Jitters… October 6, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Mystical.Tags: calm, Mercury retrograde, Obatala, Orishas, Tarot
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Not really sure why, but I woke up about an hour before my alarm this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. This, after doing a bath in honor of the Orisha Obatala, who is about running on a cool head and calm. I feel implicitly that this is a necessary aspect for myself and all the changes and transformations that are upon us. To be the eye in the hurricane, or to keep my head above the muddy water–both images I’ve seen in blogs and “wu-wu” websites around.
(Btw, the white clad “master of the head” was mighty chatty yesterday! And he has a specific aspect in mind for me, having to do with channeling sacred masculinity from my field as a gay man and witch working with both masculine and feminine energies. When I’m working with him and using, of all things, the Gay Tarot, powerful readings regarding this necessary energy come forward. I’m rather blown away, all in all, that Obatala wants me to become more of a man in the world, and perhaps even a warrior of some sort. “Warrior” being a word that makes me extremely uncomfortable.)
Posting this stream of thought puts me in touch with both my card of the day (prince of wands) and the Chariot, which seems to be one of my current foci along with the Star and the 10 of wands (my year card, which I hope to retire on Samhain). It helps to calm me, and to remember the smooth and sparkly nature inherent to each of us. There seems to be quite a bit of chaos manifesting every which way–par for the course for Mercury retrograde (but still!)–and I seem to require a calmness and some soothing of my jangled nerves.
I’m quite curious about whatever card will emerge tomorrow. What sort of reality awaits us over the next few days as the DJIA craters fast and furiously back to reality…
Nature in the Hands of a 6 Year-Old Girl October 3, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: children, nature, Nimue, poem
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I like to make it rain. Yea, rain! I like to feel the rain just glide off me, like I’m a slip-n’-slide on legs! I like to just slide all over the place. When it rains, I become the raindrops. All over my nekkid, nekkid, nekkid body! All of them, every single one! Hey, maybe if I make it rain alotta lotta lot, I’ll be sliding all over the world, yea! Oh, how I’d like to become a big old scary thunderstorm! I’ll boom up the thunder box and terrify all the doggles and kitties! Yeah! I’ll send down lightning because… Well because I can!
Hey, there you awful oak tree! How’s about I snap off a couple of your limbs because… I just don’t like ‘em! Make you look better without all that limbage. Yeah! I’d sweep away lots of buildings, right into the sea! Outta my way, Empire State Building! I hear the tallest building is in Malaysia? Well, we’ll see about that, Typhoon Nimue’s comin’! Poooshh-pkaw-POW! Yeah!!
I like the winds to blow too, I want the winds to carry me everywhere! Whoosh! I will fly through the air, a birdie! I’m a plane, I’m an eagle riding on the breeze—or maybe a wren. Maybe even a bat! Or just a little girl fie-fie-flying through the windy windy wind! Maybe I’ll be the big bad wolf and blow your house down! I like to watch things get busted, I do.
I like to build them back up, but the way I like them to be. Make ‘em all pretty with glitter and jewels. I like jewels, I’d like for houses to be built with shiny sparkly things in them. And then I like to bust ‘em down again, and build them back up, and bust ‘em down again. Make you eat mud pies, yum, yum, mother earth is tasty ain’t she?
And I like to set things on fire, too. Oooh! Volcanoes blowing are the best of the best. Only a Virgil sacrifice will make me happy. Not virgin, Virgil. I want to smoke me up some man meat! Rargh! I like lightning too. (Yeah, I already mentioned that, what are you gonna do about it, chum? I’ll fight you! I’ll take you on.)
And then you can serve me tea. Because I’m a princess, donchaknow! Princess Nimue Goldfist. That’s me!
Oh, a pony! Make me a black one? Pretty pleeeeeeeez! Mommy!?
(Sorry that this is in courier. At least that’s how it looks to me right now on my screen. Will it post that way? I assume it will, but I type creative pieces like the above in courier. The playwright in me.)
Coping with Denial October 3, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: denial
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I have to accept it. I’m in a different place than pretty much everyone I know. I’ve been accepting this, but it’s difficult at times. I need to be in relationship to people, and what that means to me is that I need to be in relationship to others’ denial of the situation.
When I started talking with my partner about peak oil, financial collapse of the vEmpire system and climate change all coming together in a perfect storm scenario–which does seem to be happening in spite of this denial–I was confronted with denial, and hostility. “Go live in a cave in the forest then!” was his frustrated response. He feels my depression is about looking at these things, and I have come to accept that I can’t convince him otherwise. I actually look forward to things becoming more joyous and immediate, more intimate and divinely ordered when the economy tanks, when perhaps a jubilee will have to be forced for us all in spite of the scrabbly clawings of TPTB, those Keystone Kops who call themselves “Illuminati” or WTF-ever.
Perhaps that is my castle-in-the-air. It is the deepest desire I seek to embody, it is the SPELL of this God as it were. But I feel that it’s only about our perceptions that make us think it always must be prison-time rather than “Yuletide every day” if you will. I remember once being in a 12-step meeting in a room that was decorated with multicolored lights. It was that way all year round, not just for the December holidays. And the moments of stillness and silence, the moments when I connect to the warmth and adoration I have for humanity in spite of the pathologies surrounding us–these inspire me, and I long for a more lengthy time spent in contemplation and mystery–not to escape from the world, but to get to a baseline for operating in whatever world it is that emerges around us.
My “depression” or more accurately anguish, is just about being in the hallway, this uncomfortable place of the Hanged Man. And the truth may be that the Chariot is what I have to embody, the eye of the hurricane as it moves across the land. That place of stillness amid activity. Some channels are saying as much, and the theme of silence has been operating more in my life.
Anyway, my coping with denial right now is about others’ choosing not to look and finding acceptance where I can. People don’t agree with me–it’s a free … well…? What can I say here? (Shrugging my shoulders and silently thinking “meh!”)
Radiate blessings and ask the Goddess and Mother Earth to connect me with others of like mind. At least I’m going to where it’s warm during Columbus Day weekend, though some ominous rumblings may or may not interfere with that. I just add my prayers in to ask the deities and guides to interfere for a bit more time. If it be thy will.
I will fashion myself as best I can to the curious realities emerging…
Death thoughts vs soul connection October 2, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: death, soul, connection, these troubled times
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In reading C. Myss’s Entering the Castle, where she starts getting into each of the rooms of the various mansions in the Interior Castle as mapped out by Teresa D’Avila, I got a hit today about something. That when I start to allow fear to operate in my head and in my heart, that I disconnect from my souls. Andu (my fetch), the talker and the God-self want me to stay in alignment with them, and to stay in connection, but sometimes I’ll read something on the Internet or overhear people talking about this, that or another thing, and I’ll feel “Oh, please just kill me. Please cause my death, someone, some thing, and now!”
And it’s in those moments that I feel a momentary loss of soul connection. Aware of this now, I realize I have a tool to bring me back, and that’s to say “What about my soul, again?” This has been something that has hung around me for a while, and I think that a part of it is that there are aspects of my personality that are “old” in the sense that they no longer work for me. Not just guilt, shame, fear, self-sabotage, poverty/scarcity consciousness, etc. But also character flaws such as procrastination and a sense of unjustified entitlement. Arrogance sometimes arises, often as a counteractive to shame. Neither represents a right frame for positive pride (humility) to enter.
This pertains to thoughts of my own death, mind you. There’s the whole notion of “take this cup from me” wherein I would forego whatever suffering might be in store, not only for me, but for quite a few of us. Thinking about others’ deaths is not the same thing. If I were to want others to die, that might qualify, even if it were in the context of thoughts on justice. I’m not sure what the just thing is to do with the windigos out there, on the rampage in our culture that is increasingly as fragile as fine china. Their bodies have been the repositories for their supremely selfish and destructive consciousness. But taking it out on those bodies hurts all of us, not just the miscreants. And there are those who would argue that attempting to destroy these entities who occupy these bodies is a continuation of these practices.
I don’t know what the answer is to that, though our ancestors had the simple and elegant solution when confronted by single cases of psychic vampiry and that was to push these people off a cliff if they got out of hand. Lions in the wild encounter this sometimes in their prides, and they will set upon a cat gone windigo and killing from the herd of gazelles simply because they like killing more than surviving.
Scott Peck’s notion that this is a medical problem may hold some water. But short of suspending their animation while we get science to find an antidote seems too far-fetched. Isolating these people or perhaps even putting them all in the same place in a big open room with all sorts of tools for offing each other might be the best option–let them use the disease to rid humanity of the problem? It’s an idea. It’s a conundrum.
I got off topic there, but the issue of the soul is a many faceted jewel, and it sparks all sorts of thoughts, many of them dark. Because the soul prefers the dark, the cool, the troublesome to the light, the hot, the simple and direct. (In my experience at least.)
So I have another way to remember a soul connection each day. All sorts of tools come my way. And m grateful.
Continued Observations October 2, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: Vermont, divination, Ducks, dreams, theater, Gathering Inn, therapy, nuns, Catherine of Siena, St. Clare, Jane Seymour, Sister Act
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The other day when I observed those ducks in the Hudson River, and mused about swimming against the tide, not to merely swim against it but also to pick up valuable goodies along the way resonates a bit deeper with me today. I am the president of the board of a local theater company, and as a playwright-director-actor (in that order), I have been wanting to be a part of a theater company that supports local playwrights. Our theater also operates under a “guild” format, which is to say that it is to foster people in their theatrical careers. It would seem to me an incomplete guild that did not offer incentives to playwrights to hone their craft.
So someone with an interest in our company stated his objections, and yesterday I was feeling a mite “torked out” by it. There are three decent writers on the board of this group, and we are all wanting to see our works be presented as part of a season of plays. I feel I have several plays that are good enough for that, and simple enough to produce as well. I need to be politic about my response, which I have thus far deferred. But I’ve also been musing about my participation in the arts at the moment. Actually, my participation in pretty much everything is under review, because I know that what this body-mind-soul-spirit needs most is an extended period of quiet.
I will hopefully be attending to that over Columbus Day weekend and going to the Gathering Inn for a couple of days. I’m eager to get up to Vermont again–I really feel there’s something there for me, and the curiosity drives me toward it. Also it feeds my fetch and my soul, and most likely this is being directed by my God-self as well as Gaia too.
And one other thing: Last night in my session with my therapist, I poked at that dream I posted about yesterday, where I was the nun careening around this sacristy, being chased by the Mother Superior, who I felt betrayed me, and some dark thug, though it was unclear just how “good” I was in the dream as I was sprinkling gasoline on the wood floors and confidently expecting that someone would be striking a match and setting the whole thing ablaze. There’s a lot more to this dream than meets the eye, and I remembered one other detail, that the Mother Superior looked like pictures I’ve seen of Catherine of Siena, but she was holding a gold candlestick-like object or chalice which reminded me of pictures of St. Clare. And the Catherine picture also reminded me of the actress Jane Seymour. The nun that was “me” in the dream (though all the characters in the dream are also me), reminded me of the mousy nun in Sister Act.
The thing too, about when I went into the Mother Superior’s quarters, I quick-changed back into my own persona, though now that I remember it more, I was the fat fellow that I used to be. I was an overweight dude standing in the bathroom, desperately wanting to answer nature’s call, when Kevin Spacey and friend arrived, and they sat on the couch facing away from me. I felt that they knew full well that I was there, and perhaps even knew I had to urinate.
Like I said, there’s a soulful mystery in this dream that ties in Nimue, the Teresa d’Avila material I’m reading, my cat (which was black and white), the cat I saw on the street yesterday that looked like Kitzel in the distance, and who knows what all else. It might also tie into the prayers of collapse that I’ve been sending out. For I’m “confident” about this as it all unfolds around me, and yes, I am scared about what next week in particular may bring. This weirdness has to escalate I guess. I don’t know why other than that addicts hit the bottoms that they require. And we have a whole range of addictions to contend with.
Sheesh.
Weird Energies October 1, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: bird divination, Hudson River, the number 7
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Today I feel like I’m a vessel of incompatible forces. I really don’t want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be, though sitting by the Hudson River would be a good thing. Yesterday I went to Riverfront Park, took off my shoes and socks and communed with the soil, the grass, the river and whatever other creatures would appear.
I saw a pair of ducks paddling their feet furiously against the upstream tide. (The Hudson is an estuary that flows both up and down, depending on the time of day.) The ducks knew to paddle against the stream because it brought them goodies. They made “progress” to the south, though I think their intent was solely to pick up food that came to them along the way. I noticed them both dip their beaks into the water. I took this as a sign for me to doggedly paddle against the tides of expectations and fears, but also to be alert for opportunities and “goodies” coming my way. And to seal the deal, as it were, after I put my socks and shoes back on and started back toward the office, I saw 7 Canadian geese fly from over this little hillock directly over my head and head north, against what I would expect if they were starting their migration. I’ve been noticing the number 7 a lot, a mystical number. 7 chakras, 7 mansions of the soul, 7 points on the God Star, 7 directions (N, E, S, W, above, below, center). The divination is from Goddess.
Still, I see that I really need to limit my Internet activity right now. The craziness emerges all around us, and as we start to really see what is with us, as we start to really understand the nature of darkness and light, and how the two interact in divine twinning, how the challenges presented to us as we strive to embody our best and brightest Selves in our Divinity, we also get to make choices along the way. We get a chance to find the opportunities amidst the difficulties. We get to create this ad hoc reality that becomes more and more unstable by the day. It’s wet, wild and wooly, and right now, it feels rather icksome to be honest. TTSP–this too shall pass.
An Al-Anon … Whatever - quick post September 29, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: Al-Anon moment, blogs, divination, Doreen Virtue, Goddess Cards, smokingmirror
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So last Friday, I decided to respond to a post that this fellow put up in response to my post at another blog. He chose to “call” me on using divinations–specifically the Goddess Cards of Doreen Virtue. And, well, I was at first inclined to let it go. To be honest, I just glanced over the comment and thought, feh! He’s a right to his own opinion. That’s cool, yada yada… Anyway, two other commenters came to my defense and I just thought, hm. Maybe this is an opportunity. So I went back and read his post, which wasn’t merely a mindless attack on me. But it was clearly an emotional response and one that muddled thinking. And so I thought, “aha! An opportunity presents itself!” And so I posted this long-ass response.
I was actually quite proud of what I wrote–it’s at smokingmirrors blog over on blogspot. And both my first and second posts were rather lengthy. While I affirmed this fellow’s right to his feelings, I did also have to make comment about what I perceive as an abdication of one’s own sacred authority. We can agree to disagree I think.
So, I checked into the site today–I don’t really get much of an opportunity to post on weekends, and I didn’t think about the Internet at all during that time. I was mildly disappointed to see that the fellow responded with basically a “choose ya” sort of retort–like “Oh, yeah, I’ll show YOU who’s boss.” Which I found sad because … well, I see I wasted my time. Sort of.
Maybe I didn’t, but it’s clear the fellow can only identify people as “for” or “Against.” And if someone says, “Well, have you considered–”, then you will be moved from for to against, assuming you were in the For category to begin with. My intention was to plant a seed. That’s been done. Time to move on. But even so, the temptation to continue it on was there. I can see where it would lead.
So, I’d have to say “Go with God” if that’s where you need to go, sir. But I go with God and Goddess my own way. Ache!
The Spirit of a Housewarming September 29, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: housewarming, party spirits
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It’s been a few months since I moved into my new apartment. I moved in on Memorial Day and it’s taken me pretty much until now to feel “moved in.” So I decided a couple of weeks ago to throw a housewarming potluck, to celebrate my good fortune at finding this delightful place.
It may seem obvious to those who have held housewarming parties, but it really does “make the home warm” to the occupant who’s been graced with the stewardship of this space. The place feels christened now. There was a delightful sparkliness to the place after everyone left. My partner met a few of the people who I’ve referred to by name, and he liked them immensely. And I was gratified that people from three areas of my life could come. As of yet, I don’t really have any pagan fellow travelers with whom I can connect in this area. Hopefully that will change, but it was good enough to have people from my various 12-step programs and the theater come by and celebrate this delightful space.
There weren’t that many people, but I didn’t really need to have a lotta-lotta people stop by. It was perfect the way it was, and the spirits of the people who came by added just what was needed to Gunder’s and my space. Even though I’m still sad from the loss of my Kitzel-bitz, I am really glad I had this party. It was really simple–I made it a potluck and Jody and I cooked a bunch of chicken and roasted vegetables. Other people brought various goodies–turkey chili, sauerkraut, kashi, fruit salad, shrimp pasta salad (which unfortunately I couldn’t eat) and Joanne A. brought the most amazing soup–split pea, beets, kale and leeks with some various additions that I can’t remember. Yum!
I was very much pleased all in all. The place houses that warmth, and it affected my altar work last night and again this morning. That shiny, delightful feeling continues into this day.
What is the new Coin of the Realm? September 26, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: Energy, money
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Just a quick post. I’m curious what people might think on this idea.
I was telling my therapist that through all this mishagoss we’re witnessing that I feel strangely all right. And he suggested that we are in the throes of transition out of money to a different “coin of the realm.” He suggested it might be the way we use energy. Of course I like this idea as energy use is what I’m currently studying.
But I’m curious what other people might think. What will be the coin of the realm that replaces dollars/euros/rubles/rupees/renbinmi etc.?
Divination about the collapse September 26, 2008
Posted by frostwolftfirerose in Uncategorized.Tags: collapse, economic crisis, Tarot
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11:50 a.m., 9/26/08
All right: Here’s how the cards came up, using the Radiant Tarot.
First, based on all the numbers that came up, the major arcana card that links everything together is, appropriately, Death.
Past influence - 2 swords - The stalemate we witnessed come to fruition last night has been long established.
Present influence - 3 wands - A general taking stock, assessment of the situation. Some people are attempting to come to a more noble idea of how to proceed, but there are always arrogant and errant psychopaths to deal with, because …
Future influence - 7 swords - There is trickery afoot — some of these thug/thieves are going to try to get their way. And they have a lot of tricks, a lot of tools. The interesting thing is that I think that most people are seeing them.
The focus of the reading - 9 wands. People in general are wary, vigilant, beleaguered. This I think is all to the good. For the moment, there is nothing out there, but it could be coming. Something could happen, and it’s like we’re expecting that 7 swords energy.
General environment - The World. I’m interpreting this to mean that Mother Earth herself is pushing a lot of this, and I have the sense that it is for our own good. The World can be a Saturn card though, and we’re facing the consequences of our actions, but also that material abundance and prosperity can still arise and is actually a part of our environment right now. Walking barefoot on the earth really helps right now, even in these times that are getting colder…
Blocked path - The Sun. This saddens me, and I’m not completely sure what this means other than that this won’t be a light-filled path we walk. We will be struggling in the dark, and it’s necessary. Last night I had a conversation with my best friend about the value of the dark–too often there are “light fundamentalists” out there, who forget one basic fact: Our hearts, lungs, livers, muscles, etc., those parts of our bodies that are under the skin N E E D T H E D A R K ! ! ! We can’t have light without it. And we are born in darkness and we are interred in darkness and mystery itself, the charge and spark of life, the black sun inside us all, lives and thrives on darkness. Perhaps it’s telling us that we have O.D.’d on light and need to embrace that other side, which has also been identified with the feminine. The outcome card actually would seem to confirm this:
Outcome - Temperance. Balancing the light and the dark, the male, the female, the gay and the straight. The poor with the rich to create real wealth, real sexuality, real connection to All That Is.
“The Lens” - 10 cups - The way we are looking at the situation collectively would seem to indicate we are operating from a place of faith in happiness. From a place of being sated. In fact, I think of this as not so good–it’s like the feeling one has after they’ve eaten too much. It’s that sick sugar-coma feel or the hangover after a bender as well as that feeling of being sated. This depends on the person viewing the situation. There are addicts out there who can never get enough, even when their bodies tell them “stop. Now. PLEASE??!” But …
That card I mentioned at the beginning, Death–the situation is undergoing transformation and all these possibilities that I’ve mentioned are coming out right now. It looks like it will have a positive ending–though I don’t want to be too optimistic. I don’t use reversed cards. The Temperance card reversed frequently can mean that the apple cart is upset and it needs to careen its merry way until the apples stop rolling and the situation can be put to right. So that could be a factor in all this as well. Stuff to keep in mind.
