Been out sick, then November 13, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.add a comment
I’ve been bizzzeee at woyklez. Guh buh.
Will be trying a couple of experiments soon. But in the meantime, let’s all pray the end of the vEmpire occurs gently – like a good death should. Escort it into the good night of history, Cerridwen, Pluto, Hel, Kali. It’s ready for your devouring.
And then I pray healing commences forthwith, whether or not the process hits global awareness. It is, but it’s time to move out of the corpseorate structures, and into public nudity.
KaZAAA, inviting Nimue into our everyday experience. (Tee. Hee. Hee.)
Quick Insight November 9, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: crows, groundedness, household maintenance, ravens, spirituality, Steven Farmer, tasks
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Over the weekend, I had a no duh! important insight wash over me. It’s simply that I need to have projects get me through the days and the weeks. Now that Jody and I own the building, we have projects galore. And also because we have a new income stream coming in, we are a bit more freed up to pursue some of the other things we need to be doing.
On Saturday, we did a lot of stuff. J’s been needing to rest up, but we still had to put ourselves in the way of setting things up for the right pieces to come into the situation and be aligned as far as making the apartment building the best it can be. So we did quite a bit of shopping at various places, plus I also got some free windows together (from Historic Albany) for the cold frame garden I’m going to try my hand at, starting next weekend if all things work out. And we stopped at Ada’s where I asked about an athame, and they’re going to get back to me on that. And we raked leaves for the composting and met a neighborhood advocate/newsletter editor who asked about our building, whether we had found tenants.
Life was splendid and sparkly over the weekend. I began Saturday with sending out the queries and CV’s too. (I detach from the results, for this action was about sending a message to the multiverse to assist in the expeditious nature of my request for assistance.)
I really need to be grounded in actually doing things. Activity helps to keep me grounded, and paradoxically in the spiritual. All that we did over the weekend, even going and getting 14 buckets of manure (“yeah, that’s good shit man!”) was a spiritual endeavor. The weekend was active prayer, and at the end of it we were rewarded with witnessing murders of crows flying around and sitting atop trees in neighboring yards. There was some sort of magical protection and mantle being thrown over Little Italy, and I don’t quite understand it (though I suspect that a whole bunch of mysterious criss-crossing contrails of airplane exhaust overhead might have had something to do with it). I looked up crow/raven today in Steven Farmer’s “Animal Spirit Guides” book, and it said it that when they show up there’s magic and mystery afoot, and a big change is a-coming.
Let’s see what that might be, mm-kay?
Cross-posted at LiveJournal – ordinarysacred
Taking actions November 6, 2009
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So. I did take an action today–I’ve put together a bunch of letters and resumes to send to local schools and community colleges. Only costs me the postage. I’m going to go home and bless them with my intentions and some incense. Then tomorrow I’ll deposit them in the mail.
I had wanted to withdraw money from my 401k to pay for the doom sonnets but Jody convinced me not to. I feel really frustrated still. I just want to die sometimes–because I’m a creative person who isn’t being creative right now, and it KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS me.
I may still do it. But it bothers me that I’ve waited too long for this. It won’t happen by christmas. lest plaid bans…
Multiple Streams – VI(?) November 5, 2009
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1) Over on Livejournal one can post one’s feelings. That being said, I was sort of looking for dull-headed and lackadaisical as a couple of possibilities. I did find alternatives thereto for those particular feelings, but no list can truly be exhaustive. Besides, “mad, sad, glad, lonely, scared, contemplative” are probably the ones most necessary, though tired, bored, numb are also ones that people need to have around.
2) My last post on livejournal is about my 2009-10 Tarot card of the year. The Princess/Page of Swords. In the Cosmic Tribe, she’s the meditator. I wonder what sorts of airborne messages I might be receiving this year…
3) Today I feel better than yesterday. I did wake up feeling angry in a non-specific way. These cunterenda like Prop h8 in Cali and Prop 1 in Maine(-lining jesus) exacerbate stuff that’s already going on. Last year, I was meeting with death gods over an extended period of time – something I need to do again, actually. Maybe tomorrow. And I wasn’t in the best frame of reference.
My anti-anxiety pills helped. Today is the first time I’ve taken 2 in ONE DAY. OMG!
4) Negative thinking is a damned difficult thing to combat sometimes. I’m not sure it’s to be combatted as much as above-ge-risen sein.
Wanted to blog something today. Feels like filler, but there you go.
Being the caterpillar in the chrysalis and a birthday November 4, 2009
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On the drive home from the Samhain retreat over the weekend, I was in touch with simultaneous feelings of the most intense insecurity and an attention to the beauty of the surrounding countryside on the drive back to Troy along Route 2. What a gorgeous drive! There aren’t many better than that. My drives to Spirit Hollow and the Mad River Valley, both in Vermont, were spectacular, and this was in that category easily.
A bittersweet ride, however. The thing about being the caterpillar, being destroyed in the chrysalis to be reconfigured into the butterfly, is that I feel of-the-void right now. It’s not the moon that’s void of course, it’s me. And how could it not? To continue the metaphor a little, I’m a sum of grey goo being reconstituted in a new form.
And that feeling continues on. It’s a little less right now, but it’s still there. This … well, it almost feels like depression and grief. No, it IS depression and grief, at least in part. I’m saying good riddance to some things that just don’t work for me anymore.
“Fill me with the clarity so that I may know myself in all my parts. Fill me with the clarity so that which no longer serves me is dispelled.” Yeah, this is what a big ol’ dose of clarity feels like. Guess it’s the old “be careful what you wish for” sort of mishagoss.
It’s part and parcel of something else I’m working on, which I do earnestly want. I have come to understand the notion of “entry fees” as it were. I’m paying my dues along the way. Some things have to be broken away. I visualize the playwriting aspect as being a part of me that has gotten really bright, but the bloom is off the rose. It’s a bit like the effects of an addiction after it’s stopped working. Can’t get no kick out of it.
Not that I want a kick anymore. Still, I have been going to it for that, and I catch myself in certain behaviors that are stagnancy itself. Ironically, I laid out a tarot reading that suggested this is not the time for inaction. This is a time for … doing … OK??? Help me out here. Doing… what exactly?
As a side note, I realize I DON’T want to go off and sit on a mountaintop and contemplate my navel. I want to be involved. Somehow. Part of me thinks I just need to send a resume to the Goddess. Just address it “Star Goddess/Center and Circumference/Quark Particle to The Whole Earth and Outer Space and/or Faerieland.”
Perhaps this is a mite dramatic, but I wonder if this isn’t how the Fisher King felt. I’m functional, but it’s such a drag, such a pain to keep going on. When I ask myself “What makes my heart sing?” the first image I get is of a handsome granite tombstone with my name on it, sitting atop a hill in a forest, looking out over a beauteous valley.
I’m sure that I want beauty around me. I want to be in nature, au naturel. And I probably want community, though I’m not experiencing much of any of this right now.
What do I do when what I have is not what I want?
Oh, and I’m 9 years sober today. Huzzah.
Cross posted to ordinarysacred on livejournal
Maine’s Hate Proposition November 3, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: Maine Gay Marriage Election, political necronomy, UINOSA, voting discredited
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Just a random thought. While I do of course want the proposition to invalidate gay marriage in Maine to fail, I also see that if it were to pass, it thoroughly and completely reflects what I feel about the zero-sum political processes we sacralize in the UINOSA that get focused into the useless tool called “voting.” Sort of like what’s going on in the 23rd District controversy about the cuntservative kicking out the moderate, who stomped her little feet and turned around and endorsed the Democrat. This may sound perverse, but I’m grateful that the cuntservatives are doing their best to point out how f*cked up the political process of the matrix is. And how meaningless, yet destructive too.
The whole thing has been discredited by the 2000 Selection and then again by the 2004 Selection Part II, then by the very FACT of California’s Proposition H8. I can’t help it that I see through the sham of it all. I can’t get the hit on, and watching the ineffectual party “fight” the wingnuts, it’s all so thoroughly disheartening.
Some people might be shaking their heads and saying “I want my country back.” Instead what I want is to help this nation-state vEmpire/necronomy insanity die, to minister to it as a hospice worker, and to midwife the new ECO-nomy that utilizes permaculture/12 Step and ecological wisdom to nourish and sustain our very homes. To return the word to the earth realm, rather than having it be this abstract murderer that would enumerate everything into sterility.
The nutjobs can do damage – there are enough of them. But we ought not be too quick to demonize them wholesale. They are as much our projections as we are theirs. This is why the whole electoral process is ridiculous and ineffective to my observation. They are like the complexes that exist in my etheric body, and I look at these burdens and say to myself, “I need to look at you and transform you to something that doesn’t drag me down.”
I need to look at the raw energy these individuals have, the shameless chutzpah that comes out in Nimue-craziness really. All these Glenn Becks and Michelle Malkins are dysfunctional Nimues running amok. And we need to recognize the damage they can and are doing. Because they’re showing us something we don’t want to acknowledge, that the structures that we have built to buttress some false sense of superiority are crumbling all around us. And there’s not much we can do to stop it, but we can start to ask that realest, most difficult question:
“What do I want, and who do I want to share it with? Who is on my side? On whose sides am I on?” And it’s not a binary/polarized/dualistic thing necessarily. (It’s fractals. “NOOOOOOOO! He didn’t!” “Yes, I did. 
“)
Whatever happens in Maine, there is a bright side to it. And a dark side as well, because if “my side” wins, it still begs the question about how such a monstrosity could even be put on a ballot to begin with. There is something DEEEPLY wrong and crazy with putting other people’s rights and livelihoods up to a vote. How Matrix, and Dick Cheney of Maggie Gallagher and ilk.
I wrote on LATOC recently that it’s like these people are saying “Let’s all stand together to push people apart!” They’re the separation party, really. Not secession per se, which is more a regal way of saying, “I can’t fix this, let me out.” The separation party is “Are you with me, to be against myself in the form of ___________?” The separation party is the projection of their own self-hate party. It is the lower-case satan Party. Or rather the Jehovah party that is satan to itself in the form of others. That might seem confusing, but remember what I’ve said before: One can’t have a satan without being a satan. One can’t have an adversary without also being an adversary themselves. Again, this is an artificial and unsatisfying way to deal with conflicts. It was discredited at the beginning and it’s been diminishing returns ever since.
Mayan Calendar Musings November 3, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: Galactic Wave, Hugh Mynne, insecurity, Mayan calendar, necronomy, personal pantheon, Star Goddess, The Faerie Way, the void, Universal Wave, vEmpire
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For those of you not familiar with the Mayan Calendar (and J. and I are constantly joking about it, because for awhile I was OBSESSED with same, and that behavior quite frankly needs to be made fun of), the predominant theory amongst Mayanologists seems to be that it maps shifts in consciousness. One researcher, Carl Johann Calleman, has been particularly prescient in describing its effects. He was pretty sure that the balance of power would shift to Asia over the last two years. In many ways, he is right on the money there, though we wouldn’t know it if we listened only to Chicken Noodle Nooze (CNN) and other au(dis)gust nooze outlets.
Mr. Calleman has posted on his website (which I accessed through mayanmajix.com’s articles section) what the next shift in consciousness portends. Right now we are in the “Galactic Wave.” Before that we were in the “Planetary Wave” and before that the “National Wave.” The previous waves keep going, but when we get to a 6th Night, it is the last segment of the wave. This wave began in 1998, and he ties it into the whole element of the Internet taking off. It certainly has flattened a lot of heirarchies, worked at so diligently through the National and Planetary waves. One of the other aspects about each wave is that it happens over a shorter and shorter period of time. The Galactic Wave began not too long ago, obviously, and the wave prior to that began around the end of World War II. The wave prior to that however, began quite a while ago. (For more information, Calleman and Barbara Hand Clow have a couple of recommendable books.)
In any case, the Galactic should finish the 6th Night next November. And then, for the year of Nov. 2010 – October 28, 2011, we will be in the “Universal Wave.” He says that we have no way of knowing what that will be, outside of an intuitive sense that “all will be OK, if we put our faith in Divine Hands.”
On a completely different website, thepowerpath.com, this month’s forecast talks about “accessing the void.” I have begun to think of the void, fractals, science and religion coming together in a genderf*ck orgasmic orgy across all sexualities as all profusions emanating from the womb of the Star Goddess herself. Power Path and Calleman and others stress the importance of medititation and just BE-ING.
It’s so interesting that both my partner and I are struggling with this, but from opposite ends of the spectrum. He needs to slow down and has a hard time. I WANT to slow down, but … frickin’ vEmpire/necronomic responsibilities suckin’ me dry …
That being said, Lakshmi seems to be pointing me toward some things, and today by the Hudson River, I had a little epiphany about something. I’ve been working across a distance with a certain celebrated musician-shaman, and I’ve not been sure whether this person even knows who the f’ I am. It doesn’t ultimately matter, though my fetch Andu’ would be really really happy-happy to find out it was real. Yet in reading Hugh Mynne’s The Faerie Way, it occurred to me that I might be working with his co-walker in the sidhe realm. Perhaps my co-walker speaks with him as well?
Over the past few days, btw, I got a little confused with my own pantheon’s daily God and Guide. For me it’s a White-Buffalo-Rhiannon/Sphinx day. But I got off-track over the weekend, and thought yesterday was a Kali/Otter day – it was actually a Kali/Phoenix day. And my Eagle guide felt a little left out, so I ended up having a pow-wow today with WBR, Eagle, Phoenix and Sphinx. And Ben F., Albus D. and Johnny C. showed up as well. Hmbah!
When I feel lonely, at least I have the gods and the guides. I wish that I had more people in my life. Well… I have a feeling they’ll be finding me. And at some point, I’ll be wanting/craving solitude. Enjoy it now, I guess.
Cross posted at ordinarysacred on livejournal.
My Writing Assignment: The Difficulty of Wearing Clothes October 29, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: glorious human body, magic, public nudity, skyclad
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Better get to it first.
I would like nothing better
than to see
laws against public nudity
be dispelled.
I shall light some candles of all colors to make it so.
The other day, I saw a story on the Internet about some crazy lady who decided to have a fellow arrested because he
drumroll
was naked in his OWN HOME!
The police barged down the door to his place as he was reputed to have said “have you never ducked past a window naked, just to get a cup of coffee?”
Insane!
For me, it’s not just free(est) expression here. I’m more powerful nude, and I know it. The elements know it, the trees know it. My partner knows it. Heck, everyone could know that I’m a really fresh and beauteous power in my own right, especially in my most glorious outfit.
The air we breathe.
Wearing the sun’s rays or, if cloudy, the grey of the sky.
I know, winter would be a drag naked, though some Finns seem to do all right with walking back home from a sauna session a mile away. Whatever the distance, that’s pretty hardy! I take cold comfort (ha ha!) that at some point in the near future, most people won’t really care what I’m wearing. They might care more if they see that I’m well-fed and not looking emaciated, however; if things go all Mad Max when the economy SHTF.
A fiery guardian gave me this writing assignment. In my home, I prefer to do my spiritual work without the distraction of garments. Sometimes it’s cold though. Even with the heat on, it can get chilly. But I do fantasize about leaving my door open, and taking the air like a modern-day Ben Franklin, just passing through downtown Troy.
Me, just me, without denim or khakis, without cotton-poly blends. Maybe wearing a pair of sandals because my feet aren’t really used to concrete and asphalt. But other than foot protection, just me.
Cross-posted at LiveJournal.
Middle Path October 29, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: gratitude, perspective clearing, self-indulgence, writing identity crisis
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It’s not easy going through a reconfiguration process. I’m on a quest right now to know myself and love myself in all my parts. And of course, I asked for this, I signed up for it, and I’m seeing that the first part of this is to acknowledge all those creepy-crawly things that I don’t want to about myself. Like that I can be a mewling, self-indulgent, needy git. I don’t mean to judge myself about this – some people are this way when they get sick. Me, I’m more the “let me go to the elephant graveyard and pass away in peace.” And when, for example, the car gets vandalized and my book bag is stolen, and then it returns to me (sans any money and anti-anxiety pills that were ensconced therein), I do come unglued, and it manifests in ways personal to moi.
But to be fair, I’m also going through an identity crisis. As a writer, I don’t know who the F I am anymore. So, yeah. It hurts.
Still, I also am sane enough to see I’ve got it good for the time being. That I’m actually doing quite well, and that for whatever reason, the Divine is smiling blessings upon me. This would be so, even if I were homeless, unemployed, starving and alone. But I wouldn’t be as attuned to it as I am at the present moment.
I strive to find the middle path. This is painful, but I have food, I have shelter, I have money, I have a life worth living. I do. It’s very easy to get caught up in the things that aren’t quite what I want. Remember gratitude, Frostwolf? Life is asking me to have patience.
So I had to kvetch a little the past couple of days. The car did get broken into. It does hurt. But I’m all right. And it spit out the way it did. J and I talked about it last night, and we both acknowledged our part in the situation. We cleared the air, and he suggested I do reiki. I did a bit. Not a lot, but I’m better today.
And I got an interesting writing assignment from a non-terrestrial source. I will make it the subject of the next entry.
Cross-posted at LiveJournal
Fear, Shame, Guilt Because I’m Having Difficulty Being Creative October 28, 2009
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Personal Journey.Tags: anger, cleansing, depression, fear, guilt, poetry, shame, writer's block
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Oh, yea, verily it comes upon me to do lots and lots of cleansing.
It’s hard to know when I can venture forth and say what’s on my mind sometimes. I am in a writer’s block or something. These times of aesthetic drought get me way way waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy downnnnnnnnnnnn. So, I wrote this poem about it:
This Poem Has a Nutritional Value of Zero
This poem will be empty. Why?
Well, I have only stale breadcrumb
ideas to offer. You know that dusty
can of okra in the corner of the corner
shop? You know, the one that gets
passed over? Even a can of spinach
or beets 2 years old is preferred. Like
this collection of lines in octet stanzas.
Why is it this poem holds no
nutritional value, a hearer or reader
might ask. Well, sigh. If only
I could say. I’ve no idea why Mojave
aridity should cause aesthetic
drought, other than that I stare
eight hours a day at an electric
enslavement device and churn bits
of value-free information, in cubicle
hell supplanting natural, fearsome beauty
outside the cityscape, suburb surrounds.
Earlier, I wrote angry manifestoes
Enragements against the Matrix workings
their insidious wormy ways inside us.
Yet trademarked quote-unquote life
exacts its anti-Mozart, Shakespeare-phobic toll.
Well. It could be worse. This could
have been a poem where I express
longing after Cerridwen’s lethal embrace.
a divine version of Dementor’s Kiss.
I could be praying for a lobotomy.
(Heh. Dispelled that death-death-death wraith
just last week. Shoo!) Too bad, this.
Emptiness as far as the heart can feel.
Love me! Feel my pain!
****
So I shared that with my partner. He got mad at me. “I don’t know what to do with that,” he said notably louder than our conversation previous. So I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel unloved. I feel hurt. I feel afraid. And that all leads to despair, resentment, rage, loneliness, alienation, and all those lovely things that need for cleansing.
It’s raining out. What I really want is to go outside. I’m not my own mistress where my time is concerned. Suck it up, right? Fantasize about someone coming around and slitting my throat while I sit here typing some goddamned brief.
Cross-posted on LiveJournal.
