turned around and endorsed the Democrat. This may sound perverse, but I’m grateful that the cuntservatives are doing their best to point out how f*cked up the political process of the matrix is. And how meaningless, yet destructive too.
The whole thing has been discredited by the 2000 Selection and then again by the 2004 Selection Part II, then by the very FACT of California’s Proposition H8. I can’t help it that I see through the sham of it all. I can’t get the hit on, and watching the ineffectual party “fight” the wingnuts, it’s all so thoroughly disheartening.
Some people might be shaking their heads and saying “I want my country back.” Instead what I want is to help this nation-state vEmpire/necronomy insanity die, to minister to it as a hospice worker, and to midwife the new ECO-nomy that utilizes permaculture/12 Step and ecological wisdom to nourish and sustain our very homes. To return the word to the earth realm, rather than having it be this abstract murderer that would enumerate everything into sterility.
The nutjobs can do damage – there are enough of them. But we ought not be too quick to demonize them wholesale. They are as much our projections as we are theirs. This is why the whole electoral process is ridiculous and ineffective to my observation. They are like the complexes that exist in my etheric body, and I look at these burdens and say to myself, “I need to look at you and transform you to something that doesn’t drag me down.”
I need to look at the raw energy these individuals have, the shameless chutzpah that comes out in Nimue-craziness really. All these Glenn Becks and Michelle Malkins are dysfunctional Nimues running amok. And we need to recognize the damage they can and are doing. Because they’re showing us something we don’t want to acknowledge, that the structures that we have built to buttress some false sense of superiority are crumbling all around us. And there’s not much we can do to stop it, but we can start to ask that realest, most difficult question:
“What do I want, and who do I want to share it with? Who is on my side? On whose sides am I on?” And it’s not a binary/polarized/dualistic thing necessarily. (It’s fractals. “NOOOOOOOO! He didn’t!” “Yes, I did. 
“)
Whatever happens in Maine, there is a bright side to it. And a dark side as well, because if “my side” wins, it still begs the question about how such a monstrosity could even be put on a ballot to begin with. There is something DEEEPLY wrong and crazy with putting other people’s rights and livelihoods up to a vote. How Matrix, and Dick Cheney of Maggie Gallagher and ilk.
I wrote on LATOC recently that it’s like these people are saying “Let’s all stand together to push people apart!” They’re the separation party, really. Not secession per se, which is more a regal way of saying, “I can’t fix this, let me out.” The separation party is “Are you with me, to be against myself in the form of ___________?” The separation party is the projection of their own self-hate party. It is the lower-case satan Party. Or rather the Jehovah party that is satan to itself in the form of others. That might seem confusing, but remember what I’ve said before: One can’t have a satan without being a satan. One can’t have an adversary without also being an adversary themselves. Again, this is an artificial and unsatisfying way to deal with conflicts. It was discredited at the beginning and it’s been diminishing returns ever since.
